This is my first short story. If you like it click "Like" ^up^ to the left, please! Thanks 
Please! Don't hate the picture, I draw it on Paint and then colored it on Photoshop, but I don't really know how to use it!
That night was really spooky for people who don't like thunder, lightning and pouring rain, but to me that night was a beautiful melody.
“Aaah!” my little sister yelled, hugging me when she heard the first thunder.
“Why are you screaming, Sam?” I asked, laughing.
“Didn't you hear? The sky is mad,” she said, scared.
“The sky is not mad... I mean, can't you feel it? That's nature singing for us and God is the conductor,” I said.
Then I went to bed and turned the lights off; I could hear the rain drops hitting the roof and ground. The lightning illuminated my room, giving it a blue tinge, and after that, the loud thunder. So, I fell asleep with that wild lullaby, a lullaby that kept playing all night.
At 3:00 a.m. I was sleeping like a hibernating bear, and thunder had finished hours ago. A loud noise, coming from my backyard, woke me up. It sounded like a frying pan crashing to the floor. When I jumped off the bed, it stopped raining. I looked outside the window, but everything was really dark and the only thing that was visible was the moon. Seconds later, a green light appeared from the ground; It was pointing to the sky. I was all freaked out, but I kept looking. I saw the light coming from a silver vehicle. I saw a two foot-long skinny creature with green skin and big black eyes, looking all around my backyard.
“Now, where am I?” He asked himself. Then he looked through the window and saw me.
“Hey, can you tell me the name of this star?” he asked seriously.
“U-uu... w-well, this is Pla-a-net Ea-ea-rth,” I said stuttering.
“Hmm, Pla-a-net Ea-a-rth. Looks really interesting! Now, what is this exactly?” He asked, touching my bicycle.
“That is, ummm... ummm... DYNAMITE! Don't you touch that or you'll be dead alien,” I lied.
“Okay... Then, do you know my way home?” asked the creepy creature.
“I don't know, where do you live?” I asked.
“Well, do you see that star up there? I live two stars to the right, close to that cloud, on planet Mars,” he said. The truth is, I couldn't see one single star on the sky, but I wanted him to go away, so I told him “Oh, yes. I can tell you your way home. Well, you gotta go directly to that bright star over there, then you gotta jump two stars to the right, but remember to avoid that shooting star...” While I was saying that, the creature turned into a squirrel and it gave me an all teeth smile. I screamed, but then, I put my hand on my mouth, I was yawning and for some reason I felt like I was waking up. I was standing on the window and I saw the morning light. No aliens in my backyard and no squirrels smiling at me.
Thanks for ReAdING!!
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139,327 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
this is really interesting I enjoyed reading this seemingly sci fy story it's wild and extraordinary to say it was good would be a lie because I thought it was great I would advise people to read this enchanting short story!
NO! Never do that. This is my dark past. D= Lol. Thanks for the comment, though. <.>
Hahahaha... yeah, I know.
Thanks. But this post is really old...
You have good ideas, just need work on sentance structure and descriptions more, keep writing, I really liked this story. (:
Haha, nice story. I like aliens. And I like the way you wrote the part where the main charakter wakes up.
Also, I really liked the way you described the thunderstorm.
Still it was a little big long at the beginning, and you kind of rushed it in the end.
Also it was a little cliché, but I cannot say I don't enjoy that from time to time (this was such a time).
Well done, but I don't think this is your best work.
Ok so overall it was a good story. You have a very strong beginning, I like it and the sister is a good touch. But could fix a few things.
I think this setence should go after the sister hugs the narrator.
That night was really spooky for people who don't like thunder, lightning and pouring rain, but to me that night was a beautiful melody.
“Aaah!” my little sister yelled, hugging me when she heard the first thunder.
“Why are you screaming, Sam?” I asked, laughing.
“Didn't you hear? The sky is mad,” she said, scared.
“The sky is not mad... I mean, can't you feel it? That's nature singing for us and God is the conductor,” I said. Really awesome here
This needs a better transition. Like "It was getting late and I had (something like school) tomorrow so I decided to go to bed.Then I went to bed and turned the lights off; I could hear the rain drops hitting the roof and ground. The lightning illuminated my room, giving it a blue tinge, and after that, the loud thunder. So,Get rid of the "So," I fell asleep with that wild lullaby, a lullaby that kept playing all night.A lullaby that played all night.
At 3:00 a.m. I was sleeping like a hibernating bear, and thethunder had finished hours ago. A loud noise, coming from my backyard, woke me up. It sounded like a frying pan crashing to the floor. When I jumped off the bed, it hadstopped raining. I looked outside the window, but everything waspitch black really dark and the only thing that wasThe only thing visible visible was the moon. Seconds later,Suddenly, a green light appeared from the ground; It wasTake our "It was" pointing to the sky. I was allI was freaked out and scared freaked out, but I kept lookingmesmerized. I saw the light coming from a silver vehiclemaybe you could describe the vehicle more (optional). I saw a two foot-long skinny creature with green skin and big black eyes, looking all around my backyard.
“Now, where am I?” He asked himself.You could describe his voice. He is an alien afterall, his voice is probably defferent from a human. Then he looked through the window and saw me.
“Hey, can you tell me the name of this star?” he asked seriously.
“U-uu... w-well, this is Pla-a-net Ea-ea-rth,” I said stuttering.
“Hmm, Pla-a-net Ea-a-rth. Looks really interesting! Now, what is this exactly?” He asked, touching my bicycle.
“That is, ummm... ummm... DYNAMITE! Don't you touch that or you'll be dead alien,” I lied. Why did you lie?
“Okay... Then, do you know my way home?” asked the creepy creature.
“I don't know, where do you live?” I asked.
“Well, do you see that star up there? I live two stars to the right, close to that cloud, on planet Mars,” he said. The truth is, I couldn't see one single star on the sky, but I wanted him to go away, so I told him “Oh, yes. I can tell you your way home. Well, you gotta go directly to that bright star over there, then you gotta jump two stars to the right, but remember to avoid that shooting star...” While I was saying that, the creature turned into a squirrel and it gave me an a toothy smileall teeth smile. I screamed, but then, but when I put my hand over my mouth in terror I was yawning and looking out the window to the morning lightI put my hand on my mouth, I was yawning and for some reason I felt like I was waking up. I was standing on the window and I saw the morning light. No aliens in my backyard and no squirrels smiling at me.
Hello! I thought your story was very good, but the thing that really ruined it for me was your choice of wors to describe the "creepy creature". The use of alliteration doesn't work very well in this context. If you changed it to "asked the creature" I feel that it flows a little better! But other than that I thought it was great!
Hello! I'll be reviewing you story, just remember that what ever I write you don't have to take too seriously...
Lovely begining, it really sets the scene.The whole scene doesn't make much since to me but to establish that "I" has a younger sister named Sam. It would be nice if you were able to could place the main characters name in here.
This whole sentence would be a lot stronger if you were to remove "Then".
You did a great job of detailing but on the last sentence you should remove "So,".
Remove the (,).
"watching" would work better then "looking".
Place a (.) where the (,) is and capitalize "where".
OMG, I laughed myself silly with the ending! I never saw it coming.
keep up the good work!
~SP
Hiya! Happy Review Day and Halloween!
I didn't really enjoy it. I liked the way you described the thunderstorm, though. That was cool 
First of all, please don't beg for "likes". I don't know about everyone else, but I like something if I really do like it, not because the person asked me too. It's a pet peeve of mine.
Ok! No offense, but I didn't really like this too much :/ It belongs in Science Fiction, for one thing. Also, it wasn't really... intriguing. There was no story line, or mystery, or plot at all, really. I don't know much about grammar, but that seemed... off, if that makes any sense at all
Anywho, I'm supposing that this is not your best work. I'm sure you have many much better ones. I just didn't like it too much. No offense.
Bye! Keep writing.
Love it! Extremely unique, and at least fifty percent of the terms you used in this story were exquisite and repeatidly drew me in more and more. It was impossible for me to stop reading if I'm going to be honest!
In my review, I'll try mentioning stuff nobody else has mentioned.
I'll only comment the first bit, because frankly everybody else has done the rest and if I were to review it, I'd be too nit-picky.
I think the sound should be added in there because you mentioned that to you it was a beautiful melody.
And the words in the green are words I thought instantly described your character to me, the first of many of my favourites
What I have added isn't actually necessary, but for me it added a more easier flow.
This sentence couldn't have made me smile more! It was, out of them all, my favourite. It is a very creative sentence and gives me the impression that your character is very passionate about nature. Wonderful description here.
The words in the green painted the scene for me, and it reminded me of some of those old movies. Y'know, where the main character is usually tucked up in bed, terrified, then lightning brings their room to life and causes them to jump out of their skin? Yeah, one of those moments.
I also added more of because again; it helped the flow for me.
That part that mentioned a hibernating bear was superb!
The was added because and thunder didn't sound right at all for me.
I'll end my review here, and I'd just like to say this was an excellent story!
-Pernicious.
Woah! That was really cool! I really like the interpretation of the thunderstorm-how it wasn't something to be feared. It was more of something to be in awe of. I'll remember that next time there is a thunderstorm!
The part with the alien seemed a little strange and random but it wasn't awful. You should explain what the alien looks like a little more though. Use lots of adjectives and make sure that the reader can "see" the alien in their mind.
Dear Solvalery,
Wow, you had some tough comments there! Hmmmm...
It's ok girl, I'll help you out!
My name, if we haven't been introduced, is The Written Chef. I have the honor of giving you some critiques today.
So let's get down to business shall we?
The first thing I would like to point out is your voice. You created a very 'anime-esque' way of presenting material if you will, sorta like an 'immature' style to create quirky humor which totally fits your age. So well done on that, because in not knowing the character's age, you could definitley guess from the clues.
Indeed, this was a short story!!
The gist of the whole thing was that because the main character appreciated nature (storms) he didn't realize an alien had crash landed or whatever in his yard. And this alien, apparently, didn't know either as it seems he was off track in his destination and therefore needs a direction back home.
When you describe stutters, which I have been guilty of doing in the past as well, do not spell them out. From the reader's side, it's actually quite annoying instead of helpful. So just say something like 'he stuttered, or was barely able to speak.'
Also, the more space you give to your stories (design really) than it will be easier for the reader to follow. For instance, I would (if it were me) devide up the final paragraphs dialogue and description into like four or five more beginnings. This is so the reader doesn't become tired, and can easily jump from one place to another thinking they've reached a level-headed reading pace. It's always great when you can compliment the reader.
Long story short, because I farely enjoyed this piece and looking over mistakes I could give you a 3/5 for effort. However, if you wanted me to be a critic then I would give you around a 2.25/5 for structure and development.
It was a great first short story, and from now on you have some stuff and rules to go by. Thanks for sharing your work with us, as we all we be looking forward to the others!
Sincerely,
The Written Chef
Comments in red.
Final thoughts:
There's waaaay too much telling in this. You missed dozens of good chances to show. Even the reactions are told. It makes the piece flat and boring. It actually took me several tries to go through the piece. I simply couldn't drown in your world.
Imagery is incredibly weak, so strengthen it. Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of broken glass in the moonlight - Chekhov said that, and it's a very good way to show and not tell. Telling leads us to the use of weak verbs, which also kills your piece. Let's taken an example from your work and turn it to showing rather than telling.
You wrote that. Now, let's turn it into showing.
Granted, you don't want your alien to sound creepy so show it in a different manner. But you get the gist.
Next, this is just a huge mash-up of clichés. It's one after another. First it was the thunderstorm, which was, by the way, extremely pointless. It had nothing to do whatsoever with the actual story. The older sister comforting the younger sister during a thunderstorm scene has also been done numerous times, and there have been a lot of instances when it was used as the beginning.
Then there's the falling asleep and waking up to a weird noise. That one I can forgive, but when you told me what the alien looked like, it was way too much. The alien is an exact carbon copy of the alien cliché. Green, short, with big black eyes. Give me something original to work with.
Not to mention the whole I need to find my way home thing, and the it-was-just-a-dream scene. I think the squirrel was the only original part of this piece. The rest is so predictable and expected that I didn't know why I was reading. If I wasn't intent on reviewing this, then I would have stopped at the end of the first sentence.
Your character is extremely flat. Flatter than paper. She doesn't even panic when she sees the alien. Any rational person would either panic or think twice or maybe even stare in surprise. But no. She just answers, or stammers. Her fear isn't even convincing. She has no quirks, nothing. Like a paper doll being used to play out the roles.
First person doesn't work here either, because first person is extremely difficult to pull off. First person requires you to know your character from the heart and to be so in tune with her voice you know exactly what she would think at any given moment. Also requires your character to have a voice strong enough to support the narrative. Your character lacks personality, much more voice. I'll give a few examples of first person POVs that work, and ones that don't work.
North of Beautiful by Justina Chen Headley works because Terra has a distinct voice peppered throughout the novel. She mentions mapmaking terms, because it's an innate part of her personality, and this quirk helps her voice become clearer. Terra's voice is also distinct because of her hypersensitivity when it comes to her cheek.
Cracked Up To Be by Courtney Summers works because Parker's voice is so bitter and it demands attention. It wants to be heard. You can practically read her personality oozing from every word of the book. The voice is so powerful it could be a monologue and I wouldn't notice.
Ten Cents a Dance by Christine Fletcher works because Ruby's voice is also distinct, and like Parker, her voice drips with personality. She's also easy to relate to despite the book's setting, because the ambition and drive in her voice is something familiar to people. Ruby has a peculiar way of looking at things, and she's extremely rational and down to earth.
The Red Queen's Daughter by Jacqueline Kolosov doesn't work because the MC (I don't even remember her name) was so boring and flat I didn't really have any reason to read on. Her voice killed the narrative instead of supporting it.
Beautiful Creatures by Garcia and Stohl fails because the main character sounds like a forty-year-old housewife who has nothing better to do than gossip...but he's a teenage boy. The authors failed to capture Ethan's voice, and therefore the book didn't quite work for me.
In first person, voice is essential. Forcing your character to narrate the story might not work, especially if said character isn't strong enough to handle the narrative. Third person close is the way to go unless the character's voice screams out to you and throws a tantrum until you write it in his/her POV.
You lack imagery. This ties in to telling. Your words don't hold me spellbound. Try reading more books with beautiful descriptions- Nabokov's books are good. Jeff Vandermeer's City of Saints and Madmen also describes the surroundings beautifully. Both allow you to submerge yourself in their prose.
Your story doesn't start where it's supposed to. It starts too early. Start when she wakes up and sees the alien, because that's where the actual story starts. The beginning reads like filler and it bored me to death. Plus, it had absolutely NOTHING to do with the rest of the piece. Every detail in the story has to be vital. If it's not important, don't mention it.
Your word choice is weak. Might want to think twice before using any word. Words are our weapons, and you certainly don't want to bring a sword to a gunfight. No. You want to bring a bazooka to a swordfight.
Anyway, that was my two cents. Hope this review is useful. PM me if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kara
This is a beautiful passage-keep reading
Hello there, Solva!
Here to review.
Nitpicks on the way, okay?
I like this line. Giving personification of that makes your story lively.
I probably add 'against' between 'hitting' and 'the', so it'll be good to read in that particular line.
I don't like how you repeated the word 'lullaby' twice. It's because it's never fun to read repeated words, especially within a line only, though in a paragraph is forgivable, Solva.
I don't know why but it feels a little bit strange especially with this line. How will your MC know that she's sleeping like a hibernating bear, I mean, she's sleeping!
Confusing especially with the conversation going on. Remember, (the 'bold' line) that the alien's still outside, talking to your MC through her window and it feels so awkward that they're talking with a barrier around them. If you can just perhaps, show us that she went out from room or house and went towards the confused alien.
Standing on the window when she woke up? How? Sleepwalking? I don't think so. I feel like you wanted to say is taht she sat up on the bed, looking through her window or something like that.
Okay, here are my final opinions:
Seeing the other reviews around me, it's a good thing your taking it into an account so you can make your story better, a sign that you really want to get better.
First off, the pace. Really, even if your story is all just a dream, the current pace of this piece is quite confusing. So I would like to suggest that you need to describe more of her surroundings, especially to her dream, and make that dream as a 'real' dream. Like, I was thinking if you can be more imaginative enough to show that that your dreams is just not all about an alien and a squirrel, twist up those a bit.
Second, punctuations. I can see that you're struggling well with it and that's okay but you also have to be vigilant of it, it's what brings about the flow and everything.
Third, let's go at the good things. Your tenses are quite good now and your spellings are flawless, so keep up on that. Though this piece is just short, I find this interesting but like I said before, twist this up and be more imaginative.
Overall: I see this has a great potential to be really good, so why won't you read this again and see if you can edit this up. I tell you, this will turn good if you just fix those errors and everything. PM me for questions.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
~yuri
Hey there
I think the first sentence could be worded a little better to hook the reader, you know? Maybe start with some imagery, describing the thunder and lightning (I don't think it's thunders or lightnings) and then say how you thought it was a beautiful melody.
Also, you can just say that you sister yelled and hugged you, putting the "aah" is unnecessary since that is a yell.
Comma before laughing
Comma before scared. And you could even use something else like fearfully or trembling.
I really like that.
Shouldn't those be in a different order? Or do you mean she went to bed, because it doesn't sound like she is sleeping.
...the loud thunder what? It boomed? Crashed?
You already said that then you went to sleep, so earlier you should say I went to bed. And take out a "then" in one of those instances.
Start a new paragraph At 3:00
I'm pretty sure thunder is plural without the s. And maybe say the thunder had finished hours ago, "gone" doesn't seem as good to me.
Good frying pan simile.
All freaked out... seems a bit conversational. I was freaked out works.
Hmm, instead of repeating I saw you could just describe the scene, "a light came... a two foot long creature...looked all around my backyard."
That was a very cool idea, and very creative. Good work, especially for your first.
'That night was really spooky for people who don't like thunders, lightnings and pouring rain, but to me that night was a beautiful melody.' Unless your main character is like six, I wouldn't put 'really spooky' in your first sentence. Being a teenager, that phrase being the first thing I read strikes me as mildly irritating. 'Beautiful Melody' is good, if not a bit cliche.
'Then I went to sleep and turned the lights off' First of all, I think she would turn out the lights BEFORE going to sleep. Having it the other way seems a bit odd. XD Besides that, this happens a little suddenly. Picture if this were really happening. You have a little sister who's scared in a thunderstorm. You give her a spiffy little metaphor, and then...
You: Well, g'night! ^^ *shuts off lights, rolls over, and starts snoring.*
Sam: *sitting in the dark, not comforted at all, feeling suddenly very alone.* O.O
That's kind of cruel, even for an older sister.
'A loud noise, coming from my backyard, woke me up. It sounded like the crash of a frying pan hitting the floor.' Lightning is a lullaby, and she's sleeping 'like a hibernating bear' but a frying pan wakes her up? o.O
'When I jumped off the bed, it stopped raining' Why? Do her feet have some magical power to stop the rain when she gets out of bed? It's implausible that the rain would stop RIGHT when she gets up. Maybe she realizes that it stopped raining earlier... Or it's still drizzling just a little bit, and even that fades away after a minute or two.
Where is she? Sleeping on an outside porch? In her room on the second floor? What happened to Sam? How can she see/hear the alien so well from where she is? How can he hear her? How does he understand English if he doesn't even know what planet he's on? Is she at all scared to be seeing an alien? How did her bicycle get there, and why does she tell him it's dynamite?
'Well, do you see that star up there? I live two starts to the right, close to that cloud, on planet Mars' If he can explain all that, why does he need directions? o.O
'and for some reason I felt like I was waking up.' And that reason is probably because she is. XP
This makes slightly more sense when you account for the fact that the main character is using dream logic, but still... Some things are a bit odd, I'd like a bit more description in some places, and the main character really does sound like she's six or something, which - being sixteen years old - is kind of annoying for me, personally, to read. Some things don't sound very natural... And some things sound just plain odd. That does happen in dreams, so I did kind of go 'Oh, well then... That makes more sense' once it was over, but in the middle of it I was just a bit irritated.
This is your first short story, I suppose, so you will get better, but for the moment this could use some work, I think...
Another thing... Thinking about the story as a whole, not much happened. Certainly not much that I haven't read before in other stories.
Little girl (who mysteriously vanishes later on) is scared of storm. Big sister consoles her and goes to sleep. Gets woken up to find that an alien has landed in her backyard. Girl tells him that her two-wheeled transportation device is an explosive that could end his life. He seems to be okay with this. Alien is lost. Needs directions. Turns into squirrel. Girl wakes up from dream.
The most unique things there were bike-dynamite and squirrel, neither of which made any kind of sense to me at all until I got to the very end. I think this story could have a lot of potential... Or rather, it has the potential to have a lot of potential. However, it needs quite a bit of polishing, and maybe some rewriting. :\
Don't be discouraged, though. Keep working. You WILL get better. ^^
I hope this review helps! I liked your story, but there were some grammatical and spelling errors! I also noted about the wording of the sentence, so, again, I hope this helps you!
Hey there, Sol!
Well introducing like..I am Amy and so and so is really not the style of beginning nowadays. people now like to read something which has got a thrill into it, a deep thought or a beautiful description of the surroundings. There are many ways of introducing your story but this just not do for me. But I liked the second line; you gave us a wonderful start to a thrill. It could have been the starting line.The first thing that struck me was there was no proper spacing between your note and the story. Either you could have made it into a bold thing or given some space so the writer didn't confuse the both. it's nowhere related to the story review, mind you.
I really must say that here you have tried your best to give us some imagery and I quiet liked it. My only nit-pick would b that a night cannot be a melody but like a melody. So watch out on that!
I really liked how you improved your dialog writing.
The time where Amy says to her little sister that the sky is not mad and the nature's singing was very good, but after that she went off to sleep. You could have elaborated between these two actions. It's just my advice!
Shubhi likes it!
I really loved this again! You amazed me with your writing skills this time.
This sentence seemed a bit off to me.
I must really say that you have improved a ton since I read that novel of yours. You really tried your best to give us the imagery and the description, and it really worked. I won't say it was perfect, but it was a good start and if you keep on working so hard, you'll definitely become very very good at it. And I mean it.
There's still one habit of your which I couldn't stop myself on pointing on. You make a very very long sentence by putting commas. Which could easily been trasformed into two-three sentences, you made it one. I hope you take care of that.
For eg:
The ending could have been more dramatic in terms of words. like: I was standing on the window and saw the morning light. No aliens at my backyard and no squirrels smiling at me.
I hope this helped. the quest is definitely on and I would update you with it very soon!
~Shubhi
Hiya,
I think the thing I like the most about the story is that you take risks and don't shy away from creating the fullest story you can. Some parts don't really make sense, but seeing as how this the very first short story you've ever written, I wouldn't expect you to get everything right right away. You'll learn in time and through practice, right? However, the one thing that really irked me is your beginning.
It's not exciting in the slightest and doesn't really get me excited to read the rest of the story. Think for a minute that a story is a roller-coaster and the reader is the person who rides it. A good hook will strap them in and keep them until the very end; a poor one will make things loose and easy for the reader to get out.
My main problem is that it feels redundant. Why do you need to give us this character's name and age right here? It's out of place and seems really jarring. Try to make it weave more seamlessly in the story, make it natural. Maybe the Aliens know Amy's name because they've been stalking her for a bit, either that or they're just really smart. If you can't find good a way to relay this information to us, you're better off not inserting it into the story at all. There are some good stories where narrators have no name or age that is known; The Tell Tale Heart is a good example of this.
Take a look at this. It's a fantastic article about how to craft beginnings. Once you have a good beginning, the rest of your story should fall into place.
-Elinor x
The underlined sentence I find is very pretty, I like it a lot
This was cool
I think you need to read over your work before you post, because a few sentences didn't make sense, but you have a great way with words. I like your style
Wow. That was really cool. I love it!