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139,618 Literary Works • 672,630 Reviews
Hey Hero, Black here for a quick review!
Okay! So this was great! It had a lot of power-meat to it that I really appreciated. It was just chocked full of information and ideas and thoughts . . . so much I'm just WOW. Your pacing is really neat, and your wording and imagery are both quite exquisite, if I do say so myself! Great job!
However I did, unfortunately, find a number of small and major problems. First, and foremost: Your theme is unclear, and seems to bounce all over the place. Second, you use absolutely no punctuation (note: poetry needs punctuation like all writing -punctuation shows where to slow down, where to pause, and where to phase off . . . you need it: ALWAYS). And finally (for what I'm going to point out), your flow is simply horrible (usually I use rhyming to keep my flow going, but even though you don't have a style like mine, your flow is miserable -sorry).
So first off I'm going to be going into your punctuation problem. Note here and now though: It's up to you to sit down and do the hard work of actually revising, and solving your problem! Do me, and yourself, a favour, and do so! Okay, so to the problem: Poetry needs punctuation. Punctuation, as I noted, shows how to read a piece. Without it, technically speaking, said piece should just be read 'blahblahblahblah', with no stops, pauses, or slowing down. See how that wouldn't work?
Here are two prime examples of where you need punctuation (horribly), but don't use it. I've put in some fixes for you too. (Note: If you don't know what punctuation to use, PM me about it, I'd be glad to follow up on it!).
Oookay. So I'm just going to say, right now, that if I read this without putting in mental punctuation of my own, then it sounds simply horrible. First off: This is a very jerky way to start a poem. “but's” never help if you want a smooth start. Okay, you need comma's after your 'last', 'made', last 'that', and 'anything'. You need a period after 'faith', 'are all I have', 'change'. You could use a semi-colon and colon after 'enough' and 'fades', respectively. Meh. Put that punctuation in, then read it aloud to yourself. Does it sound better?
Okay, again, note what I told in in my previous paragraph. This lack of punctuation is killing your flow as well! Here are my fixes! Enjoy and try them out: Commas after 'answer' (Note: You could use to turn 'Trueness or reality is' to 'Truth and reality are', and modify their appropriate sub-lines -it'll help your flow and theme a LOT), 'proven', 'return', and 'turning'. An exclamation mark after 'be' wouldn't hurt. Period after 'me' and 'burn'. Remember to try them out! If you don't like my style then don't use it, just modify your own to fit in a bit of punctuation. Thar we go! That's it for the punctuation. I hope my point is made!
Okay, for your pacing problemabob. What I don't like about it is that I feel like this piece is just a paragraph cut up into stanza's. >> I know, I know: It isn't, but what with no rhyming, your punctuation, and your style . . . it sounds like it. And that's NOT a good thing. Poetry should FLOW. If it doesn't flow then it reads jerky, is hard to understand, and isn't real poetry. I, drawing from my style, would suggest you to use some rhyming (but that's biased). If you fix the punctuation then your wording could kick in and start helping. I advise you to just use some minimal rhyming for now (not-biased me talking). Just try a bit of it, then read it to yourself. Get a few test readers. Find out if it works! I think it will!
Okay, for your theme: Allright, because I think you've been around on God Has More Followers, and because of this stanza:
I'll say that this poem is Christian based (theme-wise). I mean, this stanza has some powerful Christian MP's in it (nicely put too -love the wording a LOT!). But just a few lines after this (at the END especially), I'm not quite so sure any more.
This here has a lot of negative christian points in it. Weak spots for us guys, you might say. What are you saying here? Okay, yeah, you CAN be unclear if you want to be, but I advise you to watch yourself. There is a point where you can be TOO unclear. And you're close to that. I advise you to define, more carefully, your theme. DO IT! It's a HUGE problem right now. Better write it wrong than be misunderstood!
Anyway, this was a great piece! You need to work on that punctuation, theme, and flow, but overall: GREAT WORK! I really am in love with your mega-awesome style. It never gets old and NEVER will! Make sure you keep it up! I'm really enjoying it! Remember: KEEP WRITING!
P.s. If you wanna follow up on this review then do so via PM please! Thanks! Also, if you wanna be really nice then drop by my profile (or PM button) for a review of this review. Tell me what you thought. Did this review help? Could you possibly rate it for me (on a scale of one to twenty), considering what you expected, wanted, and got. Double thanks if you do!
~Black~
As requested, here is your review. Sorry for the lateness, my internet was down all weekend.
After reading your poem, I found it to be well written with a good flow to it. The poem was easy to read and no grammatical errors came to my attention.
Now to the content
I found this to be very interesting about the views of an atheist scientist. I myself have a great respect for science and have many close friends who are atheist so his hits close to home. I thought it was interesting how the person talks about being sent to hell for his beliefs and then repenting. I agree with what you're saying about God condemning people for not believing in him; I had a fight with someone about religion and that was their main argument about the need for going to church. I really liked the point you were making and felt it was portrayed well. I did not particularly like the second to last stanza about coloring books. I had to think about what you meant by it for a few minutes and with a little rewriting, the point could be shown better. Overall, a good poem about a hot topic. Good work
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First of all, I am first and formost a scientist. And while I believe that there is a God, it does not affect my scientific mind. I think that we still should seek to answer every question out there with science, but so far we have not proven or disproven the existance of a God. When and if that point comes, I will believe in what the data shows. In fact, there have even been episodes of Through The Wormhole that had to deal with where we go after we die. Also, I am not saying that I know there is a God, I just find it hard not to believe it. Besides, is Atheism supported by evidence? No, it is supported by lack thereof.
You can't disprove a negative. Atheism doesn't need any support of evidence because it is a passive stance that you take while waiting for the evidence to arrive, which is pointless since God is made to be unfalsifiable.
The reason why there are no evidence for or against God is because he simply doesn't exist. Like I said, the idea of a God and religious superstition fades along the border of our atmosphere.
But the matter of fact is that no matter how far science comes in unravel about the Universe, people will always make room for the possibility of a God. Because in the shadow of the unknown will be the believers perpetual excuse to withhold faith in that which is fundamentally unfalsifiable.
Faith in God is pointless outside of your own conscious.
"The reason why there IS no evidence..."
"But the matter of fact is that no matter how far science comes in unravelling the Universe..."
I should really learn how to spell check my comments. My apologies.
I think that there is, but that's it. I just believe it. I find it hard to operate on the opposite assumption. If there is certifiable data that shows why the big bang happened and how it happened in a universe without time, then I would renounce my faith, if you could come up with a scientific, non-supernatural hypothesis. I'm open to change, if you give me a good reason, other than just, 'there is no God.' I have to have evidence to change my views.
"Claims and ideas that are not supported by evidence can be dismissed without evidence." - Christopher Hitchens.
Blind faith, separated from critical thinking, is not a virtue - it's intellectual poison.
I find this poem very interesting. For a while, I myself was a self-proclaimed Atheist. However, you are also insinuating that ALL scientists are Athiest, which is not true. Honestly, even the big bang shows some indication that there may be a God. I mean, it's almost like 'there was nothing, and then there was light.' And as far as the line 'evolution is happening!', not all religous people don't believe in evolution. For example, like in the bible, when God chose to not control us (not saying this is 100% accurate, just using it as an example) maybe that included having mutations that would allow for unguided change. Not trying to convert you, just trying to say that not everyone that is religous is bad or doesn't believe in science. I believe evolution could just be the how, not the why. Also, in the line 'only MY work can have flaws', I KNOW for a fact that God makes mistakes.
Now that I'm done rambling, let's move onto grammar, spelling, and punctuation. First of all, in the line, "My theory's change as I review.", theory's should be theorys. Also, cause should be because. An should also be and, and even that is bad grammar.
Now for the good stuff. I really liked two things in your poem, although one is a little narcisistic. One being that you capitalized Scientist, bringing irony to the poem. The other is that I noticed a reference to the Theory of Everything, in the lines ' So I tied the rules of nature together, Like a single solitary string.' I love science, and I love to debate about just about everything, from religion to politics, so I really did like this poem. Yay, fellow science geeks!
About the Big Bang - Are you sure you firmly grasp what physicists refer to when they say "Nothing"? I'm not a scientist myself, but I think you should actually look at where the evidence is pointing, and not just assert that a God was ultimately necessary to cause the Big Bang. And even if you were to assurt that; it wouldn't answer anything but only push the question back one step further, as such; "Where did God come from?" Either he always existed, or he came from nothing: either of these are necessary to explain him, but both, in their very nature, also defeat his very purpose. Because if something can exist forever/come from nothing, why can't that premiss be applied to the Universe?
From a philosophical point of view, God is unecessary. And from a scientific point of view, there's not a shred of evidence that indicate his existence, other than filling him in between the gaps of our scientific knowledge, which are growing smaller and smaller at an unfathomable rate.
The right time to believe something is when there's evidence to suggest it, and looking into the vaste Universe, it becomes rather clear to me that the notion of a God and significance of religion/superstition ends beyond the edge of our atmosphere.
The cosmos does not sympathize with us, or our notion of its origin. Without mankind around, stars would still be born, grow and attain orbiting planets before collapsing in on themselves, causing all kinds of celestial mayhem - this will happen to our planet as well, eventually.
Earth is probably not even unique, we are just buying time. Now instead of catering ideas to the fear of what we don't know, embrace this moment and celeberate this chance to be alive and breathing, as well as having the gift to actually conceive the existence of the Universe. We are merely mortals, projecting our fear of death onto the unknown, and over there we imagine immortality, and the idea of eternity - they are concepts bred from our own minds.
Be patient, you're not inquired to know everything. But nonetheless;
Think for yourself; question authority - always.
First of all, I definitely DO know what scientists are referring to when they talk about the big bang and nothing. In fact, I have numerous Stephen Hawking books on the subject, as well as quantum mechanics, and my favorite T. V. show is Through the Wormhole, which also explores the big bang. Also, I have never said that I substitute God for science. Science answers the how's, what's, when's, and where's, while God answers the why's. I'm also not saying that God only cares about humankind. In fact, I think that God will care about the universe after we humans are gone, as He did before we were here. Also, I certianly DO think for myself. I made the choice to believe in God. I decided, not anyone else. And I DO question authority- I decided that I was Athiest for a while, then I decided that I did believe. That was MY choice. I was not pressured by my parents to believe in God (they're Christian, but they are okay with me making my own decision about religion.) and I haven't been to chuch since I was seven.
Pencil to paper the poem was arguing creationism specifically. "'Cause I am the scientist against creationism"