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For You and Your Hatred (A Song of Forgiveness)

by Biluata


Shatter; slivers of broken glass
the desperate sip from the ice cold flask
and we both knew this feeling- it just couldn’t last
because of the shattered mask of your past
and though of my story you never did ask
I came from the stars and the moon and the sky
and I find when I’m dying I finally fly.

We played with the shards and our fingers, they bled-
Onto the cards where our fates, they were read
and you were your own and unto yourself –
so my feelings were locked away on a shelf
that was dusty and worn from years of disuse
and my heart dangled from its thrice folded noose
between the cage of my ribs and the pulse of my blood
and the dry of the tide and the song of the flood
and the beauty in chaos and the stars in the sky
and only when I’m dying do I finally fly.

We shout in vain at the man on the moon
our hysteria harmony to a sweet little tune
of death and despair and the pain here on earth
while we wait and we wish for our first second birth
but there’s no solace to be found in a man in the sky
yet still when I’m dying, I finally fly.

I fly, I fly- I swear that I do
I closed my eyes and thought happy thoughts
and then suddenly, I flew.

But if flying is like dying and the waning moon draws thin
and this flying is not flying, but instead drowning in my sin
then what am I to do with my filth coated wings
when I was only searching for that little bird that sings
because I wanted to ask its secret- the message in the song
that is sings without ceasing, in the darkness, all night long-
for I had found comfort in that sweet little sound
and I wanted to be grounded in the steadiness of the ground
but a different song still called to me, the lilting of the sky
and I found that though I fought it, when I was dying
I could fly.


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364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

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Sat Oct 28, 2017 5:00 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Biluata! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at lyrics but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
Shatter; slivers of broken glass
the desperate sip from the ice cold flask
and we both knew this feeling{ - }it just couldn’t last
because of the shattered mask of your past
and though of my story you never did ask
I came from the stars and the moon and the sky
and I find when I’m dying {do} I finally fly.

We played with the shards and our fingers, they bled{ - }
Onto the cards where our fates, they were read
and you were your own and unto yourself –
so my feelings were locked away on a shelf {Not the strongest line in the world}[/b]
that was dusty and worn from years of disuse
and my heart dangled from its thrice folded noose
between the cage of my ribs and the pulse of my blood
and the dry of the tide and the song of the flood
and the beauty in chaos and the stars in the sky
and only when I’m dying{,} do I finally fly.

We shout in vain at the man on the moon
our hysteria harmony to a sweet little tune
of death and despair and the pain here on earth
while we wait and we wish for our first second birth
but there’s no solace to be found in a man in the sky
yet still when I’m dying, {do} I finally fly.

I fly, I fly{ - }I swear that I do
I closed my eyes and thought happy thoughts [I]{What does this rhyme with?}

and then suddenly, I flew.

But if flying is like dying and the waning moon draws thin
and this flying is not flying, but instead drowning in my sin
then what am I to do with my filth coated wings
when I was only searching for that little bird that sings
because I wanted to ask its secret{ - }the message in the song
that is sings without ceasing, in the darkness, all night long{ - }
for I had found comfort in that sweet little sound
and I wanted to be grounded in the steadiness of the ground
but a different song still called to me, the lilting of the sky
and I found that though I fought it, when I was dying
I could fly.


Oh, dang, this is beautiful. I love it so much!! Totally deserves the like.

With that aside, some of the lines aren't your strongest in the world. I feel like they were just put there for the rhyme and not for the benefit of the song. Still, your song is powerful. Imagery and everything else other than grammar is professional and just plain used amazingly.

However, you do have trouble with dashes. Here's an article to help you with those: Em dashes. Please note that if you use em dashes on YWS that you put a space before and after it.

Good job and keep up the great work :D

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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841 Reviews


Points: 664
Reviews: 841

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Fri Oct 27, 2017 3:53 am
Radrook wrote a review...



The first three stanzas really need no further additions or explanations. If it were my poem I would stop there. The inclusion of stanzas 3 and 4 are unnecessary and come across as off rhythm and forced.





“Writing fiction is the act of weaving a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth.”
— Khalid Hosseini, Author