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Where The Angels Can Gape

by GeeLyria

Penguin told me to post this! xD This is the first poem I've written... that rhymes (well, I think it does. o.O). Yup. Tear it appart if you want. 

The cover of this book belongs to Adam and Eve,
And ever since then we're condemned to malice. 
This title exists due to temptations and lies,
And yet, desperation scrags me before your innocuous eyes.
The cradle, the blanket, the pastel colors will dissipate,
And these words will be feckless, for they only anticipate.
Pluck out my eyes! I don't want to see you grow.
Rend my heart! For no one will accept an escrow.
I yearn to shelter you, but I'm no exception in this derangement.
And if I was, in a box of foulness, I would only be a concealed scent. 
Learn how to live, but I implore, don't let your beauty escape.
Be blind to debris; paint a page where the angels can gape.

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825 Reviews

Points: 28951
Reviews: 825

Mon Feb 04, 2013 7:53 am
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Morrigan wrote a review...

Hi there, Gee.

That last stanza is so beautiful that I had to say something about it at the beginning of the review. My, oh, my.

This poem is about innocence, yes? It's lovely. The rhyme scheme isn't too distracting, and your words create a lovely soup (soup is delicious, especially this soup).

That being said, there are a few things I'd like to address in this poem.

The cover of this book belongs to Adam and Eve,
And ever since then we're condemned to malice.

If you're going to use an AABB rhyme scheme throughout the poem, I suggest you don't start by breaking the rule. Malice and Eve definitely don't rhyme. I would feel more comfortable with you not rhyming in a later stanza, but you should be establishing the pattern of the poem in the beginning.

These pages' title exists due to temptations and lies,

The first two words trip me up. Perhaps rearrange the words in this line so the first two words aren't so clumsy sounding? Try "The title exists due to temptations and lies." It's a little shorter, but we know about the book from before. You don't need to have "These pages" in there.

And yet, desperation scrags me before your innocuous eyes.

"Scrags" doesn't feel right here. It sticks out of the line.

Rend my heart! For no one will accept an escrow.

this is the only visible forced rhyme in the whole poem. "Escrow" doesn't fit here at all. It only exists to complete the rhyme. If you broke the rhyme scheme, perhaps it would be refreshing here.

That last stanza is so good. I love it. If it has flaws, I am blind to them in it's beautiful imagery.

Altogether, this is really good. It stays focused on one idea, and I am just blown away by some of the words you put together. Excellent.

I hope this review was helpful. Happy poeting!

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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Mon Feb 04, 2013 2:48 am
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dogs wrote a review...

HELLOO VAL! Dogs here with your review of the day :). Alrighty new style of poetry! Woo hooo! Before I even go on about your poem... may I just say that your magnificent use of vocab is always astoundingly jaw dropping. It's amazing how you can write such amazing poetry in two different languages. I cannot be more impressed with you every time I read you work. So to even find anything wrong I gotta be suppperr nit picky. :)

Ok so the only problem you run into with your rhyming poetry is that your lines are so long that you loose the rhyming rhythm that your creating. Rhyming poetry is most effective in shorter and sweater lines. So in that regard you're not quite using rhyming as effectively as you could be.

I love the last line of the 1st stanza: "desperation scrags me before your innocuous eyes" wonderful just wonderful word choice and description. Absolutely nothing bad to say about that.

Ok so in the second stanza you say that "this words will be feckless" I think you had a slight typo there and I'm not sure what you're trying to insinuate. Are you trying to say "these words" or this world" because tenses are little off in that line.

Ok I'm not sure that I understand the last two lines of the second stanza, that isn't quite clear. Who is talking and why?

Looovvee the first line of the 3rd stanza. Although when you say "in a box of reek" that sounds a tad bit awkward.

Other then those tiny wini little nit picks I think this is a fabulous piece and I absolutely loovvee it. Only a few tiny touch ups for you Val and you'll be on the right track. Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

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890 Reviews

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Mon Feb 04, 2013 2:31 am
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PenguinAttack wrote a review...

Hi Prettyface!

Thanks for posting this, I prefer getting a look at poems in the crisp space of the page, there's something different in reading it here to a pad. Maybe I just take it more seriously, more critically. Hopefully I won't be too critical!

So I love how this begins, but you lose it almost immediately in the third line, "these pages'" is for some reason too confusing for me. I want to read it as "This page's" - and I did for both times I read the poem until I started writing a critique! Consider the change, I don't think it would ruin what you're saying at all. Following that, the fourth line has too many words! I love innocuous and desperation but scags is really out of place. I don't want to lose it because it's a nice, rough word and it sets off the stanza, but it's also what I keep coming to as out of place. I don't know what you'd use otherwise, but you might have to lose "innocuous" cause it'll just be too long. polysyllabic words are difficult to manage in poems and you have to be careful otherwise they overwhelm what you're doing.

You have "and this words" in the second line of your second stanza and that doesn't make sense at all. I am digging your rhyme so far but I am feeling that it is a bit forced, though I lovelovelove the italics!

"in a box of reek"? ew no. No. I know what you're saying because of the scent after but I think you should chuck the reek bit entirely, it just isn't working. Use the scent anyway, people know it as a smooth, pleasant scent and your narrator can be that still, in the world's derangement.

Mur, it ends smoothly but with a little bit of an anticlimax, the second last line is what is losing it for me. Something in it is just... dull? "learn how to live" I think is what is pulling it down. There just isn't enough to push the line into the next. I like the beauty moving to the debris and paint, but we're still distracted by the line before it. Consider altering the learn how to live to something like "we all live to excess, but you don't let the beauty escape"? it might alter the meaning a little but it gives a smoother transition to the line after. Also lose some of those periods for a comma or something, far too static!

I like this though, it's soft and sweet and I have no idea about rhyme except I do feel it's a bit forced here. Try rhyming with assonance instead? I don't know. xD Thank you again for posting it!

~ <3

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1313 Reviews

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Reviews: 1313

Mon Feb 04, 2013 2:30 am
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Hannah wrote a review...

Gee, Solvy! A lot of this is very powerful, and that's awesome!

But you had me screaming noooooo when you wrote this:

Rend my heart! For no one will accept an escrow.

Epitome of forced rhymes right there. I think that if you have to use a rhyme dictionary while writing a poem and not as research before hand (to widen your vocabulary), that can signal the downfall of the rhyming. It seemed like that's what you were doing with many of these lines. Let me tell you where your poem is clear and free of rhyme-force:

The cover of this book belongs to Adam and Eve,
And ever since then we're condemned to malice.

The cradle, the blanket, the pastel colors will dissipate,

Be blind to debris; paint a page where the angels can gape.

Like, I am so impressed with the language contained within these four lines! But, whether I'm put off from the meaning because I'm distracted by the forced lies, or whatever other reason it might be, I am willing to let all other lines go to oblivion in favor of a rewrite. I'm serious!

If that offends you, that's good. Consider trashing the other lines, and then you can figure out which of them you really WANT to save, and which of them you kind of just added in because of the rhyme.

For me, the best rhyme is the accidental rhyme. That embodies the easiness of master poets, the subtlety of their rhymes. They don't force it. They're not Dr. Seuss. You have to write as quietly as they do. Quietly in terms of not announcing your rhymes, but letting it flow through the audience as part of the meter, the poem.

Really, though. What do you want to keep from this? Take that, and mold something new. If you really want to rhyme, I suggest paging through a rhyme dictionary before hand, soaking yourself in all possible words. Maybe some lines will come to you while you work through, and you won't just have to pick a word from the ones it offers to work into your poem.

That's my advice. I really hope it's helpful. I am in love with the four lines you wove out of genuine feeling. They are full of image, texture, and meaning. Keep with those instincts. Don't let rhyme rule you.

PM me if you have questions, please.

Good luck and keep writing!

You are strong enough to conquer this day and the rest of your life.
— Tuckster