Just sitting right next to him, the geart shift seperating us made my mind go woozy with thoughts of the unbelievable. You wouldn't believe how my body reacted to his presence. The sweating, heart racing, breathing just quickening, I just couldn't handle it for too long. But somehow, I've managed to get used to it.
We pulled into a parking space and hopped out of the car in silence, other than my brother laughing to himself as he shut his back door. There was a pub nearby, so we walked over there in the wonderful twenty degree weather. Oh the heat is just perfect.
"Hey prick, you got your ID?" he asked from next to me.
"Of course, you?"
All he did was nod and keep walking with me. My brother managed to catch up to us, picking up some conversation with Cole.
"You won't make us look like crazy yanks, will you Avery?" that is the first time he's really ever said my name properly.
"Shut up," I huffed, looking away from his teal blue eyes.
We kept on walking until we hit the pub, walking straight through the doorway. The doors were left open because of the beautiful weather that cascaded over Poland.
It was sort of quiet in here. There was soft rock music playing in the background and a few tables were taking. We walked right up to the bar which was empty and smiled at the bartenders. One guy and one girl. They were for sure older than us, about twenty-four and up. I was a shy nineteen and my brother hit twenty just yesterday while Cole is a nice twenty-one.
This place reminded me of a underground place, like the ones typically hipsters would land in. The tables were typical fifties, the bar stools just wooden and raggedy. The place looked like it was pulled out of a Cheers episode or something.
"I'd like a beer," Cole started.
"Me too," I smiled.
All my brother, Eryn, did was nod with a smirk. The bartender, Jerry was what I caught off another bartender, swooped into the kitchen in the back to grab the bottles.
"Yank, you're actually legal here! can you believe it!" Cole laughed.
"It's Europe you prick. Of course I'm legal,"
"Whoa, Ave, calm it." he still laughed.
Even though he was a... how do I put this nicely... an ass hat, he still drove me crazy.
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
I like that last part. 'Even though he was a...how do i put this nicely...an ass hat, he still drove me crazy.'
Funny and a great story nonetheless. Youre writitng style made me think you were one of the authors I love to read, it's experienced writing The way you combied everything together without being too straightforward to give the plot away makes the story much more of a good read. This can develop into a well written story. Keep it up!
Short story = plot + characterisation + description & grammar + flow & transition.
The plot is commendable. Family and friendship accoutred with a crush is obviously what people never get tired of.
Characterisation should be worked on. The identities of the characters could be elaborated however brief. We now only know the name of the crush and the brother, but we do not directly know their personalities. You have outlined their personalities indirectly by the actions they performed, but that isn't enough considering the story is supposed to be about all three characters.
The description of the environment is insufficient. Little reference is made to the setting; the locations are only mentioned, but not actually referred to.
Grammar is based on the nature of the plot. Therefore, for an informal diction, formal criticism cannot be proffered.
There are only two scenes in this story. They are linked by well described transitions.
- ABEL HAS REVIEWED THIS PIECE
Wow, this story is great! I love how you combined family love and friendship into one amazing story! Your title kind of threw me off though, but it's great nonetheless! I do think you should add a bit more background and description here, that way the reader can understand the story better. I have a question though, is Avery a girl or a boy? I don't think Avery's gender was mentioned in the story. Anyway, this was fantastic! Hope this helped and keep writing!
GrapeNerd
You have the beginning of a potentially interesting story line here. I'd work towards elaborating on your characters a bit more, and establishing your setting. You begin by talking about a mystery "him" and then get right into your dialogue and lose who this person is exactly--I assumed that this person was the character Cole but it wasn't specified. It isn't necessarily a bad thing to keep the reader wondering but maybe adding some more background about the relationship between the narrator and the person described would be helpful.
Awesome start!
This is pretty funny
you allow this sense of family while adding the intertwining of brotherly bickering to give it some realism 
i would add some more description of the setting it allows the reader to better understand why the characters talk the way they do 
soooo This is great, let me know when you write more 