Eighteen II

by Nike

Published August 2, 2014

12+

In Other

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Honestly, I have no idea what to do with the Eighteen story. I made plans for it, ideas, but... I don't know. They don't feel right. And I feel if I just write, and continue, it will be wrong, a mess, and just. It won't be right, it would be a mess because there would be no ideas, nothing. But, maybe, I will continue and plan and hope.

I have a name for the place though. That's a start?

"For a lady like you, you should understand the rules." it was all words to me.

She had on this red lipstick, we weren't allowed to wear makeup unless our profession required us to or if it was The Ceremony. But her profession was teacher, this was not an exception. So essentially, what she was telling me was making her sort of a hypocrite.

Whoops.

I shouldn't have thought that.

"I apologize, Mrs. Barbara Tules." I said in monotone.

Her eyebrow rose as she huffed, running her hand through her hair. It was in a bob, the color resembled coal.

"Alright, head back to class. I do not want to see you again this year." and she was serious.

I took in a deep breath and smiled, walking out of the room. The rooms in the schools had no doors. We believed that there was no need for privacy. Everything should be open. And lessons were spoke quietly, so walking down the hallways seemed like it was silent. No one yelled.

The tan brick walls around me felt claustrophobic with no windows. When going to the main offices, you have to go through a separate hallway that split the school from the lessons to the business. It took just two minutes to walk down, a few seconds to run. Most people ran because, well, it was scary. There were only dim lights from the ceiling and walls that made the hallway wide enough for me to touch from arm to arm.

"Stupid," I huffed.

My voice felt like poison licking my tongue. This was the third time I got sent to her this month. Once, for forgetting to wear the right shoes. The black sneakers. The second time was for saying the word flamboyant. And this time.

It was for humming.

I knew the rules like the back of my hand, or rather, like I knew the book Once.

I heard someone walking in front of me, their sneakers squeaked at every step they took. Lifting my head, I saw...

Everything went black and then, just noises. There was yelling, screaming. Some sort of beeping around me, very quick beeping. Some light shed passed the black. I must have opened my eyes, because I saw a man above me.

The Old Man.

"Scarlett?" he asked, his black eyes wild.

I blinked, shaking my head. Somehow, my mouth decided not to operate.

"She's in shock, get her to the bed." he commanded someone.

And once he did, I felt a few people's hands circle around my body as I began to get lifted up. I looked around, catching a few unfamiliar faces. I got pulled into the room I was in before. White. Sterile. But all I could look at was up, into the night sky as the stars twinkled at me. I could faintly see the moon, just at the corner of my ceiling.

I was lied on the bed. The people started to wrap my body up with a big cloth that felt like wool. It was hot, my skin felt sticky, why would I need wool? They still wrapped me up, tucking the cloth over my body. One lady, she had the funniest hair, it was a bright red, hand a syringe in her hand.

I haven't seen those in a while.

She came up to me, sticking the needle down my neck without even asking me.

Once the needle cut through my skin, I bit my lip, trying to push away the pain. It sprang and grew until she pulled it back out, throwing the syringe to the ground.

"Ghaaaosh!" I screamed.

The red haired lady's mouth dropped as she looked from me to The Old Man.

"What is your name?" he asked.

All the people, I managed to catch five of them, pulled away from me and stood straight at the sides of my bed. The Old Man was just in front of me, his face pulled stern and serious, his eyes on mine.

I took a moment. Be smart, Daf. "Scarlett," I swallowed, feeling the pull of  the lie eating at me.

He took a moment just to look at me. He knows I'm lying. He knows. He's not stupid. Than, he nodded at the people. They walked out of the room. Suddenly, a cooling feeling came over my body, making the sweat dry out. This is why I had this cloth.

That moment, I started to shiver, clutching at the blanket. My teeth chattered and I closed up into a ball, bringing my legs up.

"When did you awake, Scarlett?" He tried out the name and seemed satisfied, his eyes glittered.

"I don't know,"

"No Exhibit ever wanders."

I had no response.

A harsh tension flooded between us making my mind run wild with He knows he knows he knows, but, all he did is walk over to my side and pull the blanket off, making me reach for it back. His eyes darted at my hands as I reached, than I pulled them back, clutching my legs as I shivered. The room felt like I was in the middle of a snowstorm, naked.

I looked down at my body.

I was naked.

"You'll be fine in a few minutes." and he walked off, walking through the doors with my blanket.

What.

And this vague feeling of sleep washed over me. I thought they wanted me awak...




Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
SkyeWalker
Review
SkyeWalker wrote a review Review · Aug 31, 2014

Hey! Zhia here for a Helpful Review (Hopefully! :P )

First of all, I like the story. Even though I haven't read the other chapter, This seems to be going pretty well! I like your characters, The world is interesting, you use GREAT language, figurative language and amazing descriptions! You don't use too much of anything really, and it's all just really well put together.

Second, nitpicks! I sorta hate nitpicking, because it makes me feel like my mother, but whatever.

""Alright, head back to class. I do not want to see you again this year." and she was serious."

Something about this doesn't seem right, It may just be me, but it just doesn't seem... right, I guess. Maybe wording it like this?

""Alright, head back to class. I do not want to see you again this year." She said, completely serious."

Next!

"The tan brick walls around me felt claustrophobic with no windows."

This sentence also didn't really make sense (hmm, that rhymes!)

That's it for nitpicks!

Next, a summary. Correct me if I'm wrong.

So, what happened was Daf/Scarlett (right?) got in trouble for humming. Then something happened (not sure what) and she either blacked out, and then went into shock, or just went into shock, and was taken to a hospital, where they took her blood, she freaked out, got really cold, found out she was naked (o.o) and was put down? That was probably a really sucky summary, but oh well.

This was a great chapter! I like your story, and will probably continue to read it if you continue it! Thanks for a great read!

Zhia

This review was brought to you by TEAM BLACK.

User avatar
AdmiralKat
Review
AdmiralKat wrote a review Review · Aug 8, 2014

Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here.

I think that I really like this story. The way that you should continue this is by having someone break in and save the exhibit(the person). I really like this idea, though it doesn't seem like the most original idea that I've seen because I've seen this story played out before. Now, if you take it in a different direction, then this could become a really original story and it could be really cool. I see this is labeled under teen fiction, I would advise that you have some romance. Your spelling and grammar is amazing. As far as I see, it's flawless. Your organization of paragraphs is great, none of them are too long or too short. I think that you need a little bit more imagery, describe the setting and the I love the ending of this, where they probably imprisoned and maybe sleeping. I don't have anything really against this(other than the originality). You could totally make a novel about this and talk about how they rebel against the government or they may run away and find another Utopia. There are millions of possibilities to help it become a great novel. I don't know why you are thinking that it doesn't have any chances to have another ending. Overall, great job, I think that you could make a third one of these! Have a nice review week! Keep calm and keep writing! :D



Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
— William James