Young Writers Society

Hi there, Gee.

That last stanza is so beautiful that I had to say something about it at the beginning of the review. My, oh, my.

This poem is about innocence, yes? It's lovely. The rhyme scheme isn't too distracting, and your words create a lovely soup (soup is delicious, especially this soup).

That being said, there are a few things I'd like to address in this poem.

The cover of this book belongs to Adam and Eve,
And ever since then we're condemned to malice.

These pages' title exists due to temptations and lies,

And yet, desperation scrags me before your innocuous eyes.

Rend my heart! For no one will accept an escrow.

HELLOO VAL! Dogs here with your review of the day . Alrighty new style of poetry! Woo hooo! Before I even go on about your poem... may I just say that your magnificent use of vocab is always astoundingly jaw dropping. It's amazing how you can write such amazing poetry in two different languages. I cannot be more impressed with you every time I read you work. So to even find anything wrong I gotta be suppperr nit picky.

Ok so the only problem you run into with your rhyming poetry is that your lines are so long that you loose the rhyming rhythm that your creating. Rhyming poetry is most effective in shorter and sweater lines. So in that regard you're not quite using rhyming as effectively as you could be.

I love the last line of the 1st stanza: "desperation scrags me before your innocuous eyes" wonderful just wonderful word choice and description. Absolutely nothing bad to say about that.

Ok so in the second stanza you say that "this words will be feckless" I think you had a slight typo there and I'm not sure what you're trying to insinuate. Are you trying to say "these words" or this world" because tenses are little off in that line.

Ok I'm not sure that I understand the last two lines of the second stanza, that isn't quite clear. Who is talking and why?

Looovvee the first line of the 3rd stanza. Although when you say "in a box of reek" that sounds a tad bit awkward.

Other then those tiny wini little nit picks I think this is a fabulous piece and I absolutely loovvee it. Only a few tiny touch ups for you Val and you'll be on the right track. Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi Prettyface!

Thanks for posting this, I prefer getting a look at poems in the crisp space of the page, there's something different in reading it here to a pad. Maybe I just take it more seriously, more critically. Hopefully I won't be too critical!

So I love how this begins, but you lose it almost immediately in the third line, "these pages'" is for some reason too confusing for me. I want to read it as "This page's" - and I did for both times I read the poem until I started writing a critique! Consider the change, I don't think it would ruin what you're saying at all. Following that, the fourth line has too many words! I love innocuous and desperation but scags is really out of place. I don't want to lose it because it's a nice, rough word and it sets off the stanza, but it's also what I keep coming to as out of place. I don't know what you'd use otherwise, but you might have to lose "innocuous" cause it'll just be too long. polysyllabic words are difficult to manage in poems and you have to be careful otherwise they overwhelm what you're doing.

You have "and this words" in the second line of your second stanza and that doesn't make sense at all. I am digging your rhyme so far but I am feeling that it is a bit forced, though I lovelovelove the italics!

"in a box of reek"? ew no. No. I know what you're saying because of the scent after but I think you should chuck the reek bit entirely, it just isn't working. Use the scent anyway, people know it as a smooth, pleasant scent and your narrator can be that still, in the world's derangement.

Mur, it ends smoothly but with a little bit of an anticlimax, the second last line is what is losing it for me. Something in it is just... dull? "learn how to live" I think is what is pulling it down. There just isn't enough to push the line into the next. I like the beauty moving to the debris and paint, but we're still distracted by the line before it. Consider altering the learn how to live to something like "we all live to excess, but you don't let the beauty escape"? it might alter the meaning a little but it gives a smoother transition to the line after. Also lose some of those periods for a comma or something, far too static!

I like this though, it's soft and sweet and I have no idea about rhyme except I do feel it's a bit forced here. Try rhyming with assonance instead? I don't know. xD Thank you again for posting it!

~ <3

Gee, Solvy! A lot of this is very powerful, and that's awesome!

But you had me screaming noooooo when you wrote this:

Rend my heart! For no one will accept an escrow.

The cover of this book belongs to Adam and Eve,
And ever since then we're condemned to malice.

The cradle, the blanket, the pastel colors will dissipate,

Be blind to debris; paint a page where the angels can gape.