Chapter 4-The big “if” is actually “why”
We take advantage of the fact that those people-those who make life hell-leave us sometimes. Those are where the best years of our lives come from. Honeymoons and vacations, school and sleep. Then they come back, and they always manage to bring hell with them.
Either that or they're just lucky enough to be followed by that flaming anti-Christ haven.
And hell hath no fury like missed misery.
But what if it was just Karma catching up with you, what if Karma and hell have something to do with each other. Who knows?
Maybe the question isn't “if” but “why.”
Why is it that certain people can get away with murder, while other's can barely get away with a lie?
Why is it that somebody could cause so much suffering to the person that loves them the most, and be the sweetest to the one that is only in it for the money?
That's right, I said it. Only in it for the money, they come, they go always on time with the money. And he can't see that. I just hope that you can. But if not, then trust me, by the end of the month, you will.
What if the people that cause such grief just left, wouldn't you mourn them.
Why would you though?
If they did in fact cause you to seek the cold relief of metal-and fail in that seeking- then why miss them when they're gone. Is it because you're used to them always being there, even if you don't want them to be.
Is it habit, feeling strong when you win an argument or stop the slap before it reaches you.
Is it repaying all those that hit you? The satisfaction of even just a little blood trickling from their lip. Is that why they do that to you? The same satisfaction. If so, doesn't that make you just like them?
And if in fact you are.
Why?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,425 Literary Works • 672,931 Reviews
The thing is, it's not so much a journal that she's writing. It's a story, a philosophy actually. I read one of my dads philosophy books (boring as hell, wouldn't recomend that genre, but whatever flies your kite I guess), and it was pretty much like that. Less action more thoughts. But thanks for the advice, I shall keep it in mind when I do the big final edit =D
-JC
I think you should do this differently. "That's right, I said it: only in it for the money. They come, they go, and they're always on time with the money."
should end in a ? mark.
Same with several of the sentence near they end, they should be questions. (Rather repetitive.)
I didn't like this chapter so much, it was too introspective to me. Which isn't bad, but you stopped all action to contemplate, which can be boring for the reader. If you're going to have her think and talk, give her situations, and events, do talk about, so as to keep the action going, like you would see in a journal story.
This is still going strong and the writing is very powerful. I think you maybe could have combined Chapter 3 and Chapter 4 because they were both quite short.
This was a great first line.Alainna
xxxxxxxxx
I really love where you are going with this, its really powerful and emotional. I feel really clos to Jamie already (wow its weird spelling Jamie like that lol). I think that what you have here is something that you can work on for a very long time, your main character has a stong voice and you can really understand what she is trying to say.
Well done (again)
Meevs
x
I like your use of rhetorical questions it draws the reader in well and allows them to relate to the situation and get drawn into what happens. It's also an interesting way of opening up your person and their thoughts to the reader so that they can gain a better understanding of the character.
I agree with Royboy, I think that the short sentences emphasis everything. I like your use of "Why" but I think that you could probably drop that last why. It would make a stronger ending. Just my opinion there, I don't think it would make to much difference.
All the spaces make it really powerful. It makes you pay attention to the shorter sentences, the ones that matter most. Really thought-provoking, I'd say. I can't find anything in here to crit on, except for maybe adding something about what's going on outside of Jamie's notebook for a moment. This might confuse some people the way that it's written seperate from everything else.
I like how what she writes is like another character all together. It has it's own personality and thoughts in a way. Even though it's coming from Jamie, it's different from how she would react or speak.
I really like the way this works out. It's original and compeltely new to anything i've every read, or even heard of. Keep the story moving along as it is at the moment. A still story isn't a story at all, which is another reason I like your writing here. It keeps truckin along! *eagerly goes to read the next one*