[Verse 1]
Nothing tasted better than bitter and sweet
Dangerous poison of love in the mist
The Eden Garden never would've guessed
That it would watch the screenplay every day
[Chorus]
Like pixiedust of fire burning my skin
This feeling is a tragedy based on our will
Magical empire of treasons and love
You'd never know the vice of contradiction
Until you cradle it at night, and watch it grow
[Verse 2]
Nothing is worse than you plotting an ambuscade,
When you know that you're on your enemy's way.
The temple and Delilah never guessed,
That they would see Samson be fooled again.
[Chorus]
Like pixiedust of fire burning my skin
This feeling is a tragedy based on our will
Magical empire of treasons and love
You'd never know the vice of contradiction
Until you mistreat pride, to let it show
[Bridge]
Will you miss me on the bridge
between "I'm letting go" and "come back, please"?
Let's laugh, drink lemon juice, and reminisce
We can still play the classics from our list
[Chorus]
They are pixiedust of fire burning our skin
This feeling is a tragedy based on our will
Magical empire of treasons and love
You'd never know the vice of contradiction
Until you wipe it off, like worthless dust.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Hello Gee! So technically, this still counts as a Green Room review. So let's get it out, shall we?
Overall, this is well-written, but I find it somewhat confusing. In the verses, there's all this religious imagery, then in the bridge you're talking about someone you miss. I mean, I like the bridge, but it seems out of place. Minor note: No one drinks lemon juice, it's for cooking. I assume you mean lemonade?
These lines are bugging me for some reason. I think because they're vague after coming off the strong "pixiedust of fire" image. I think you could expand upon that. Like "Branding us with treason and love" or something along those lines.
Also, you have a couple places that rhyme, which stick out in this free verse piece. The weirdest example is "ambuscade/enemy's way". It an odd word that threw me off and it looks like a forced rhyme in a piece that doesn't rhyme, which is doubly strange. I'd alter than unless you wanted to rhyme all the way through, which I doubt you do. (Hey that rhymed!
Overall, there's a lot of solid images in this, but I'm still confused as to how it all fits. The weird rhyming bits should be changed too. Good job and keep writing!
Sol! Hello!
It's rather excellent. My favourite lines are: "Let's laugh, drink lemon juice, and reminisce. We can still play the classics from our list."
Let me just tell you, I really like these lyrics. They're catchy, they're meaningful, and I bet they would sound awesome to music.
It's interesting to me, too, that you don't have any grammatical errors that I can find.
I think my favourite part is the way you change the last line of the chorus each time. It draws it all together, really keeps someone's interest. I also like how it doesn't really rhyme. Usually, people try to make their lyrics rhyme and it sounds ridiculous. But sometimes, it doesn't need to rhyme, as you've proven here. It does flow, however, and rolls of the tongue as one reads it out loud. I like it.
Anyways, great job. Keep writing!
-Fire
Aww. Thank you, Firish<3 :]
I really like it
gives me a lot of entertaining imagery. Would love to hear it read dramatically or sang if that's what it was made for!
Thaaaaanks, Tommybear!!
Sol, you have a gift for verse. I don't see any grammatical errors, either.
Gracias, Wabbit.
af'kad'fkad'kf I need to review this. REMIND ME LATER.
YES IT'S FEATURED. Um. I SWEAR I'M STILL GONNA REVIEW IT.
XD Okay. Thanks, Popup.