Young Writers Society

I love this one Its a bit long and but its really good. I liked how you used words in your poem that people don't usually use, its pretty unique your style of writing. I wish I could write like you but I don't have the patience!
"She’s a scavenger and suddenly she lusts
With mascara and a crush
A place where she put her mask
By the banister where the actors cast
What a mess when she undressed
Went to bed but didn’t rest
And I’m captive to this very thing
Encaged in my own defeat"
this was my favorite part of the whole poem, I love how you talk about the character, really made me curious about her. Keep posting xxxx, Claire

[Deleted]

Hi Hero!

Okay, so I'm still very much a poetry novice, so this review won't be as thorough as it should probably be, but I'll give you my general impressions.

I started reading this out loud, but I couldn't find a rhythm to settle into. The first two lines of the first stanza had a good rhythm, and I expected the rest of the poem to follow the same beat but it didn't, which left me feeling a little lost.

The poem is quite long, and I find that long poems can sometimes be more difficult to understand and often not as good as shorter ones because you need to sustain an image or theme for a longer time and keep the reader fixed on the one idea for longer, which is hard. You get wobbles in the middle.

You mention actors, makeup and dreams, which makes me think this about insincerity, and the mention of "this social world" makes me think of the internet and Facebook and how easily modern networking breeds fakery. So the "she" could be an actual, tangible she, a real person who left the narrator, or "she" could be the whole world. But because the poem is so long (well, not epic length, but still pretty long) the theme (if that is the theme) gets tangled up with a whole bunch of other stuff that I'm not sure about, so I don't fully know if that is the theme or not.

Basically, I think this could be condensed. Personally I prefer short poems because they're easier to take in and easier to remember, and they're often more pithy because they have to be. And if you have so many big stanzas, it makes me wonder what I'm missing, but I don't know what that is because I'm lost in verbiage.

My overall impression is that this is good, and I like your use of language, which is confident and colourful, but I wonder if you need so much of it?

PM or Wall me if you have any questions!

-twit

Hi there!

Sorry about my first post. I didn't mean to hit the submit button.

Anyway, this is my real review:

Comments/Suggestions/Critiques

Afraid that I might love again
A This spark that has yet to dim It flows better this way. The original words didn't transition well with the first line
But move on is what I do
Cause I can't handle this simple truth--
Untouched words they’re out of mind
In this social world I fall behind
Trapped behind my own design
I’m sad but I just live a lie

She’s a scavenger and suddenly she lusts
With mascara and a crush
A place where she put her mask Love it!! Great imagery and use of metaphor
By the banister where the actors cast
What a mess when she undressed
Went to bed but didn’t rest
And I’m captive to this very thing
Encaged in my own defeat
I like this stanza. It adds a lot of feeling to the piece and builds the tension

Trash talk that she couldn’t fill
With drugs in the form of happy pills
"Excuse me but this love is gone"
Oh lovely, I just moved along
And I write it but it’s all gone wrong
So I just dreamt along
To this pathway of moral hygiene Moral hygiene? Interesting. What did you mean by this? I'm slightly confused
And happiness everywhere I’ve seen

Cause my friends aren’t here to wallow I love the word 'wallow'. I don't know why, but it makes a sentence sound cooler.
Or if they were, I’d be esteemed
And I’m ecstatic that I’m living
But I’m so dead that it’s a dream
I’m a train wreck to this story
And this whole thing was just a lie
And this life just got so deep
I’m surprised that I want to be alive

I won’t cap my thoughts at rational
And face mediocrity
I’m a stranger to this defamation
So I keep it where it oughta be; away
But now that I'm estranged This line doesn't seem to fit. Unless I'm just being stupid and can't understand it (which is totally and completely possible)
What if dreams are for the rich?
And if this life is just a fight
And I really have no gift?
I like how you use rhetorical questions in these last few lines. It makes the reader either agree of disagree with you. It also adds to the overall feel.

I can’t help it, I’m just bitter
I can’t find a reason not to be
When she left without hesitation
I could have changed undoubtedly
And it’s not that I am crazy
I’m still the boy that she loved
But one day no one cared <-- powerful line
And I changed up who I was

It’s just like a book of a tragedy
But it hurts so much more when it’s real
And every time I read that book
It’s a cycle not a wheel
It’s out of sight and out of time
I make a point while I draw the line
She's just a stranger that I pass
Though, this feeling I cannot grasp

So she throws her face in makeup,
Dies her hair that nasty color
Those boys might like her fake
But honestly, she’s not better
A million friends can’t quench it
This feeling because she’s all alone
She’s gonna smoke and drink all day
And not even realize that I’m gone
This seems to be where the speaker really digs deep. Now the reader knows how truly gone he is. He's sharing his secrets and thoughts with us. Love it!

So I guess it’s just a habit
And I’m 'bout to freaking break it
And she'll never realize the pain
I’m just happy if she fakes it
I’m not about to cry for help
Cause she wouldn't hear a sound
I've lasted all this time
It's time I take it to the ground

And so I’m a boy of all smiles
Hair slicked to the left
I’m a stranger to my friends So they both changed after the breakup?
And all the people I ever met
I said forget it to the rest
Cause every Sunday I’m a mess Why every Sunday? Does he see her at church all the time? Or is he a mess everyday?
I can’t change this story line
I just know you were the best

And this scene is left to die and wither
Composed not of ashes but a smile
Callous thoughts just break me down
So I've been dreaming all the while
While her fingernails crawl like the sky
Her lips are static, her touch is blue
Across this bridge like leaves we lie
A clever hook but just a dream

Afraid that I might love again
A spark that has yet to dim
But move on is what I do
Cause I can't handle this simple truth--
Untouched words they’re out of mind
In this social world I fall behind
Trapped behind my own design
I’m sad but I just live a lie

She’s a scavenger and suddenly she lusts
With mascara and a crush
A place where she put her mask
By the banister where the actors cast
What a mess when she undressed
Went to bed but didn’t rest
And I’m captive to this very thing
Encaged in my own defeat

Trash talk that she couldn’t fill
With drugs in the form of happy pills
"Excuse me but this love is gone"
Oh lovely, I just moved along
And I write it but it’s all gone wrong
So I just dreamt along
To this pathway of moral hygiene
And happiness everywhere I’ve seen

Cause my friends aren’t here to wallow
Or if they were, I’d be esteemed
And I’m ecstatic that I’m living
But I’m so dead that it’s a dream
I’m a train wreck to this story
And this whole thing was just a lie
And this life just got so deep
I’m surprised that I want to be alive

I won’t cap my thoughts at rational
And face mediocrity
I’m a stranger to this defamation
So I keep it where it oughta be; away
But now that I'm estranged
What if dreams are for the rich?
And if this life is just a fight
And I really have no gift?

I can’t help it, I’m just bitter
I can’t find a reason not to be
When she left without hesitation
I could have changed undoubtedly
And it’s not that I am crazy
I’m still the boy that she loved
But one day no one cared
And I changed up who I was

It’s just like a book of a tragedy
But it hurts so much more when it’s real
And every time I read that book
It’s a cycle not a wheel
It’s out of sight and out of time
I make a point while I draw the line
She's just a stranger that I pass
Though, this feeling I cannot grasp

So she throws her face in makeup,
Dies her hair that nasty color
Those boys might like her fake
But honestly, she’s not better
A million friends can’t quench it
This feeling because she’s all alone
She’s gonna smoke and drink all day
And not even realize that I’m gone

So I guess it’s just a habit
And I’m 'bout to freaking break it
And she'll never realize the pain
I’m just happy if she fakes it
I’m not about to cry for help
Cause she wouldn't hear a sound
I've lasted all this time
It's time I take it to the ground

And so I’m a boy of all smiles
Hair slicked to the left
I’m a stranger to my friends
And all the people I ever met
I said forget it to the rest
Cause every Sunday I’m a mess
I can’t change this story line
I just know you were the best

And this scene is left to die and wither
Composed not of ashes but a smile
Callous thoughts just break me down
So I've been dreaming all the while
While her fingernails crawl like the sky
Her lips are static, her touch is blue
Across this bridge like leaves we lie
A clever hook but just a dream

Hi! So I just had a quick skim through the reviews below as I don't want to be too repetetive and I have to say, Karzkin has really hit the nail on the head. Some parts of this are great and print such vivid images in my mind, but there's twice as much again that feels surplus to the poem. I'll try to point out those sections as I go through. First though, have you considered trying this as lyrics? It has a looser form than the average poem and might adapt well to being a song. The addition of a chorus would also help with your tendancy to go off topic, just a thought ^^

Specifics

Stanza One: The second line is too short which really throws your rhythm off and this stanza in general isn't doing it for me. It doesn't actually say anything. You've got a lot of words and some distant emotion, but there's no solid imagery to tie it all together and I can't pick out any phrases which really grab my attention. It feels like an empty way to start the poem and that's a shame because you've got some powerful lines later on.

Stanza Two: Lovely! The first two lines of this are part of what makes me wonder if it shouldn't be lyrics because they have a beautiful, very lyrical flow. The only thing I'm unsure about is that line 'where the actors cast' because you don't say what they cast and it doesn't flow into the next. It feels very much like you've chosen the word cast to fit the rhyme! You need to be more subtle than that If you just had another line after the fourth one, then you'd be good I'm sure.

Stanza Three: I don't like the 'this very thing' as it's too vague and I've no idea what this thing is. I'm also not sure about 'encaged', it's a little awkward sounding. Also the rhyme of fill and pills is very forced and those lines feel repetetive. Describe the drugs as happy pills straight away. Don't tell us 'she took drugs that were happy pills', simply say 'she took some happy pills'. Some of the phrasing feels awkward as well; this stanza isn't working for you.

Stanza Four: These friends suddenly come out of nowhere and the stanza doesn't feel connected to the previous one. Your rhyme's also feeling forced again, 'esteemed' is badly used and we find out why when we come to dream If you can't find a word that fits, try a half rhyme instead or look up synonyms. I do like the line 'But I'm so dead that it's a dream' but none of the rest really grabs me. I've heard train wreck too often and the later lines feel like empty sentiments. Where's your imagery gone? The mask and the mascara, the banister. That's what made the other stanza work so well.

Stanza Five: I love the first line of this and I like five and six but I'm not a fan of the others. I think you could scrap those and put in some solid emotion or images instead, to tie these three strong lines together.

Stanza Six: This was a rather bland stanza and there's nothing that hasn't been heard before. She left me, now I'm sad and I'm a different person. You need to put a new spin on the old words!

Stanza Seven: I'm not sure about this one either. What do you mean by a cycle and not a wheel? The words feel empty because they're not backed up by imagery or explanations.

Stanza Eight: The first two lines are good! But I'd suggest 'shade' instead of color because that would have a stronger sound and flow. The rest of the stanza is a bit weak again.

Stanza Nine: I'm not sure where you've got to by this stanza, whether this is about getting over the girl or getting back with her and pretending everything's okay? I'm not sure, you've lost me a bit.

Stanza Ten: Sometimes it's 'she' and other times 'you'. I think that's part of what makes this confusing, the pronouns seem to change, or there are three characters? I think you could lose most of this stanza, though I'm interested in what makes Sunday different, why every Sunday? Because he doesn't have work/ school to distract him or for some other reason? That might be an interesting detail to put in here.

Stanza Eleven: I like the idea that her touch is blue, though it would have been better if you'd connected that with something else to explain what you meant by it.

Overall

Okay so I haven't much more to add, my main advice is to take that strong imagery you had in the second stanza and recreate it throughout. Remove some of the fluff, decide what your storyline actually is and make it clear and impressionable.

If you've got any questions, feel free to ask!

Heather xxx

Hero, I'm finally here. Sorry it's taken so long.

You know man, I'm really ambivalent about this one. I just can't decide. I like it, I don't like it, it's good, it could improve, etc etc. I'm torn. The thing, I think, is that you're hit-and-miss. I checked out your other stuff, and some of it is great, but some not so much. The same goes for this one. Some lines are bloody awesome. For realz. Some lines fall flat. For example;

She’s a scavenger and suddenly she lusts
With mascara and a crush
A place where she put her mask
By the banister where the actors cast
What a mess when she undressed
Went to bed but didn’t rest

It’s just like a book of a tragedy
But it hurts so much more when it’s real
And every time I read that book
It’s a cycle not a wheel
It’s out of sight and out of time
I make a point while I draw the line
She's just a stranger that I pass
Though, this feeling I cannot grasp

This poem is now one page shorter after my last revision; please feel free to comment and/or review it again.

Hey! Here as requested. First, here are some edits for you:

Because I can't handle this simple truth--

Untouched words they’re out of mind

She’s a scavenger and suddenly she lust

By the banister were the actors caste

And happiness everywhere I seen

Cos my friends aren’t here to wallow

I’m surprised that I wanna be alive

So I keep it where it outta be; away

I can’t help it I’m just bitter

And it’s just a form of literacy

I can't express the feel

And I'm sick of your irrational

I’d refute but it’s not worth it

And you love the freaking aspect
That you're mean and arrogant

That’s a unfixable problem

Not concerned of right and wrong

I’m confined and center formed

And what about that day you lust

I thought you were a whore

And I hate my slander so much

It’s a cycle not a wheel

I make a point while I drawl the line

Tho, this feeling I cannot grasp

So she throws her face in makeup,

A million friends can’t quench it

cos she wouldn't hear a sound

your fingernails crawl like the sky
your lips are static, your touch is blue

I can’t help it I’m just bitter
I can’t find a reason not to be
When you left without hesitation
And I could have changed undoubtedly,
And it’s not that I am crazy
I’m still the boy that you loved
But one day you couldn’t care less
And I changed up who I was

I’m confined and center formed
And happily misinformed
In this society I be
Confused with this silly dream
And if you know so much about me
Then how about you tell me how I feel
And I spent away these easy days
That I’m stuck with all the real

Hey Hero!

Here as requested!

cos I can't handle this simple truth--

She’s a scavenger and suddenly she lust

Went to bed but didn’t rest

And It’s not that I am crazy

And It’s just a form of literacy

And the love was never real
soo To have some kind of life

and all the people I’ve come to hate
And I can’t find someone that’s real
So im stuck with all the fake
And im sick of your irrational

That your mean and arrogant
And I just sit and laugh at it
That’s a unfixable problem
Not concerned of right and wrong
I’m just not focused on making amends
I’m happy that your gone

She’s gunna smoke and drink all day

And I’m bout' to freaking break it

I don't have time for a proper review, but this is really good! Maybe a bit too long, but overall a really impressive piece. Well done

Wow, this is great!