Another silly poem. xD Hope you like it. ^_^
Well, hi there, old friend of mine.
Like a criminal to the crime scene,
you always seem to come back.
Walk over my carpet, and feel free to take a seat,
while we talk about our complex relationship.
I've invited you today,
but don't you dare to feel at home.
Keep in mind that you're just a guest.
This is the first and the last time,
that I'll let you appreciate my curtains and walls.
I'll talk about what I feel for you,
while I know you'll play temptation's game.
But I'll ignore you to focus, like Arrogance does,
just like the night avoids the sun.
You, Procrastination,
are Irresponsibility's most admired comrade.
And I'm not willing to fail for being hypnotized again:
I clearly remember that time by the shore.
Back when I was shorter,
you made me think about floating bottles,
and how a message could travel by diaphanous waters.
"To finish your homework, you have plenty of time.
I know, inserting more minutes in an hour is not allowed.
But, would you actually break distraction's heart?"
And yet talking about you, and realizing how sneaky you are,
you still seem to have the ability to steal my time.
The door is open, and I have homework to do,
one more period I will waste, after this bittersweet goodbye.
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Canary word: Present
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139,269 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
This is my worst poem. Lol.
I absolutely love this!! I can say right now I can DEFINITELY relate since I should currently be doing an essay...but it's not due for three days so i have time right?!
Anyway!! I'm sure most of the previous reviewers have already covered the basics and the small areas/nit picks in order to make it even more marvelous. But I will say that this is definitely my favorite verse:
Back when I was shorter,
you made me think about floating bottles,
and how a message could travel by diaphanous waters.
"To finish your homework, you have plenty of time.
I know, inserting more minutes in an hour is not allowed.
But, would you actually break distraction's heart?"
I love your word choices! Diaphanous..*shivers*...just love it
Keep writing!
<3 Sara.
I would say that I'm procrastinating my reading this, but that wouldn't be true, because as of today I HAVE NOTHING TO DO!
Random little school's-out spaz there ...
Anyway, I thought this was brilliant. I think the vast majority of us can relate to it in some way, and those who can't, count yourselves lucky.
I think your previous reviewers have pretty much summed everything up, so I just want to say I really like this, and keep writing, always and forever.
- Ignis
Hello, my dear sis.
I haven't reviewed in a while, and so review shall I!
Nitpicks:
- 'to' doesn't seem to be the right word there.
- Correction: 'seat'
- Cool comparison.
- Capitalize the 'p' in 'procrastination' since you're using the apostrophe figure of speech here, the same thing you did with 'Arrogance' and 'Irresponsibility'.
- Didn't you mean 'fall'?
- When the reader hasn't read after this line, 'shore' looks out of nowhere. I suggest putting an ellipsis rather than a period at the end.
- Interesting message from Procrastination. xD
- Capitalize the first letter of 'distraction'.
- I'm not sure if the comma after 'I know' should be there but the comma after 'But' shouldn't be. (*It is wrong to put commas after coordinating conjunctions a.k.a. FANBOYS at the beginning of the sentence.)
- I don't get this line, but the 'bittersweet goodbye' sounds like a powerful ending. xD What I don't get is the 'one more period I will waste'. o.o
Nice poem, Sol.
Anyway, the topic is really relatable and 'interesting'. I've nothing much else to say but: I don't see the reason why the persona invited Procrastination into her 'home'. Is it just to 'confront' him and say what she feels? It's a little unclear. Also, I don't see the need to put a period there in the title.
Other than that, nice job.
AGGGGGGHHHHHHHH VAL STOP BEING SO GOOD! This piece is amazing!!!!!!!!! I love everything about it and it's just sooo, sooo, soooo.... i just can't find a better word then FREKAN AMAZING!!!!!! because that is basically what this is lol. <3 <3 <3 <3 val Keep up the good work!!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
I like this poem a lot!!! I think it is awesome and can definitely relate to it. There are no suggestions I have other than keep writing awesome poems like this!
GeeLyria,
I like how you have a conversation with your procrastination, that's a nice concept - however the meter/rhythm here is lacking. I just can't seem to be able to read this aloud without tripping up on some of the lines - so try reading it aloud yourself and see where you can fix the flow.
I like this stanza, because the images of the floating bottles stick out to me. You have various metaphors in this that work brilliantly individually, but when put together seems kind of jarring - almost like I'm jumping from one image to another without spending any time on a specific image I can immerse myself in.
Take your first stanza. You use "carpet" and "scene of crime" in about two lines.
The second stanza talks about a home with walls and curtains, but nothing specific about these walls or curtains, just a mention of them.
The third one has a rather brilliant line about night and sun.
The fourth stanza is just voice though. No images here.
The fifth one - the entire stanza's lines talk about the bottles. It's an interesting thing to think about because stanzas and lines - generally those things work together to come up with a pace for your poem. But it's not the only thing. Images and scenes also help the pace - and the pace for this just seems a little chaotic. We have a variety of images implemented in 6 stanzas of 4/5 varying lines. Structure is very important and I feel like while the concept is good, the structure needs to be worked on.
Keep writing and let me know if you have any questions!
~ as always, Audy
Ooh! That's really good!
The ironic thing about it is that I'm procrastinating by reading this in the first place.... >.<
Solly! <3
For me, this is definitely not your best yet and I really do know how far you can go. So push the envelope further, Solly and like with this poem, stretch your imagination to the highest peak. You'll never go wrong once you do that.
This piece is really amusing and gets me thinking creatively. I like how you've managed to personify Procrastination and its friends - Distraction and Irresponsibility, lol! The face to face conversation about the ways in which the narrator's life could improve without any help from procrastination has been really well portrayed. It's funny, but at the same time it turns on a serious topic as there are so many people who suffer from the dilemma of procrastinating.
The poem could use some brushing up as the previous reviewers have stated and I'm sure this can be an even better piece than it already is
So all in all, a nice little piece, both humorous and well narrated. Thanks for sharing, Gee! And like I always say, keep the ink flowing like you magnificently do! You are a great writer.
Murtuza
I really loved this because I think everyone can connect with the topic. You really grasped the topic and extended it to make us think more about procrastination.
Just be careful with grammar and spelling errors, as said by amygabb. But overall, excellent job!
So true!!! Love the topic of this poem! I thought it was really neat to present it like a conversation. One note: I would capitalize the "names" that you use. I think you should address him as Procrastination, the same goes for Temptation, Arrogance, and Irresponsibility.
)
There were 2 nitpicks I should point out. (And a punctuation thing, but feel free to ignore that.
I enjoyed that you ended it by saying that you will still procrastinate anyway. Thanks for sharing this!