Hey! All this started because I heard “Breakeven” by The Script on Valentine's Day and... I dunno what to say. xD Oh, yeah! Please review! Thanks!
The night before the calendar said 'fourteen',
Before the chocolates and red hearts-
When everything seemed perfect,
And, everything felt right-
I was wrapping my own organ in paper,
A gift from me to you-
Just when I finished, you called-
The heart was beating fast and the envelope broke-
You said you would meet me the next day-
You had something important to say-
We hang up with 'I love you's',
I'm wondering if you meant what you said-
So, I put a ribbon over my gift,
And, I wrote what the heart felt-
“Sincerely,” was one of the last words,
Spotted next to my name-
The next day I waited for hours,
The sun flew from side to side-
Your eyes were red, filled with water,
That I noticed when you finally arrived-
I couldn't understand it-
And, you hesitated to say,
“Sorry, I saw my ex on my way.”
Happy Valentine's Day!
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139,269 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Solbery! That didn't happen right?! I mean, I know it'd be odd if it were to refer to your boy and I don't think it does, but it doesn't refer to him, right? D:
Ooh! You got featured again! Yay! xD
Nitpicks:
- I think 'fourteen' should be in quotation marks or apostrophes.
- Same here: I think you should put 'I love you's' in quotation marks or apostrophes.
(I was supposed to have only two nitpicks, but I saw this part of Jash's nitpick and disagreed xD
- I think, you should just put a period after 'water' so that the succeeding line won't seem to refer to 'water'. Saying that, I think, you should just add periods to ends of the other lines to give balance.
I didn't suggest putting commas after line beginnings like 'So' and 'And' because I think, the poem was written casually. But, strictly speaking, I think there should be commas after those words.
About the other things, I'm sure the other reviewers (like Jash) mentioned them already. Honestly, I didn't mind/notice the other ones until I read Jash's review. XD
In conclusion: I like this poem.
Congratulations on being featured!
Once again Sol, you have blown my mind. I almost got bored with this because it was a cliche valentines. Did I mention I can't stand valentines? No? Well, I can't stand valentines. But because of our history I gave you the benifit of the doubt, and you pulled through. The suprise ending was all you needed to take this poem from good to great. As a poem and disregarding my obvious dislike for it at the begining, I loved your imagry. The part where the heart beat out of the envelope was just perfect. Applaud, good job, and farwell. Oh and happy valentines day.
awww...its so sweet.....I know just how it feels when that happens!! I hope it dint come out of a real experience because it is an experience that hurts a lot!!! but its still brilliant!!
Since you asked... =)) and since I'm in my reviewing mode.
Warning though, I can be a little harsh.*cracks knuckles*Hey, Sol, I'm here for a short review. OK, first are nitpicks:
>> In these two sentences, I'm not so sure about the articles. I think a possessive pronoun would be better.
>> I think the preposition should be on or around.
>> There should be a comma there. Why? Because without the comma, with careful reading, the line would be an adjective clause referring to the word water. That would be quite funny...
As to the structure of the poem, I wish it had rhyme. 'Cause we can see that some lines rhyme, most doesn't, and I was wishing for a rhythm to it that would be complemented with rhyming. It's just me though...
Another thought, the first stanza:
Seems like the thought here is - lacking. OK, maybe that's not the word. It's just, it feels like I was left hanging in there... Or does it connect to the next stanza? Maybe you should arrange the lines a bit.
But anyway, that's just meh...
For something that's not a nitpick now:
This line is cool. Though I have to admit, I had to read it twice before getting it.
KEEP WRITING!
~ Jash ♥
Ohhhhh sad face
That's pretty awesome,
I felt like I got slapped in the face when those last two lines hit.
I liked this even though the end was sad. Well worded and keep writing!
It's awesome. Worded and wrote beautifully. So sad though. STILL LOVED IT!!