It's the last day of school and I'm not even there. People say it's the most important day of the years, especially for Seniors. But I did not care. I had better things to do. Like travel to Indianapolis to a Led Zeppelin concert. The wind was blowing through my hair as the radio blasted some music. It was, of course, our music playlist before every concert we went to.
1. Fleetwood Mac (play at least every song twice)
2. ACDC (for the hair flips)
3. The Smiths (gotta cool off a bit)
4. Led Zeppelin (cause why wouldn't you)
5. The Beatles (we all want a yellow submarine)
This was how it was living in my life. Well, this is when it got better. Getting to the good part always makes you go through the worst possible part first. And, maybe, I should introduce you to that. But, I'll do that in chapter two, because I really wanna get to that concert and sing so loud with them that I lose my voice.
"Kali, wanna beer?"
I opened my eyes and looked behind me, catching sight of Zac. He had that long brown hair that hit his shoulders and smoldering blue eyes. It's like staring at a painting. We called him Jessie, for reasons saying that he was the Jessie that has Jessie's girl.
"I'm good. I don't think Leslie here wants me to drink..." I smirked.
Leslie is our trusted driver. I thought of him as the most attractive guy in our group, only because, well, he was. His eyes were green-ish-grey, small, but so beautiful that I couldn't stop looking at them. I always admired how he took care of his hair, his brown-golden hair... it was either styled to the max, or left alone. Today, he left it alone, so it flowed with the wind and his bangs sorta fell on his forehead.
"What?" Leslie asked.
I looked at him and caught him smirking at me. He always played games with me, ever since I met him. It was like we were always trying to beat each other out.
"Never mind," I smiled.
The pit of my stomach felt like it was on fire as I leaned back into my seat and stared out into the horizon. The sun was just setting, meaning that the concert would start in around two hours. The empty plains looked beautiful, the wheat was golden and the grass was so green. You could see Chicago downtown just behind us.
"Hey, can you turn it up? I love Dreams." Fran said.
She was a fourth girl in our group. The smart, experienced, and very responsible one. She's crazy, but at the same time. she knew what to do. I admired her short jet black hair, and earrings in her ears. She had at least four in each. There was a tattoo she got of a small heart with an arrow through it. It was all black and it looked like it was bleeding. Yeah, she was a hard ass.
I flicked the volume button up a bit and heard her singing to the music in the back.
There were two more people, my older brother Jay and my best friend Alexandra. My brother is extremely stubborn but you gotta love him. He looks sort of like me (a lot of people say we are identical even though we've got a year between us). I used to share our hair color, light brown, but I dyed my hair auburn. He had the light blue eyes and I had the darker blue. So, I don't see the resemblance. Jay happened to not fit in this ride, so he's driving his car with Alex and a few other people.
Alex happened to be that pretty girl with an edge. She had the same hair as my brother, but super long, it hit her butt. She was pretty fit, it's to be jealous of. And she had the coolest eyes, one was grey and the other was hazel. Like, whoa, husky girl!
"How far are we?" Zac complained from the back.
"Far enough! Hold your breathe, Zac!" Leslie laughed.
That's all for now :)
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello there! I should have reviewed this sooner, since it's been in the GR for a while, but I was lazy...
Now then, like Moo before me, I do like that you took on the challenge of writing a story set in the eighties/nineties (can't remember which...).
However! I spotted several verb-tense mix-ups and awkward commas. It doesn't hurt to proofread for this stuff, and reading your work aloud is almost guaranteed to clear out the verb-tense problems. As for the commas, here's an example of where you went wrong:
"And she had the coolest eyes; one was grey and the other was hazel." Remember to use a semicolon to separate independent clauses.
For technique, since Moo already covered the whole character-drop thing, I'll skip it and remind you to avoid passive voice. (i.e. was blowing) Also, with all this name-dropping, there's very little actual action. Let's see more action verbs and less state-of-being verbs.
As for plot, I can't say much. Nothing has really happened, and Moo already got what I wanted to say.
So... Ciao for now!
Hello there, MooCowPoop to review!
The idea of writing about eighties and nineties teenagers is freaking awesome. I have always wondered what the perspectives of teenagers were not just then, but in other time periods also like the twenties, forties, sixties, and so forth. It's partly because I am a huge history nerd, but anyway, kudos to you for taking on that challenge. I'm not sure when you were born, but if it was not before or was during this time period, then I tip my hat off to thee for doing so. I'm sure it's challenging writing about another time period.
With that, however, I felt at some moments, the highlights of this time period were too much. It felt almost as if the reader were being forcibly reminded of what time period the charcters are in. I say that's okay if you're writing a story which just wants to cover the life of this time period, and if the characters won't matter, but not if it's going to be legit story. I suggest toning it down a bit with the references to stuff during the time, like the Jessie bit.
Another thing, and this happens in most people's stories: the tendency to give a whole description of each character in the very first parts of the story is... Well, eh. This is a common problem. I do not think.it is necessary to describe each charcter in vivid detail on the very first page unless you're writing a play, and even there vivid descriptions of the characters are spread out. Lead your reader.on; flirt with them a little. Let them guess what the person looks like or what quirk they have before throwing a bunch of description in their face. It'll lead to a much more interesting story and give it better flow.
Going off of that, you have a good knack for describing the scene. I say replace that with the description of the characters so that the readers can get a real feel for what this story is going to be about.