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Chapter 7- Punishment and Chocolate
It's a weird thing to think about, who came up with the idea to punish.
Was it because they thought it would keep people within the lines? But what about those lines, if they enable a person to be physically or mentally destroyed then what does that say about the rule that was broken to deserve such punishment?
Was it really bad? Or simply a ruler gone mad for power like so many before him? I'd be willing to bet it was the second one.
Stalin, and Hitler, the two most well known, and possibly worse leader to have ever led. Stalin's use of fear educed obedience, rules reinforced with pain. Hitler...well, you all know about Hitler. What did the Jews do to deserve their “punishment?”
The answer- absolutely nothing.
There was no valid reason as to why they were chosen to suffer, as opposed to any other religion. Well, no valid reason in my eyes that is.
That's just the case though, my eyes seem to always be wrong. Why does mom suffer for my incompetence, why do I suffer for my existence? Why does suffering always have something to do with me here?
Only here, nowhere else. Not with my mixed up group of friends who aren't really friends. Except for one.
There's one person on this planet who I feel that I can talk to, one person that I can trust no matter what. One person that I've known forever.
It's funny, how you can know a person for long, but in a day forget how close you used to be. How close you were before things started to change with the inclusion of hormones. Damn growing up process. Knowingly changing lives, and not always for the best.
The only good thing about all this is that the person never really changes, they may on the outside, but the inner child holds the soul. Traditions, like who gets to put the angel on top of the tree for Christmas, wishbones, stories, they all originate in childhood and never change.
A mother and a daughter can have something that connects them, something simple like, say, a certain type of chocolate that you can only get at one place.
They go there every month at least, and while they may be there for a variety of reasons, one thing always remains the same. The chocolate.
As years pass, they go less and less, slowly growing apart, as many parent-child relationships do. Then come the teenage years, the daughter becomes tired of rules and regulations, put up only because of the addition of raging emotions and uncontrollable sexual desires. The battle begins, you're lucky to avoid it. It has become so much a part of life, because kids tend to think they're all done growing up at about the age of thirteen, ropes are tightened, struggles deepen, and eventually the rope tears with the force strong enough to set the teenager free.
Or, as free as you can get in your dark cell.
Then you grow up, move out, stop talking to the instigators of teenage angst and don't see them again for a long time. You get married, have a kid. And then one day it happens.
You're driving along an old road, it's full of old fashioned stores. And you see a place, on the door you see a big old weather worn sign.
Best Bricked Chocolate
Home of
The Heaven's Bar.
So you decide to stop, pass on the tradition. You're inner child has spoken.
And at the same time, led you to the past you thought you left behind.
Teenage friends are much like this, but in a much shorter time span. They come they go, you see them again and through all those changes, outside and inside, their inner child is telling them that it's exactly the same as it's always been.
And so no matter what, that best friend you have, the person who sat with you in front of the television, watching pointless love stories, and telling life philosophy's over an open box of half 'n half pizza, will always be there. Even if it seems like they aren't. The inner child overrides everything.
Consequences, however are best seen with your inner child however, because there's always somebody who really doesn't care.
With friends, and chocolate, there is always a punishment waiting to send you into a spiraling black hole.
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Same as before, some typos and errors here and there, easy to fix.
I'm not too fond of the introspective chapters, but either way they work. I'm sure things clean up later?
I was going to go back into the first chapter and say this but I'll just do it here:
I think you'd do well with cutting your first chapter. At least some of it. All of the telling. Jump into the action; you have really good action. That'll catch the reader more. If you have any questions about that, Pm me. (=
I think it's that I used however twice, I fixed it earlier, just not here yet...hehe =D
Thanks for reading Alainna, I really appreciate it!
-JC
Great stuff!!! I'm absorbed well and truly now.....
This line didn't make sense to me though:
I don't know if that's just me, or maybe it's because you used 'however' twice.....I dunno...........
Anyways, wicked stuff!
Alainna
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Oops lol, I'm just so used to writing it now! Jamie/Jamiy is such a great name
teehee, Jamie, Jaimy...I love our characters names. =D
Thanks muchos for the comments!
OK, Mad pretty much pointet out what needs changing here so I wont go into that
What i think of the whole peices so far:
I love the way you are writing this, like the tlaking Jamiy and then the 'seeing' Jamiy. Its really unique and I can safely say that I have never read anything that does that before.
As for Jamie, I really like her, she is a typical teenager with problems, I'm not saying that all teenagers has the problems she does but she is still the typical teen. I love her because i can reklate to what she is saying, like her anger with her Dad is so believable. Her relationship with her Mom is also very good, and you are develpoing this out well at a steady pace.
Well done!
Meevs
x
Yes, thank you!
Mad: about the line break...well..I don't really know...just seemed fitting...to me... =D
Good. Nice and thought provoking.
One thing:
That needs to be "your".
That apart: great!
-Twit
You need a comma in there somewhere, to break up the sentence - it comes out as a gasp when I read it.
Worse should be worst; leader, leaders. Just thought I'd get those out of the way first.
This chapter is a nice break. It slows the story down, asking interesting and poignant questions. It serves as a welcome break from the action filled chapters that preceded it.
I think that the choclate metaphor is a nice way of describing what happens and you attribute many situations to it well.
Not sure why you have that line break, just wondering