I wrote this poem when I was twelve and it's in Spanish, and I was practicing to rhyme. The translation is on the "spoiler", I know it does not sound good, but remember I wrote it on Spanish first.
Spoiler! :
On a September night, I was on the balcony; watching the moon half empty smiling with pain. A shooting star that there appeared, in the palm of my hand chatterbox sat. ....and said "The moon smiles sad because one part is missing the part of his beloved that no longer writes her letters." Confused and desperate, I threw the star to the sea where she found a dolphin with whom she could talk.
"Hi! How are you? I fell in love with the moon, but she can't see me, because I don't have light and she'll never notice me. She doesn't know me and she will not, because when the sun comes she will hide fast.
And the star said: "Buddy, I can help you, if you carry me in your back she'll get to see you."
When they got to know each other, and they saw their differences the moon jumped in his arms with a strange innocence.
The dolphin fulfill his dreams, and the moon was full, the star went back to the sky, and wrote a poem.
Oh, my God! This sure sounds ridiculous in English. *Sol covers her face*
Una noche de septiembre, en el balcón estaba yo; mirando la Luna a medias sonriendo de dolor Una estrellita fugaz que por allí apareció, en la palma de mi mano parlanchina se posó. …. y me dijo: "La Luna sonríe triste, porque una parte le falta: la alegría de su amado que ya ni le escribe cartas." Confusa y desesperada yo arrojé la estrella al mar; donde se encontró un delfín con quien pudo conversar.
"Hola ¿Qué tal? Me enamoré de la Luna, mas ella a mi ni me ve, porque a mí la luz me falta y jamás la enamoraré. Ella aún no me conoce, ni me ha de conocer porque cuando el Sol llegue rápido se irá a esconder."
...y la estrella le dijo... "Amigo, yo te podré ayudar si me pones en tu espalda Ella te podrá apreciar."
Después de conocerse y saber sus diferencias, la Luna saltó en sus brazos con una extraña inocencia.
El delfín cumplió su sueño; y la Luna estaba llena. La estrella se volvió al cielo y allí escribió un poema.
I loved this poem. I'm learning Spanish at the moment and was basically over the moon when I realised I was able to understand some bits of it. It was a really cute poem though! So sweet! I'm twelve now and I would've been proud if I had written this poem. And it doesn't sound any worse in English, trust me. It's just as wonderful.
Hi, I know this poem was posted quite a while ago but I stumbled across it and just HAD to comment! I ADORE this poem it's the cutest thing ever and makes me glad I know spanish ~Megan
Well, well, well, it seems you were quite talented when you were 12, assuming you've gotten better since then, you've gotta be a hell of a poet now. I read the rough translation in English and it was a good idea, but reading it in Spanish was outstanding, it was very creative, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Keep Writing!
Omygosh Solvy this poem is not ridiculous! I love it so much it's probably my favourite! I wish I was that talented when I was younger. On a September night, I was on the balcony; watching the moon half empty smiling with pain. A shooting star that there appeared, in the palm of my hand chatterbox sat. ....and said "The moon smiles sad because one part is missing the part of his beloved that no longer writes her letters." Confused and desperate, I threw the star to the sea where she found a dolphin with whom she could talk. "Hi! How are you? I fell in love with the moon, but she can't see me, because I don't have light and she'll never notice me. She doesn't know me and she will not, because when the sun comes she will hide fast. And the star said:"Buddy, I can help you, if you carry me in your back she'll get to see you. "When they got to know each other ,and they saw their differences the moon jumped in his arms with a strange innocence. The dolphin fulfill(ed) his dreams, and the moon was full, the star went back to the sky, and wrote a poem.
I thought at first that I'd critique it in Spanish, but I won't for a couple of reasons: my Spanish is not advanced enough, vocabulary-wise, to articulate my thoughts as clearly as I would wish, and secondly because it was written when you were much younger, so any points I'd make would be ill-suited to the innocence with which the poem is clearly told.
So, yes, like Firestarter, I will simply lend you some thoughts - my first being to ask if you usually write in Spanish (and if so, whether you might PM me some more recent poems!). Also, having read Neruda in Spanish, I disagree that English translations do him much justice; I think the Spanish language just has such a fluidity, such a wet-rolling beauty to it that dry, dusty English just does not adequately capture. Basically? I liked this poem much better in Spanish. Of course, that may in part be due to my infamiliarity with the language that makes even the most mundane of analogies seem wondrous, simply because I have never seen them written that way before, added to the fact that the rhyme simply does not work in English and the enjambment seems a tad off (well, that is, when compared to the original).
Despite its blatant simplicity, there was something very sweet about the last image; more so since it was written when younger (or at least, the narration quite obviously shows that) and has this free-banner, runaway kind of free-footed innocence to it.
hola yo hablo muy bien el espanol, pero soy malisima en escribiendo ^^ I liked your poem very much, its very charming and well written. i caught myself smiling at some of the parts. over all its very cute.
I think this poem is very cute, as it is sing-song like in spanish. I like the first stanza very much, but it might just be a personal peave of mine, the in text conversations. The last two stanzas are very good as well. I think you should continue, as I believe can you write some profound spanish pieces. Bien trabajo!
Although I don't speak Spanish (I'm taking my first course of it in the fall), and I'm sure it sounds lovely in the original version, I thought it sounded just fine in English. It sort of sounded like something from Greek mythology. It was very interesting and I look forward to reading more of your work!
StoryWeaver13 wrote:Actually, as for the English version, I've seen worse on the site that WEREN'T translated from Spanish. My (very) limited knowledge of Spanish helped to translate for the most part, but reading over the English first made me like the Spanish more because I didn't have to concentrate on the translation. The Spanish language is so beautiful though, and this is a cute poem that was very unique, sweet and innocent. Keep writing, StoryWeaver
Actually, as for the English version, I've seen worse on the site that WEREN'T translated from Spanish. My (very) limited knowledge of Spanish helped to translate for the most part, but reading over the English first made me like the Spanish more because I didn't have to concentrate on the translation. The Spanish language is so beautiful though, and this is a cute poem that was very unique, sweet and innocent. Keep writing, StoryWeaver
ladypurple wrote:Well it was good for a poem that you wrote back when you were twelve. Mine would've sucked back then. I like it a lot. Even if it might seem a little rough. But I wish I could've understood the spanish I really would like to learn spanish one day. Well anyway, (getting off topic here ) I think it's cute. I hope you post more stuff later I'd like to read it. ~Ladypurple
Well it was good for a poem that you wrote back when you were twelve. Mine would've sucked back then. I like it a lot. Even if it might seem a little rough. But I wish I could've understood the spanish I really would like to learn spanish one day. Well anyway, (getting off topic here ) I think it's cute. I hope you post more stuff later I'd like to read it. ~Ladypurple
Well, I can't really critique the English because that's not really the poem, and I can't speak Spanish so I can't help you much there. The reason I'm commenting is mainly just to say your poem sounds amazing in my head (I love the Spanish language) and limiting as the concept appears to be it still looks pretty cool written down. Nonetheless, I do have to say, poetry can be a universal language and I'm not sure this comes across brilliantly in English. Pablo Neruda's poetry is fabulous in both Spanish and English (perhaps courtesy of talented translators) and that's something to think about.
Well, I can't really critique the English because that's not really the poem, and I can't speak Spanish so I can't help you much there. The reason I'm commenting is mainly just to say your poem sounds amazing in my head (I love the Spanish language) and limiting as the concept appears to be it still looks pretty cool written down. Nonetheless, I do have to say, poetry can be a universal language and I'm not sure this comes across brilliantly in English. Pablo Neruda's poetry is fabulous in both Spanish and English (perhaps courtesy of talented translators) and that's something to think about.
Hello this is cardDragon, though I speak little Spanish, but the computer doesn't. It is a good poem but a bit confusing. It says in ruff English translation:
One night in September, I was on the balcony; Half Moon watching pain smile A shooting star that there appeared in the palm of my hand chatterbox settled. .... and said "The moon smiles sad because a part is missing: the joy of his beloved that no longer writes letters. " Confused and desperate I threw the star of the sea; where he found a dolphin with whom he could talk.
"Hi How are you? I fell in love with the Moon but she to me or seen me me because I lack the light and never fall in love. She still does not know me nor do I have to know because when the sun comes fast it will go to hide. "
... And the star told ... "Dude, I'll be able to help if you put me on your back She will appreciate you. "
After meeting and know their differences, Moon jumped in his arms with a strange innocence.
The dolphin fulfilled his dream; and the moon was full. The star returned to heaven and there he wrote a poem.
Hi Solvery! I know this poem would only rhyme and flow well in Spanish, but do you mind translating it to English, too? I am okay at Spanish -- I know the poem is about a little star landing in your hand and speaking to you, and the moon is smiling sadly for some reason. You were confused and desperate, so you threw the star into the ocean, where it met a dolphin who has fallen in love with the moon. But you see, English being my first language, it would be practically impossible for me to critique your poem down to the finest descriptions. Hopefully, someone who knows Spanish as well as you do, or knows it as a first language, can read over this for you.
I'll say something in Spanish; tell me if it's correct:
Comprende espanol minimo. Mi idioma materna es ingles; por favor pardon todos errores de la grammatica. iHasta la vista!
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Hi Gee!
I loved this poem. I'm learning Spanish at the moment and was basically over the moon when I realised I was able to understand some bits of it. It was a really cute poem though! So sweet! I'm twelve now and I would've been proud if I had written this poem. And it doesn't sound any worse in English, trust me. It's just as wonderful.
Deanie x
Hi, I know this poem was posted quite a while ago but I stumbled across it and just HAD to comment! I ADORE this poem it's the cutest thing ever and makes me glad I know spanish
~Megan
Well, well, well, it seems you were quite talented when you were 12, assuming you've gotten better since then, you've gotta be a hell of a poet now. I read the rough translation in English and it was a good idea, but reading it in Spanish was outstanding, it was very creative, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Keep Writing!
Omygosh Solvy this poem is not ridiculous! I love it so much it's probably my favourite! I wish I was that talented when I was younger.
On a September night,
I was on the balcony;
watching the moon half empty
smiling with pain.
A shooting star
that there appeared,
in the palm of my hand
chatterbox sat.
....and said
"The moon smiles sad
because one part is missing
the part of his beloved
that no longer writes her letters."
Confused and desperate,
I threw the star to the sea
where she found a dolphin
with whom she could talk.
"Hi! How are you?
I fell in love with the moon,
but she can't see me,
because I don't have light
and she'll never notice me.
She doesn't know me
and she will not,
because when the sun comes
she will hide fast.
And the star said:"Buddy, I can help you,
if you carry me in your back
she'll get to see you.
"When they got to know each other
,and they saw their differences
the moon jumped in his arms
with a strange innocence.
The dolphin fulfill(ed) his dreams,
and the moon was full,
the star went back to the sky,
and wrote a poem.
Hey Solvalery -
I thought at first that I'd critique it in Spanish, but I won't for a couple of reasons: my Spanish is not advanced enough, vocabulary-wise, to articulate my thoughts as clearly as I would wish, and secondly because it was written when you were much younger, so any points I'd make would be ill-suited to the innocence with which the poem is clearly told.
So, yes, like Firestarter, I will simply lend you some thoughts - my first being to ask if you usually write in Spanish (and if so, whether you might PM me some more recent poems!). Also, having read Neruda in Spanish, I disagree that English translations do him much justice; I think the Spanish language just has such a fluidity, such a wet-rolling beauty to it that dry, dusty English just does not adequately capture. Basically? I liked this poem much better in Spanish. Of course, that may in part be due to my infamiliarity with the language that makes even the most mundane of analogies seem wondrous, simply because I have never seen them written that way before, added to the fact that the rhyme simply does not work in English and the enjambment seems a tad off (well, that is, when compared to the original).
Despite its blatant simplicity, there was something very sweet about the last image; more so since it was written when younger (or at least, the narration quite obviously shows that) and has this free-banner, runaway kind of free-footed innocence to it.
Thanks for the read.
Navi
HAHA. I enjoyed reading it in Spanish, although I understand only a bit of it. (just a little bit, since they're a little similar to our language)
The english translation sure is weird when you read it, but it's CUTE. XD
-KAT <3
hola yo hablo muy bien el espanol, pero soy malisima en escribiendo ^^
I liked your poem very much, its very charming and well written.
i caught myself smiling at some of the parts.
over all its very cute.
Gracias, Becca!
I think this poem is very cute, as it is sing-song like in spanish. I like the first stanza very much, but it might just be a personal peave of mine, the in text conversations. The last two stanzas are very good as well.
I think you should continue, as I believe can you write some profound spanish pieces. Bien trabajo!
Yes, thanks! But I don't consider this 'Greek mythology'... I made it more like a tale.
Although I don't speak Spanish (I'm taking my first course of it in the fall), and I'm sure it sounds lovely in the original version, I thought it sounded just fine in English. It sort of sounded like something from Greek mythology. It was very interesting and I look forward to reading more of your work!
Good job and keep writing!
Thanks!
Actually, as for the English version, I've seen worse on the site that WEREN'T translated from Spanish. My (very) limited knowledge of Spanish helped to translate for the most part, but reading over the English first made me like the Spanish more because I didn't have to concentrate on the translation. The Spanish language is so beautiful though, and this is a cute poem that was very unique, sweet and innocent.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
It does sound kjinda funny in english... *giggles*
Aww... Thanks Lady!
Well it was good for a poem that you wrote back when you were twelve. Mine would've sucked back then. I like it a lot. Even if it might seem a little rough. But I wish I could've understood the spanish I really would like to learn spanish one day. Well anyway, (getting off topic here
) I think it's cute. I hope you post more stuff later I'd like to read it.
~Ladypurple
You're right, Jack! Thanks for the review!
Hey Solv,
Well, I can't really critique the English because that's not really the poem, and I can't speak Spanish so I can't help you much there. The reason I'm commenting is mainly just to say your poem sounds amazing in my head (I love the Spanish language) and limiting as the concept appears to be it still looks pretty cool written down. Nonetheless, I do have to say, poetry can be a universal language and I'm not sure this comes across brilliantly in English. Pablo Neruda's poetry is fabulous in both Spanish and English (perhaps courtesy of talented translators) and that's something to think about.
Gracias, Liby!
Lol cutee
Hello this is cardDragon, though I speak little Spanish, but the computer doesn't. It is a good poem but a bit confusing.
It says in ruff English translation:
Hi Solvery! I know this poem would only rhyme and flow well in Spanish, but do you mind translating it to English, too? I am okay at Spanish -- I know the poem is about a little star landing in your hand and speaking to you, and the moon is smiling sadly for some reason. You were confused and desperate, so you threw the star into the ocean, where it met a dolphin who has fallen in love with the moon. But you see, English being my first language, it would be practically impossible for me to critique your poem down to the finest descriptions. Hopefully, someone who knows Spanish as well as you do, or knows it as a first language, can read over this for you.
I'll say something in Spanish; tell me if it's correct:
Comprende espanol minimo. Mi idioma materna es ingles; por favor pardon todos errores de la grammatica. iHasta la vista!