You already know you're a good poet so you get no warnings. I'm in a tear it down mood and I can't do it with my poem so I'm doing it with yours.
Specifics
1. I'm normally very opposed to filler words like 'just' but I'm hesitant on saying nix it this time because that hesitancy is the right mood for this poem. Or rather that sense that something can be insignificant or important and there's not much of a line between which. So I like it but I think you should put a comma at the end of line one and I'd say lose the word 'vanish' from the third line.
2.
I could leave everything
and at the same time, it is all nothing
I want you to be more dramatic here and less literal. I want those lines to read something like:
I could leave everything
and I would have left nothing
3. You don't get to use just twice. Change it to 'only'. Other than that these are my favourite lines so far. Love the half rhyme.
just things I can sense through receptors
and pain of pressure.
4.
a huge convex bowl
holding me up like it's magnetic
and I am metal shrapnel,
but I am more liquid than solid.
I am less gas than air
because I cannot escape my vessel.
I'm not sure about 'less gas than air' it feels like a big jump after deciding that the persona is liquid and I think there needs to be a transition line from liquid to gas. I'm also not sure vessel is the right choice of word. I feel like it should be something more along the line of 'tethers' or 'shell'. Vessel feels too neutral and that might have been the point, to be all distant and stuff, but I think it's too under the radar.
Overall
I like this. There's not as much to tear down as I would have liked in fact Its got a good feel and the flow of emotions are really nice. Keep it up!
~Heather
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
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