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Not All Dreams Come True

by Biluata


When I rise,
I fall.

My feet twist underneath me,
arms flailing-
as I stutter to an awkward stop.

But there's such a beauty in the motion,
losing myself in the rhythm
of music
and my pulse
roaring in my ears.

It's such a marvel-
the way dancers show
emotion
through their body
and I want to speak their language.

I want to dance so badly
it hurts.

But my body
feels foreign
and stiff
and unyielding.

When I rise
I fall-
amid the sounds of laughter
and joking nudges,
murmurs of
poor girl -
she's so clumsy.

So I'm left
with nothing
but a burning jealousy
for those who can dance-
and a passion
that I can't
extinguish. 


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546 Reviews


Points: 29742
Reviews: 546

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Mon Oct 30, 2017 12:06 am
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hi there, MJ stopping by for a (pitiful attempt at a) poetry review! I'm a bit out of my element here, so I apologize in advance for my ramblings and if I confuse you more than I help you. I'll do my best to give you some other help.

as I stutter to an awkward stop.
Stutter doesn't seem like the most powerful word here. When I think of 'stuttering', I think of pausing and jostling a little bit, but not completely stopping. Maybe a more forceful verb like "jolt" would serve you better.

But my body
feels foreign
and stiff
and unyielding
This is more of an iffy point, but I would put commas in after 'foreign' and 'stiff' to notate a pause. I think that it would sound a little bit smoother if there was an emphatic pause there, but that might be personal preference.

murmurs of
poor girl -
she's so clumsy.
"Poor girl- she's so clumsy" should have quotation marks around it like so. (see what I did there)

My biggest critique here would be that the beginning seems to have more of a metaphor about life, and it doesn't seem to be consistent with the theme of the poem. "When I rise, I fall" is pretty ambiguous, and dare I even say "cliche" because of how often it is used to describe somebody who tries hard at some sort of unmentioned task but cannot succeed.

The repetition of that line also kinda threw me, and unless you had a very specific purpose for that and it was a very stylistic thing that I just lack the capacity to understand, I would consider redoing that. I think it would be a nice touch if you were to make the first line more of a theme throughout, but it's also fine if you wanted to take that out so you follow the 4-line pattern.

Hopefully my review was helpful, and I apologize since most of what I said was probably just personal preference, but hopefully there were a few little tidbits in here that were helpful. Let me know if you need any clarifications, and I'd be happy to help!

Best wishes & happy Review Day,
MJ




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206 Reviews


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Wed Oct 18, 2017 8:43 pm
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa! So, let’s get started. :D
So, I did not notice any spelling or grammar mistakes which is great! Others might though! The flow was pretty good for the most part and the metaphors and similes alike were well used for this poem. Otherwise, nothing much to say on that part.
Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can get it’s meaning right! In your poem you are talking about how you wish you could bend and twist and twirl your body like the way others do. But you know you are so clumsy, they tease you for it. You just wish you had an ounce of their elegance, their grace. You know your clumsy and you feel ashamed for it. All you can feel is jealousy for the ones who can dance and it ignore the burning want to be able to do it to.
Otherwise I have nothing more to say and I really liked the poem! Happy halloween! I really should go now, Grim has some dead to help and I ran out of hot cocoa for him.




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319 Reviews


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Wed Oct 18, 2017 3:22 am
Jashael wrote a review...



Hey, Biluata!

Some fine poem you got there. One of my favorite parts was when you repeated the first line to be elaborated a few stanzas later.

The parts starting with "but" are also pretty neat; the alternating of sad images to happy images, then happy images to sad images.

In fact, I enjoyed the whole poem; the message is clear. I see myself as the narrator. I feel his/her pain - and somehow can relate to it in my own life, which I believe is a good thing when it comes to poetry.

Keep writing!

Jash x




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Wed Oct 18, 2017 12:38 am
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Biluata! Again! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
When I rise,
I fall.

My feet twist underneath me,
arms flailing{ }-
as I stutter to an awkward stop.

But there's such a beauty in the motion,
losing myself in the rhythm
of music
and my pulse
roaring in my ears.

It's such a marvel{ }-
the way dancers show
emotion
through their body
and I want to speak their language.

I want to dance so badly
it hurts.

But my body
feels foreign
and stiff
and unyielding.

When I rise
I fall{ }-
amid the sounds of laughter
and joking nudges,
murmurs of
{"}poor girl -
she's so clumsy.{"}

So I'm left
with nothing
but a burning jealousy
for those who can dance{ }-
and a passion
that I can't
extinguish.


Great poem about dancing. I'm a dancer myself, and I have had those moments where I feel like I can't dance. Good imagery, flow, etc. overall. Great job.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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