Is it worth it?
To get angry at someone for something they didn't do? Or maybe they did it, but not intentionally? Is it okay to just hate someone because they did something you don't like?
Seeing him, I turned away. My heart was skipping beats as I felt blush rise in my cheeks. I couldn't do it. But, I took a deep breath and headed straight to my destination.
I had no other choice, it was my job. I had to get past my emotions. That didn't help me. Once my eyes landed on the girl, a burst of flames rose in my stomach,burning all the organs inside me. My mind was rushing with anger, "How could she?" "What a bitch!" "Oh my God, how could he!!!?"
I shut my eyes, took another deep breath and moved on.
I think not.
But I have that problem. And it's bad.
I dislike a person because of what they're doing. But that comes from feelings, emotions. Like jealousy.
This has happened not only to me.
Don't be jealous. It just sometimes doesn't work in your favor.
Or you're just over reacting (:
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139,362 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
This is a rather interesting take on jealousy here but at the same time it feels like it doesn't quite end up doing what it wants. Judging from the comments sandwiched on the main piece it seems like sort of an example of how jealousy can arise and what it arises from and the often ugly results that it can have but it doesn't quite do enough to convey the power here I feel.
It does bring across the emotions pretty well I think. We get a rather solid glimpse of those at work and the way that such things can lead to these less than ideal thoughts, but combined with that, the emotional weight at the start needs to be a little more grounded I feel. This needs to either talk a little more in depth about the emotions in questions and go in that sort of direction, or it needs to redirect a little bit and head more towards the realm of being a fully fleshed out scene that depicts this instead of just those lines of dialogue suggesting what happens roughly.
Overall this is a powerful message you're trying to convey here and you do a decent job for the most part. It just needs a little more oomph as it stands if you want to really nail this message at its full potential.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I first saw this as someone really touching something with the topic of jealous but as I read on, I was a little bit disappointed. For me, it lacked depth, it wasn't much of a short story even though it is very short and has a few actions of a character.
I didn't like your grammar very much, I'm sorry but you don't have to use an excessive amount of exclamation marks like you used for her thoughts, "Oh my god, how could he!!!?". I know you were trying to stress that they were angry but at the same time, still.
I'd suggest having another look at it once again and editting, I didn't want to go too far into pointing out the stories flaws, it's just that jealousy is an interesting subject for some, realistic for almost everyone. And no, I'm not trying to say that the story was bad but it lacked a lot for a realistic emotion that everyone has gone through at one point.
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Hey, Nike!
I've seen your works around before but I haven't really gotten a chance to read and review. I'm so glad I can do this now. I'd really love to help you out.
So, this was a bit disappointing. I liked your thoughts in here, don't get me wrong. I think you said some really important things and gave a good advice but somehow this felt like an essay instead of a fiction piece.
First of all, I didn't get the story. Who was the MC jealous of? Why? And what was happening in this story in particular? It didn't have an ending or any event, if you read it. There was just a flash moment of the feeling of jealousy which was done just alright.
Secondly, this was vague. It didn't seem at all like a story because there has to be a plot in a story, right? Or at least a memory. Without it, any story would read absurd.
I won't really go over board telling you what all didn't make sense. But rather I'd like you to find it yourself. You've got a good concept, but not a story. You really need to develop one and do it in a way that befits the theme.
Plus, your title can use something else. Jealousy, if you really think, is such a mundane word for a story. The title should be something that draws your reader's interest and indirectly tells the theme. Or else, it doesn't give away the theme at all but is of significance of to the story. You know, jealousy word just gives most of the story away. When a reader will see the title, he/she will start concocting a story on their own probably. For example, it would be about a girl jealous of the girl who's dating her crush? You get it? It's too direct.
Let me know if you have doubts. :3
~Mia
Hey, this piece was pretty good, not entirely my cup of tea, but hey, each to their own. The main reason I didn't like it, though, was because of the whiny narrator that just went through me. Of course, again, it's just personal preference so don't be offended by that comment!
On a more objective note I'll state a few grammar slip-ups:
"My mind was rushing with anger, "How could she?" "What a bitch!" "Oh my God, how could he!!!?"" - if you're trying to capture the narrator's mindset and translate it on paper, then I suppose this is an acceptable way to punctuate the sentence. However, if you're unsure of how to correctly punctuate dialogue as a whole I'll post some forum threads at the end of this review. Also, the "!!!?" should never be used for a serious piece of writing, only online when talking to friends should you use punctuation like that, as it really brings your work down to a lower quality - at least in my opinion!
"But that comes from feelings, emotions. Like jealousy." - I don't see the need to start a new sentence here, a comma would suffice, wouldn't it?
Aye, but having said all that, and been extremely critical (sorry *takes off critic glasses*) I am NOT calling your piece bad, just highlight a few areas that can be improved. There's definately potential: "a burst of flames rose in my stomach,burning all the organs inside me." I especially liked, for example :') So yeah, don't be disheartened by my comments, but just try to improve from them is my advice!
Dialogue punctuation/grammar:
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