Warning to Reader: Strong adult themes and some language.
Chapter 12
-Side Effects
True to her word Tammy left on Thursday. She busted into the kitchen during dinner, announcing that she was here for her stuff. Richard followed her out of the room, quiet voices reached me and and mom through the swinging door here. A whispered 'why,' an angry four letter word.
Tammy left, Richard didn't come back into the room.
Dinner ended, Jamie did the dishes while her mom talked to her agent about the most recent divorce. By now it was like clockwork, none of the long two year court appearances and stuff, just sign the paper and move on.
After all the dishes were dried and put away Jamie went back to her room, where she pulled her notebook out of it's new hiding spot inside her
mattress.
She sat at her desk, slowly writing down her thoughts and feelings, her insight on the world.
It was twelve midnight when she finally folded the bent and time worn notebook shut, sticking the pen in the metal spirals and sliding it into it's spot among the springs and cotton that she slept on.
A breeze came in through the cracked open window, the night scented air were a relief to her lungs. Jamie went toward the window, opened it up as much as it would go and stuck her head out, letting the wind rush into her ears, blocking out everything else.
She almost cried at the sheer beauty of the winds purity, the simple caress of nature.
She pulled her head back into the room, a warm hand clamped over her mouth, she tried to scream through it.
“Don't make any more noise, Bitch.”
She was turned around by one shoulder, the hand never moving from her mouth.
“You're going to listen to what I have to say, and then you're not going to say anything more, do you understand?”
Jamie dropped her head as a slight nod.
“Good.”
The hand didn't drop from Jamie's mouth as the man went into an exclamation as to why Tammy left, something about her worrying about Jamie.
“You took her away from me,” the man said, shoving Jamie to the ground. She sucked in a deep breath through her mouth, while she had been able to breathe before the sudden freedom made her feel deprived.
“And now, you're going to pay,” Jamie cringed, closing her eyes as tightly as she could, preparing herself for the blow. After it didn't come she opened one eye. The man was standing above her with an odd expression, one of both hate and love.
But a kind of love that scared Jamie to her core. It wasn't just love in his eyes, not in the way it should have been. It was a love centered in lust.
Goosebumps erupted over Jamie, cold fear seeped to her heart. Richard lowered to his knees above her.
“You deprived me, and now you're going to pay for it," he said, lowering himself to her, "Make any noise, and I swear to God I'll kill you,”
Tears fell down her cheeks as she struggled to get free from him, but his pressing weight held her firmly in place.
“Stop moving,” he said as his hands began to travel. Jamie cried more and more. But he didn't stop.
He left at two in the morning, leaving Jamie a bloody mess crumpled up on the floor still crying tears that should have dried a long time ago.
Completely alone, unable to move, paralyzed with fear, disgust, hate, she felt a breeze come in through the still open window, it's gentle movements over her naked back brought more tears, and more tears still as she cried the night to morning.
Coming Soon: Chapter 13- The difference between life and death -On both accounts.
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
I'm going to add to this chapter, it's on my to do list. But if I had, I wouldn't have been able to post it here. Small price to pay I guess, but I will fix it, I know that much. Thanks!
Yeah that could have been so much worse.. And really, I would have preferred it so. This was good, nonetheless, but it just want from "ahhh I'm scared!" to "boo hoo" which is rather over dramatic on my part ^^' What I mean to say is, if you would have gone into it more, we would have felt more, and it would have shook the reader to their morrow. I love pushing people like that, but perhaps you don't?
I really would love to see that scene in more detail though, not because I'm sick, but because diving into that stuff carelessly will make you remembered. Shock is sometimes good, when it isn't the only thing there.
Hahaha... not gratuitous! Simply... uh... more cohesive?
But don't worry. You can post that kind of stuff on YWS, so as long as it's rated, it's okay.
I was actually thinking about adding more description later...but if I did, I still wouldn't be able to post it here. I mean, most people here don't want to read about it even mentioned, and it's not allowed described. So chances are, when I start the editing process I'll add more to it. But for this particular audience, it would have been gratuitus and probably deleted...But thank you for your suggestions, I'll definently change some things in this chapter.
-JC
DUDE.
That just DESERVES to have more description! I mean... I know that a lot of people think that description of "naughty" stuff is generally a bad thing, but if you're going to deal with such topics, then you have to be pretty about it. And, in this case, pretty means you have to be a lot more graphic and very intense about it.
First of all, what is happening? And mind you... you have to be very specific about it. Exactly how does he hurt her. Yeah, we know she's being raped and stuff, but we, the readers, want to wince from her pain traveling to us. I think you might want to make the sentences a lot more shorter and choppier and just dig the fact into us that OMG, she is being hurt.
Anyway, good luck on this project! You seem to be very dedicated in it.
What an evil horrible man. (was thinking of another word but I wont say it!)
Could be better with just one, either twelve or midnight.
Powerful stuff, I kinda held my breath whilst reading that line...
Seems a bit odd to put 'here' in as that's present tense....
Gripping, fantastic stuff, JC!!!!!!!!!!
Alainna
xxxxxx
:O
That is all..
and
Poooooooor Jamie! :'(
Meevs
x
I don't know whether you went over the top or not, but it doesn't seem to matter when you're actually reading it. It's really captivating. Just shows how good it is, that I always forget to look for anything bad.
I find Jamie's father sad, more sad than she makes me really. It's just depressing to think that there's people that could actually do things like that. You capture it really well.
It all seems so real. It's almost as if you've watched the whole thing and then recorded it all. Getting some emotional involvement in Jamie now.
And once again, I struggled to find anything wrong. I may have another look through in the morning when I've slept, but this is just to say thanks for a great story so far.
I'm not sure if I'm keeping this chapter... I have to think about what it does to the story. I'm afraid that I might have gone over the top here.
Wow, I don't really know how to comment. It really is an uncensored piece, which touches on some very sad themes. I can't really make any criticisms, I didn't notice any flaws.