Young Writers Society

Hey Ten! So I saw a chapter of this in the Green Room and I thought, do you know what? I'm gonna read the whole thing

Okay first of all, wow, what a striking entrance! I'm usually not a fan of prologues, but this was so good. It's so disgusting and you really capture the sort of weariness and agony, and the way he doesn't know which one is worse.

I had a couple of qualms with your language - disfigured back bones? Is that to do with his wings? What does that mean? I kind of didn't get that.

You also said "dust" where I think you might have meant "dusk".

Also, what's up with the tar in his wings? Did they tar him? It kind of didn't sit so well with me because why would he have tar there and then no mention of how it got there? Small things but you know...

My main issue is with the last two paragraphs- the narrative here does not match the rest of the piece, it's like all of a sudden we've zoomed out and are looking at this all from an omniscient view rather than the close third that everything else was in. And I don't know, I think they seem a little bit too... "Hey here's my story here's what's gonna happen" to me. I would like to see something a little bit less formal waging-war in that part. Sure, mention the blood lust that this was going to cause but words like "a once-noble people" didn't really fit in with the rest of the piece, if you ask me. You just suddenly completely change tone.

But needless to say I am very intrigued and off to read a bit more! Let's hope I get to the end by the end of the day!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Tenyo! Hi! It's Silver here to review for you!

*Takes a deep breath before exhaling*
Wow, just wow. That was amazing, just breathtaking. It's the best prologue I've ever read on YWS for sure.

To me one of the most important things in a story is the atmosphere. How easily a story reaches out of the pages and put's it's arms around you, enveloping you in it's world. I felt that your prologue did that so well. I was dragged along path with your tortured angel and felt, his fear and his pain. It all felt so thick around me.

Your descriptions and imagery were just sublime and painted me a wonderful picture of what was going on. One of the things that I loved about your writing was that not a word was wasted and none were used in excess. Often, in an attempt to create strong imagery people tend to over do it causing their sentences to lose fluidity and become overly wordy but you didn't do that and instead gave us clarity.

My only qualm was this:

Don't look away, he determined.

Hi, Elinor here.
Put simply, 'Wow'. This prologue was amazing: short and intriguing. Violent, too, but what really impressed me was that this wasn't unnecessary violence, ie you didn't describe blood and gore and all that just for the sheer hell of it.
The first, and obviously the most important line- for how will you attract the reader otherwise?- was gripping. You've managed to interest me without giving too much away.
The only worry I have, though, is that you have an angel shot dead, which might risk offending religious people. You're treading on thin ice here!

Woah. *steps back and admires the intense quality of writing* - and this is only the prologue? Oooh, this book could Rock!

Hey though, since you know it's outstanding, I'm going to be as critical as possible so maybe you can get even more epicness out of it! Just ignore my stupidity if you find my suggestions dumb. xD

"It is the first law of a lawless world that the brave always die young." - Make this, maybe, into two sentences for suspense. "The brave always die young." Enter on new line. "This, the first law of a lawless world." Something like that may stimulate through the roof, as if the way you have it already, doesn't

"...white feathers shed like..." - were shed?

Wow. the description of battered angel is like a downtrodden butterfly, plucked down from the air, bent wings and all. No critique there.

"Flecks of dried blood blood" - whoops typo, we cannot escape them

"He had to keep his gaze. It was the only thing he had left." - you didn't really need to say that, because I inferred all that from his thought of 'don't look away'

"across the steps and staining the feathers," - subtract the and there, replace with a comma, and I dunno, it just is that hair more thrilling!

The paragraph about the newspaper to the mortuary was simply stunning.

I take that back, from there to the ending is flawless. *raises hands* I am not worthy to touch. xD there is nothing really wrong with this the way it is - at all. I just wanted to try and be of a help to you, not blow your head up like a balloon. But it seems, the only option was to give the credit due you. Take care! Write on! Spectacular! A regular wordsmith.

Hi there
So this was amazing. It was beautifully written, every sentence seemed so meaningful and poignant. Impressive imagery, and it seems like there's a very good plot behind it all.

Call me picky, but I do have one complaint. I didn't like it when you said "skin had been ripped from bone". It stuck out to me because skin isn't on bone, skin is on flesh, and flesh is on bone.

Another thing is when you said "the bullet went straight through", I thought it was a bit simple, like it could sound better if you replaced "went" with a more descriptive word such as "sliced" or something else. Then "in and out the back of his head" sounded a bit odd to me because it kind of sounded like it went in the back and came out the back.

Feel free to ignore the things I've mentioned because I'm just being really picky. It was a really great piece and I'd love to see more.

-fighta

Wow, this was a great prologue, Tenyo!

I really liked your first sentence: ''It is the first law of a lawless world that the brave always die young.'' It was sad, but on the same time meaningful and a great way to start a prologue with, if that makes any sense at all to you.

I agree with Iggy about not mentioning the name. It was pretty sad that his life was wasted like that, on cathedral steps. I wonder where you are going with the Valkyrians, you definitely just woke my curiosity!

Just one thing, did you write blood twice on purpose?

Flecks of dried blood blood scratched like grit in his eyelashes.

Ten, my darling.

For a prologue, this was pretty darn awesome. I'm already in love.

I like how you never give the angel a name. It helps emphasize the statement at the end, that no one would remember his name or his face. His death was only meant to spark a war, nothing more. It's kinda sad, really. It makes me pity the angel. If you're going to be murdered, shouldn't your name at least be known? To die anonymous...

Moving on, I like the sudden realization that, oh my, he has wings! He's an angel! Of course, this makes me think that the reason he is being killed is because someone has a issue to settle with God, but no, the ending makes me think otherwise. Maybe this is beyond God and Satan and their everlasting battle.

I like how straight to the point this was. Your goal was to kill the angel and kill him you did, so that's done. The match has been lit. Now we must wait to see what happens.

Overall, the imagery behind this was beautifully described and the flow was clear. The story itself was strong and the pacing was steady, and this looks promising. I must read more. ^^

Woah, Tenshi. Just, woah. I loved this piece, and you have such a way with words it's kinda impossible to nitpick anything at all. Also, what is this about an angel getting murdered? I'm super-curious now...

Heyo Tenny! Auxii here to review for you today!

Ohhh! Angels! and Valkyries, maybe? Intriguing. Always love a good mystical story, I do.

A few nitpicks:
-...well I can't FIND ANY! You rock girl! This is rare for me!

Anyway. I like the statement at the beginning, it very much sets the tone for everything to come. The nameless angel gives us the eerie supernatural feeling I assume you were going for (if not, it may be just that I find angels eerie in a beautiful way >.<)

I related this beautiful, broken being to Skellig, for some reason. If you haven't read the book, I very much suggest it. It probably doesn't have much to do with your story, but it is incredibly beautiful. I do like the irony of an Angel being shot on a church roof and falling to the steps.

The imagery of the angel's suffering is very well written, we can feel it radiating from him. His determination is impressive too. I wonder how he get himself into this predicament?

Angels are apparently not an uncommon presence in this world, as um, well, it just seems very normal. So, are the angels Valkyrians, therefore, should I see them as valkyries, or are they an entirely different species? The questions~ And who are the children of Basaris? ohhhh so many feels >:3

I'm going to go and review the next bit now~

Hope I helped and keep writing!
Auxii~