Carpe Diem

Hi, GeeLyria! Indie here for a review.

So I really like this poem, especially the color symbolism you convey so nicely in this. I’ll focus on the content and message you’re trying to get across here, as well as some other little nit-picky things. Here we go!

1st STANZA:
“I can ride my bike without handle bars;
You can't see the steep hill, when the fog is white.
I can walk the tightrope wearing dark blue heels,
As I hold a book to recite some lines.”

Loved the opening line!:) I actually read it in tune with the “Handlebars” song by the Flobots. Okay, so you don’t need the comma in the second line. The rhythm in this stanza is very nice; your flow is pretty flawless, for the most part. I love how the whole idea of disregarded fear is portrayed in this - from the fog covering the steepness of the hill, to the lack of concentration while tightrope-walking. The only problem I have with this is the last line. So I get what you’re trying to say here - the whole multitasking in the face of fear that we women are designed to do - but you use vague articles to describe the thing that distracts you from the fear of falling. “A” book, “some” lines. Even the word “recite” is kind of dreary - I think of monotone voices when I hear this word, and also, recite is normally reading something from memory, without need for the information’s source. So what’s so special about this book? These particular lines?

2nd STANZA:
“I can lead a group with a sailor's voice, 
With an aqua dress, and a yellow tie. 
I can sail away when the tides are high,
Thinking the wind might rage, but I can survive.”

It would make this stanza, particularly the last two lines, more personable and easier to relate with if you put what the narrator is thinking in italics or something of the sort.
Like so: Thinking, The wind might rage, but I can survive.
I love the rhythm in the second and third lines the best. When I first read over this stanza, I was a bit confused about the last line, but I gotcha now

3rd STANZA:
“I can walk in your boots (won't judge or judstify). 
I could find the cure for a broken heart. 
But when the moment stands right before my eyes,
I hop outside the line, when fear invades my mind.”

First line - oops, little typo! Should be “justify.” Also, about this line, I know you probably would like to stick with your rhythm/line break scheme, so I won’t thrust the whole enjambment lecture on you (if I did, I would say to have “or justify” start a second line).. But I’ll suggest to at least press the enter key between boots and the start of parentheses. I like the parentheses in here - it takes a very intuitive poet to place them well, and you did this nicely. But, in my opinion, it just throws the rhythm off with all those syllables together in one line! The second line, about curing a broken heart, is probably my least favorite line in this whole poem. Not because of the content, but because of the rhythm. In the fourth line, I think you should try swapping the places of the two clauses and word it something like this: “fear invades my mind, and I hop outside the line.” Just because you repeat “when” twice and it just allows for more of a flow.

4th STANZA:

“Because once my bed was smaller than that bike,
And not long ago, I was afraid of heights. 
Once I was the weird kid on the hall,
And high tides can get you drowned.”

This is a wonderful last stanza. A few little pointers: add a comma after because, just for clarification. The first two lines of this stanza are absolutely beautiful. They tie in wonderfully with what you’ve said in the previous stanzas. Now, the last two lines are where things are a little fuzzy. I think you could write a stronger image for the third line - the first, second, and fourth lines refer back to previous stanzas, and I think this would be even stronger if you did this with the third line as well. Maybe try tying it in with the boots idea, by saying something like your “feet were too small” to fit in this person’s boots, etc. Just an idea, but something like that would make more of an impact. The idea of the last line is magnificent.. But the wording is just awkward. Since there’s not a huge rhyming scheme in this, there’s really no reason for you to sacrifice well-fit wording. But just a few tweaks and it will be fine!

Side-note: I noticed that you capitalize the first letter of each line. If that’s part of your style, that’s perfectly fine! I just noticed that it’s not necessary, but that’s completely up to you.

Overall, I love the theme you have going here: it’s adventurous, and you keep with that same theme throughout the entire poem. Congrats for your consistency!:) That’s something I struggle with myself.

This was a lovely poem! The more I worked through it, the more I appreciated it. Best wishes, and keep writing!!

xx,
Indie.

Hello there Val! Tucker here with your review. Okey dokey, I like the little note you give us about your colors. I know I certainly would never have been able to understand this poem without that note. I love the idea and concept of this poem, it has great potential and you certainly bring it to the fullest of that potential. The biggest note I can give you is about your rhythm, which falls off at times at the expense of your imagery. Even still, it's just minor extremely nit picky notes.

"I can walk the tightrope wearing dark blue heels,
As I hold a book to recite some lines."

Ok, so when I read this aloud it just sounds a little off. I think maybe there is a few syllable to many in your 3rd line of the 1st stanza. This is totally minor and nit picky, but try changing "wearing dark blue heels" to just "with dark blue heels." It'll drop of a syllable just to help a flow a little. Furthermore, in that last line "some lines" is just throwing me off. I'm not sure why, maybe you could drop the "some" part, or say "recite the lines" istead. Just to make it flow smoothly. I really love the imagery of the white fog, excellent writing there.

The second stanza is pretty darn good I'd say. Love the last two lines, except maybe try to find a different word for "survive." It breaks up the flow slightly.

"I can walk in your boots (won't judge or judstify)"

Usually I'm against parenthesis in writing because it breaks the natural flow of your writing for the reader. Although I'm trying to think of a way to work in the contents of your parenthesis into the line smoothly. I suppose you could leave it as is, but if you can find a way around the parenthesis try to change it.

"And high tides can get you drowned"

I think that this line is awkwardly worded. You have such a great build up that I want such a smooth and natural and wonderful ending. Your ending gets a little jumbled with this last line because of the awkward wording. Maybe try saying something like: "And hight tides can drown you" I know it doesn't sound quite as good, but rhythm wise it's a smoother ending. Love the concept you use to close it out though, excellent work there. All and all this is a great piece that I enjoyed reading. Just some tiny nit picky errors to fix up and then you'll be looking great. Let me know if you ever need a review! Keep up the good work Val dearest .

TuckEr EllsworTh