Open Eyes.
A bright light tried to get past all the tall, cascading branches around me. My memory was fuzzy as I strolled on the soft, dirt ground.
Barefoot. That's what I was. A soft white dress that reminded me of fluffy snow was what I was wearing. I remember, it was mid Janurary but yet, it was warm. The wind even gave a hot blow against my face.
Everything was quiet, the birds weren't singing their beautiful melody. I kept walking forward, feeling insects crawl against my feet. I didn't shake them off.
I knew where I was going, but I didn't know why I was going. I didn't know what I'd see. I just knew I had to go straight and follow the wind's direction.
Suddenly, I stopped. Couldn't move. Didn't want to move. I waited. For something. For something to happen. My hair blew past my face as I was lifted off the ground, graciously. The warm air felt wonderful against my bare feet as I flew up and up into wherever this wind was taking me.
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Just like Paracosm said, "it read like a strange dream," but as if you were telling it to someone, remembering details as you went along: "Barefoot. That's what I was."
!
I also like when she gets lifted of the ground, it is described so casually, as if it was normal - the piece seems to be even more of a dream than we already thought.
The fifth paragraph is very interesting, it raises questions which remain unanswered but makes one thing very clear, the narrator is determined to get to this destination. We can also see this when the insects crawl against her feet, yet she doesn't shake them off. It feels like even though she doesn't know why she's going, there's a good reason for her to do so...
Which is why I think you should write more! Maybe even in the same format - short, non-specific and dreamy. It would make for a good "series" and hopefully we will find out where it is that she's going, and what it's like. I would definitely like to carry on reading this story.
Well done
NOTE: You might want to fix "Janurary" in the fifth line.
Yay for flash fiction! This is a very haunting piece. It read like a strange dream. A few things stood out that need some work.
My memory was fuzzy as I strolled on the soft, dirt ground.
Two things popped out in this sentence. The first was the word 'as'. I try to avoid 'as' when I write, because most editors will tell you that things in fiction happen sequentially. This is because when you are reading fiction, you view one thing, and then the other, no matter what. You can't imagine two things happening at once, because when you read, no matter what, it happens one after the other.
For instance: Joe swung his bat as the ball flashed before his eyes. It struck the ball with a resounding crack.
In this version of this sentence, you imagine Joe swinging his bat before he sees the ball. With some rewording, it sounds better.
The ball flashed before Joe's eyes, he sung the bat. It struck the ball with a resounding crack.
Another thing to watch for was the redundant nature of the sentence. It is assumed that the dirt is brown, just as in the second part of the example sentence, it is assumed that the bat struck the ball. Anyway! That's a big, long, ramble-y way to say that things in fiction should almost always happen sequentially.
Good luck, and keep writing!
Yo,
I'm Sarah, by the way! I like this, it paints a picture in my mind instantly! I love it! XD
On with the show..
*open curtains*
"Open Eyes"
*sigh* Look, I know you got this so many times for a review but...The 'e' in eye shouldn't be in capitals. Unless of course your intending it to be a name or something like that.
A few commas are needed, but in one of the reviews down below it stated so I won't do that to you again.
...Nothing else really.
*curtains close*
I really enjoyed it! *drools over peice* IT IS SO IMAGINATIVE! I LOVE IMAGINATION AND FANTASY AND AWESOME STUFF!
XD I hoped I helped out a little!
*spok sign* Until next time,
-Sarah.
All was very good.
Descriptive indeed.
These were the best line and I am loving them but I want to know why you were flying.
And as Starleene had pointed,
Eyes should not be capitalized.
Good indeed.
Hey there!
Starleene here!
I just stopped in to leave you a review so let’s get started!
“Open Eyes.”
The e in eyes doesn’t need to be capitalized.
“A soft white dress that reminded me of fluffy snow was what I was wearing.”
There needs to be a comma separating between snow and was. This is a very descriptive line and invokes great imagery.
“I remember, it was mid Janurary but yet, it was warm. The wind even gave a hot blow against my face.”
January is spelled wrong. Also, if you consider replacing “but” with “and” it would make the flow of the sentence for complete and move the readers eyes forward.
“I kept walking forward, feeling insects crawl against my feet.”
Against? It would make more sense to change the word “against” to “beneath.” If the insects were on the ground you wouldn’t feel them on your feet, or beneath, for that matter. Just something to think about.
“Couldn't move. Didn't want to move. I waited. For something. For something to happen. My hair blew past my face as I was lifted off the ground, graciously.”
This is a very choppy paragraph. If you made more complete sentences it would be a pretty impactful sentence. I think you should add an “I” before didn’t to complete this sentence. Usually I’m all for dramatic repetition but in this case it feels wrong. I think it drags the sentence down. Graciously means kind or polite, I think the work you’re looking for is gracefully.
“The warm air felt wonderful against my bare feet as I flew up and up into wherever this wind was taking me.”
I don’t really understand the ending if this story but it’s sort of elegant and probably something that we would see in a ballet or musical. Otherwise, this was a very elegant piece and I could see a ballerina performing this in a stage. Very pretty!
I loved it and can’t wait to read more from you!
Good Luck! Happy Writing!
Starleene Out.
Hi there Nike!
Kafka went through and did a nice job pointing out the little awkward sentences and words in this short piece so I won't be doing a nitpicky review. However, I would like to give you some pointers on what you can try to do to enhance the feeling that you're trying to portray in this certain piece.
As I read through this, I was wondering what the whole point of this was. You didn't answer any major questions like what she's doing there or what she's looking for or gave the readers much sense of a conclusion. All we know is that a girl is walking barefoot on the ground and it's January but apparently it's also warm! She's following the wind but then she stops and waits for 'something' but nothing really happens and she starts ascending with the wind. Okay! I don't understand what you're trying to say but I feel like this is piece that is trying hard to describe a feeling that either you or someone else might feel but I cannot connect to whatever that feeling is.
I feel like you should probably take more time to dissect your words and sentences - try to really look at them and ask yourself questions about what it is you're trying to say and how the words can help you relay that message to the readers in a way that is understandable. It's not an easy thing to do but practice makes perfect - or as perfect as you can make it in that certain time.
Overall, this piece is still very vague and somewhat confusing but if you can take some time to go over it and make some changes - even add more description and imagery, it'll help flesh it out a little more. Keep writing and let me know if you have any questions.
-S
Why the capitalization?
It tried to? What was it? Did it succeed? None of these questions are answered, so this felt completely out of place.
Also, branches don't "cascade." I don't even know what image you were aiming for there.
Really didn't like this. All these extra little words are like tripwires for the reader. The passivity of your wording really does nothing for this piece other than make it more difficult to get through. "I was barefoot. I wore a soft white dress that reminded me of fluffy snow" is much more effective, or even just "Barefoot. A soft white dress that reminded me of fluffy snow."
You remember what?
"But yet" is a clunky combination of two conjunctions that mean basically the same thing. Try "It was mid January, yet/but it was warm."
Yuck, fix this. The wind doesn't give blows, it blows.
Comma splice. Also, don't waste words describing something that isn't even there.
Not sure what this is means.
But what if the wind changes direction? Do you still go straight? You realize you've created a paradox.
"Suddenly" is a gross word. Replace it or leave it out or something.
Why not? There isn't enough of a foundation for this to carry the same sense of mystery I think you hoped it would. Right now, it's comes across as just confused and lost.
The disjointedness. Of this. Is. Jarring.
Makes it sound like your hair was blown off your head. Lifted off the ground by what? And what makes it "gracious" (look at the definition of "gracious" and check if that's actually what you mean)?
"Into" would only be used if you were flying "into" either a cloud or the sky, and if it's either one of those then there's no need to be so vague about your destination. "Into" should be "to."
Hope this helped.
-Kafka