Don't Rush My Youth

Hey there, Lyria! Lilymoore here as promised!

So, since this is chunked up much more cleanly into stanzas instead of that big messy paragraph, I think I’ll just take a look at each stanza.

Leave stubborness behind,
better open up your eyes.
Don't be afraid of the truth;
lies, as well, could eat you alive.

It could be a cultural difference or something along those lines (I’m not completely sure of British differences in spelling for instance) but at least in the states, stubbornness has two n’s. *I’m not usually a stickler for spelling but a friend of mine just chewed into me for misspelling it in a text.*

Otherwise, the only real issues I see with this stanza is that the transition from the first line down to the second line. “Better” sounds like such a clumsy word and something more simple like “and” might work best there. As well, “as well” sounds uncomfortable in the last line but you don’t really need it there. Otherwise, it’s a nice opening.

An egg won't crack before time,
and the moon won't skip a phase;
I won't open up for you,
because I'm not ready for it yet.

There isn’t much that I can say about this line but I think you’re missing an “its” after “before.” Other than that, but I love the imagery of the second line a lot but you leave a LOT of mystery hanging on the “it” of the last line.

Life is an edge over a boiling red sea,
my youth observes and trembles in fear.
Vapor passes me by,
and flies up to the atmosphere.

I’m really uncertain about this entire stanza. The wording of it seems very clumsy throughout so rather than just sit here and list all of the things, I guess I’ll just try to make this easier and, well, if I were you:
“Life teeters over a boiling red sea;
my youth observes and trembles in fear.
Vapors pass me by,
and fly up to the atmosphere.”

Step by step, thought by thought,
verse by verse, and show by show.
Calmed down, but never stuck,
never late, but never rushed.

I like a lot because it has sort of a nursery rhyme feel, at least in the last two lines. The only real issue I have at all with this is the fact that the first two lines feel very list-like and it definitely distracts from how wonderful I find the last two lines.

I don't want to be your object,
and I don't want to be your doll.
Are you going to make me pick,
between being myself or your love?

This stanza comes out of left field to me. Suddenly, the poem turns from fleeting youth to fleeting love. One thing I’ve learned from my favorite English professor (who actually just drove by my house like 15 minutes ago) is that I need to stop sitting on my porch and watching traffic but also that poems should have one main focus. Zone in on that one powerful topic and write about just that topic and nothing more. Straying will lose the loyalty of the reader.

Wait on me, or wave your hand,
but don't look back while I break down.
Your truth, my love, that, I will face,
but don't play my heart to please your games.

The same comes into play with this stanza. Honestly, I would have loved this poem far more if you had ended it after the fourth stanza.


All in all, this is a nice poem but, like I just said, I think cutting out the last two stanzas would make it stronger. Plus, it ends on that charming note that I loved about the last two lines of your fourth stanza.

Anyways, if you have any questions, feel free (even encouraged) to PM me or leave a note on my wall.

~lilymoore