I couldn't think straight. My mind was fogged up with all this information that just couldn't line up. I would say my thoughts are like stars, I can't fathom them into constellations... thank you John Green for telling me this. He actually told me how lost my mind was.
But, I just couldn't figure it out for myself. All these things I believe are bad, really aren't and I just want to realize that. I've not been myself from the second I turned thirteen. I wasn't myself by one bit. Or maybe I was, I just wouldn't accept this. Maybe there was some part of me in me that I just couldn't comprhend at this moment.
People have been there and back for me, but it was all for show. When one thing went wrong, they stayed away. Far, far away like where Shrek lives. In the line of everything, I've never felt close to anyone. I never let anyone get me because they would just ruin me in the end like they always did.
I managed to breathe and that gave them a reason to hate me. To betray me. I've lost close people becuase of rumors, mis-readings, for being the nice person I was.
I'll just stop being nice from now on then becuase I know I did nothing wrong. I'm the biggest coward out there, I can't possibly do anything to anyone to hurt them becuase I'd be afraid of their hatred. Yet, I still manage to get many people to hate me, friends to walk away.
Maybe it's just me. Being me.
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Nike! Do you know that the word Nike is taken from the Greek goddess of victory? Anyways, what a very short story! Let me give it a chop-up so that I'll be able to focus on grammar!
Okay, so I like how you used 'line up' as the verb done by the information. Very poetic. I love it. What I don't like much is the 'was fogged up'. It's one of the opening lines, so it should have more power. Try making it the same with 'line up'; make 'information' do the fogging, if you know what I mean
No need for 'actually' here. Too glued.
Use 'the' instead of 'these', please!
Okay, I think the mysterious sense I think you're trying to put here didn't work well. Why the sudden change of mind? Why at first you weren't, then you were. There's no reason behind it so it kinda make us fall into confusion. Rewrite please!
I think 'stay' is not the best for the line. Think of a better verb that made the people move, not stay like that.
'Close' is a bit too narrow. Try another adjective here.
It should be because, not becuase. Also, don't use 'I'd', use I'm instead. That'll give more impact, don't you think?
Well, that's all I can say for now! I hope my chop-ups for grammar did good! Thanks for the mind-bogglingly good read! Good luck on writing!
Your pal,
Al
Hello!
I like this. It made me use my brain juices for a while. I just am not sure this should be in the short story category as it doesn't have a plot. I think it could be perhaps be restructured into a nice free-verse poetry piece!Though that is completely a personal opinion. You do however you please! I have mixed feelings on the line "far, far away like where Shrek lives". I like it because its a movie reference and because I know that it makes sense. To someone who has not seen that however it would not, so perhaps changing it could make it more accessible to a wider audience. Something I do love is your use of that star quote at the beginning. It is a good one!
Happy Writing!