Alice grew up in a big city, though, no one knew her.
of course her friends did, they loved her. She got them right when she started school and opened up tp everyone.
But Alice...
She didn't know what to do.
When it came to something personal. something that all teenage girls experience. It's called love.
This disease killed her insides.
It made her uncomfortable to see him.
It made her uncomfortable to be around him.
What could she do? Everyone knew that there was something wrong with her when he was in the room. That little heart in her chest never pounded this hard before.
But, she wasn't sure if this was love.
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139,305 Literary Works • 672,528 Reviews
I liked the simplicity of this. It made me feel sorry for Alice. Love can suck sometimes and it was sad that she referred to it as a 'disease'. But I thought it was a good word to use because sometimes love can feel like that, something you didn't want but can't get rid of and is eating you up inside.
I liked the last sentence too. Alice seems confused and impressionable. It makes me fear that boy will break her heart and so makes me empathise with her even more.
Yes, it was short but I thought it was short and sweet
Hi. I am back after reading your Love story. Again besides what other people say, I love it. I think I understand your writing. You write from experience, when you write you write on emotions we all experience (or at least most of us do because some of these reviewers do not seem to have ever experienced this love thing). I love it. I can feel everything you write in this, though, I feel it would be from the guys point of view for me, but besides that I love that your writing is something more than what just needs to be read, it needs to be experienced and felt. I love your work. Great job.
I didn't really understand the point of it. I'm pretty sure you realize this but, Love isn't a disease. Maybe it'd be more easy to follow if you made it longer and discribed what was going on.
It seems like there should've been a bit more story to it. In my opinion anyway.
I can see this workin' as a big story, you might want to do that. Just a suggestion.
Nice story.
Umm....
You weren't kidding.
Was there somewhere you were going with this?
I guess I'll critique what you have here.
The "though" isn't necessary because it's not unexpected. The general thought is that in big cities, no one knows anyone because everyone's so busy and there are so many anonymous faces.
Capitalize that.
Typo. "to everyone"
Capitalize "something."
How? Elaborate.
You can delve into the emotion more than this. I know you can. Right now, it's just cliche stuff.
Then what did she think it was?
Aaaand...the story's over.
Again, was there somewhere you were going with this?
Right now, it's just rather superficial--there's no emotion and no motivation and no anything happening. =\
And why the "II" on "Alice II"?
EDIT: I just saw "Toby." Do you intend to write this story in 20 different postings? Not really a good idea. There's no hint that anyone should look for any other parts.
EDIT: okay, now I just saw Alice. I guess that explains the "II." Umm...Okay?