POD 29- Reminiscence and Regret -On Both Accounts

WITH CHANGES!

Philosophy of the Dark

Chapter 29

-Reminiscence and Regret

-On Both Accounts

Everythings changing. Lives, fates, hopes and dreams. Because today is the day I've been dreading.

People I don't know, some caring, some hoping to see another murdering teen go to jail.

But I'm not a murderer. Why don't they get that?

Why can't they just leave me alone, and believe that it wasn't my fault.

Four days, four chances, a million viewers, twelve jury, one judge.

One mistake.

All against me.

***

Waking up was easy, it was getting out of bed that proved to be tough.

The white sheets wrapped Jamie in a cocoon, taunting her with their

brightness as the sun pierced through the sheer curtains.

She finally got up, untangling her legs from her mess of sheets and

pushing them to the end of the bed. Laid out on her dresser was a pair of

nice black pants, a white button up shirt and a black jacket. Waitress attire

for her first day of court.

She showered, changed and ate breakfast before leaving. Her mom wasn't

home, she was out getting her nails done.

Jamie drove herself to Ambers house first. It was still early, not yet eight in

the morning, but sure enough Amber stepped outside at the sound of a car

horn.

“Jamie?” she asked, putting one hand up to shield her eyes from the rising

sun.

Jamie stepped out of the car, leaving the door open behind her.

“Hey,” Jamie said.

“What are you doing here? Don't you go to court today?”

“Did I tell you that?” Jamie asked.

“No, it's been all over the news. There's hardly a person in the state that

doesn't know your story. It's going to be recorded and played live on TV.”

“Oh, wow,” Jamie said.

Amber nodded, her eyes were open wide.

“Well, I was just wondering if you wanted to go with me to court today. I know

there's going to be an audience, but not to the public...I think. I kind-of

want you there.”

“Heck, Jamie, I don't know.” Amber said, shutting the front door behind

her, and finally stepping onto the porch, “I just...I moved on. When you

said you needed a break, I decided to give you your space.”

“I need you Amber, please,” Jamie pleaded, tears forming in her eyes. She

held them back, vowing to to cry.

“Sorry,” Amber said, turning back to open the door again, “I'm so sorry.”

And she went inside.

Jamie fell back into her car, letting the tears fall freely. She looked at the

time, court was in an hour, and she had traffic to beat.

But first she needed one last trip to the lake, in case she could never see it

again.

***

My eyes are opening, maybe for the first time. The truth is

revealing itself all too late.

I don't know how much time I have left. I don't know what

they're going to do. I don't know anything. All I know is that this wasn't my

fault. I just wish they would understand.

All the things I've ever done wrong are coming back to me

today. Every mistake leading to the next, and then to this.

It started with the razor, shining and calling to me. I couldn't

resist. I gave in.

The beatings. Taking each hate-filled hit with a cringe and a cry

held in so long. So long I couldn't take it.

The jealousy of every new come wife. Every bit of newfound love

for her increased his hate for us.

Actions to those beatings, to that jealousy. Driving her away.

Taking the new abuse that was awarded for my actions.

Standing up for my mom.

Standing up for myself.

Standing up for what was right, moral.

It all lead to that one push, that one shove that went too far.

Quite literally overboard.

That wasn't even it. That was self-defense, it was protecting

myself, and my mother even. What came after that, my own choices, that

are going to kill me. Inside and out.

Abandoning all hope.

Abandoning my friends.

Abandoning the rules.

I lost my will to live, my fight, my drive. Those I held close to

my heart, those that held my heart together. I lost all sense of self-

preservation.

I lost all chance of saving myself.

So why am I trying?

Because if I don't, if I just plead guilty, then nobody will ever

know the truth. Their eyes will be forever shut to what this world really

holds, there will be another thing censoring them from truth, lies, power,

hate, lust, love, reality.

But mostly, life.

POD 30:1 -Helpless NOW POSTED!!!