z

Young Writers Society



Random Thingy Mabober

by Nike


Vanquish.

That word ran through my mind. I wasn't certain why, but it attached to me. Attached to me like glue to paper or bees to nectar.

But also shattered. I loved the word shattered.

"Gabby!" a yell.

That awoke me withing five seconds.

"Ye-yes?" I opened my eyes.

I was lying down on a bench in the library. It was where I worked four days a week. The odd thing was that somehow I fell asleep.

"You are not alowed to sleep during your shift! Are you mad?"

My boss. Boss Ula. She can be a prick at times.

"I'm so sorry Ms. Ula..." I yawned.

Her brows were the only thing I concentrated on as they flew up and down her forehead. She had a really awkward face structure, every time she frowned they went down, smiled, went up.

"Ms. Delina to you! Suspension for the rest of the day!"

That's what got me to finally be wide awake.

"No no no no no no no!" I begged, standing up.

"Suspended! Be at work tomorrow an hour early and we'll see what we'll do!"

This is where I'm shattered.

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247 Reviews

Points: 3414
Reviews: 247

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Sun Mar 10, 2013 7:12 pm
Searria H. wrote a review...



Hi Nike! Sea here to review. :D Sorry to drag up one of your pieces from the archives, but I think it's worth it. ;)

I like the writing style in this. It's sort of choppy, but it works for some reason. :) Fragments and everything usually really bug me, but I think it fit your character's voice.

I have a couple of grammar/typo nitpicks to address.:

"Gabby!" a yell.

"A" should be capitalized.

That awoke me withing five seconds.

"Within"

General Comments:
The beginning is a little awkward. I see that you tied it in to the end of the piece, but it seemed a little rushed. If you want to go into the whole word thing, you might expand on it a bit so it's not just sort of....there. I hope this is making sense. :?

The entire piece feels rather out-of-place. Even though you have a very short space to work with, I felt a little confused. Not confused as in I had no idea what was going on, but I couldn't answer the "So what?" question. I couldn't really connect to either of the characters.

Overall, I liked the piece; it has potential. I don't know if you still want to work on it, but if you ever revive it, you might consider expanding it a little. Even if not, it's a fun little piece. :D
I hope I helped even a little. If you have any questions or need anything, just let me know. :)
Happy writing!
-Sea-




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863 Reviews

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Reviews: 863

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Wed Jun 27, 2012 5:39 am
Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



This piece was well written. At the same time though, some elements of the librarian character seemed out of place.

For instance, the idea of a librarian sleeping on the job. The librarians I've observed tend to work in pairs. If things are slow, they work on sorting books, putting them away, perhaps even repairing them. When things are busy, they're working checking out books or otherwise making sure that everything is working. Occasionally they're called upon to help with some research or look for a book. In short, librarians can be quite busy. If you want to try some character research, you can ask your local librarians if you can volunteer there for a week or two.

I also suspect that, if librarians didn't have any work to do, they would simply grab a book and start reading. I mean, that's what I would do.

I've never heard of employees getting suspended for the rest of the day, do you know for a fact that this happens? It's new to me.





"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta