The Fox

Hi Fortis,
I really like this poem but i have a few questions and i would like to correct a few things. How come you put this ; after the in in the 13 line and shouldn't you probably reword most of the stuff cause some people don't get what this means like me because I don't know most of these words because I am in 7th grade. Also most don't have pointed face and ears to right. Next what does sinous mean, piteous and cacophonous okay thank you.

Wow, this is cool! how wonderfully you described it! FOX! i hate fox though! no, they make me scare!

Well, let us come to the point! Nice writing in a good format. only last two paras have punctuation, first two don't have, a mystery for me! xD

i have nothing to critique here, it's an imaginary one, liked it, it's a good read!

and, A-B-A-B, that was the format of your poem, it's fun when you read it loudly.

You know what? you should write a sonnet, i don't know but, i think, you'll be able to write fantastic sonnets!

Anyway, thanks, for writing this
and
Stay fine
and
Good
And do fun!

~Min

How do you write so perfectly?! The rhymes made so much sense and they weren't forced or stretched. I liked the repetition of the word "A" a lot. The imagery you used described the event was amazing. I liked how you didn't use punctuation at the beginning when you were describing the fox, but used it during the action. The meter was great and it flowed really well. I have no corrections for you! This is probably one of the best poems I've read. My jaw actually dropped when I read it. You've earned yourself a like and a follow!

PS-I don't know how I accidentally posted a blank comment below.

Hello, darling!

To begin, I'd like to say that this is actually an intriguing idea. A lot of people use analogies that liken people to predator and prey, but here we have a work that actually details the prey as being a more unsuspecting omnivore, rather than some cow or deer that people usually imagine.

My main point on this one is going to be, I think, the flow of your lines and your meter. While your previous poem was more strict in its meter, this one seems to be looser, but while this may work in some poetry, it definitely isn't to your advantage here. You go from a strict number of syllables in some lines, relative to the first line of that stanza, to a looser set of syllables, and it makes it confusing to read and difficult to read aloud without rushing through some words to make the lines sound the same length.

Another element in this difficulty is the lack of a measured syllabic stress in your meter. While your lines are similar (for the most part, with the distracting variations) in length, they aren't similar in stress. I find this especially obvious in the third stanza, going from the first line to the second; on its own, the first line wouldn't seem so awkward, but when you go from "the trap closes tight" to "she is caught in the dead", the stress of the syllables is off. They have no similar sounds to tie them together, either.

Aside from those technical notes above, I do have a bit of commentary on your imagery. The images in this piece are obviously more centred than in the Shadows of Nightmares; however, there's still a vague quality to them. You give the standard adjectives and then don't expound upon them; she has a "sly grin" and a "smooth and fluffy swishing tail", but especially with those descriptions that border on cliche, there's nothing else to the depth of them. I do like some of your phrases, but I think that they could have used more specific detail.

Artistically, I feel this piece is lacking something. It's interesting, it's got a viewpoint that people don't normally see (unless they watch the Fox and the Hound, of course), and it could be taken in a number of symbolic ways (whether or not you intended them in those ways). I think it's majorly lacking in that depth I mentioned, the depth which is given by effective and simplistic-yet-specific images. It's hard for me to pin it down, but I feel like it's almost to the next level.

Overall, a nice piece! It could use some technical work (fix your punctuation, says the punctuation monster), especially when it comes to meter and syllabic stress—you're a singer, so I'm going to tell you that a decent way (for me, at least) to figure out syllabic stress is to say it out loud and overdo it with stress-release. That'll show you when you have an oddity, such as two stressed or unstressed syllables right next to each other when the pattern doesn't call for it, and it might help you with figuring out awkward phrases. Keep writing!

I love imagery, and you've used it nicely! The imagery transitions darker as the character's life comes to an end (sad). However, I think it would be much more effective if you ended the poem without the last sentence. The wording doesn't match the tone as much, and seems a little "thesaurusized". If you left that sentence out I think it would give the reader a more ominous feel about the poem. My favorite part of this is when you describe the motions of the fox by the way, and now I'm off to check out more of you work!

I love it so much, I think this poem goes about a mask that we are wearing and pretend to be someone else. I love the idea of the fox in your poem and his coat, that was awesome.

Foxes are so cute and beautiful with their red brown hair and fluffy coat. I adore this poem SO much, I can see the images in my head while I'm reading this.

Never stop with poetry cause you have such a great talent and keep writing. I can't find no faults and this was amazing.


Off to read some more poems from you;

Dazzle

I can't be the only one singing, "What does the fox say."

Anyway, I really liked your poem. In fact, I only found one real problem with it, in the first stanza.

"A twitching turn of the head."

This has one too many syllables. You could take out "turn," as it wouldn't affect the meaning.

Since that wouldn't be a long enough review to be helpful, I'll add in a few other things.

At first the fox is, well, fox-like. Then, a bit suddenly, it becomes a completely different creature almost. Something that we should feel pity for. This was a bit abrupt.

You also don't describe how the fox gets into the trap. Perhaps you could have written about her foot stepping into it, because it feels like there's a large hole where that should be.

This isn't a critique, but I loved the last two lines. Just had to say that.

Hope this was helpful!

Dominusatramentum

Wow this was a really cool piece. It had a sort of Dr. Seuss feel to it, but more serious. Crazy ending I must say, but not it a bad way. I enjoyed seeing some of the things that you put together, for example smooth and fluffy. It was a great way to use opposites in a way that work, if that make any sense.
The only thing that I would add is a bit on how foxes are cunning or crafty. You hinted at it when you said "A sly grin hinting naughty" but i would like to see it come out a little more.
Overall it was fantastic and a really enjoyable read.
keep it up man

Hello Fortis (Fellow Hot sauceean.) jordin here for a review.

I sure hope this little thing helps you and our team.

This story is good the way you wrote about it but still when you were describing the fox you could have said a rustic brown because that is the way they look.

I have not noticed that they grin either.

But you could re name it 'The death of the fox' because you would think if you read this oh this is going to be bout fox's.

Keep calm eat a tomato read write review and have some good luck.

Hope this helped.

~Jon~

SORRY this is all underlined.

Hi,

I thought this was very good. I really liked the way you described the fox.

"A sleek sinuous body,
a flash of something red.
A sly grin hinting naughty,
a twitching turn of the head."

I thought all the words really flowed together, but there should be a comma after sleek. I really liked the way you made the words rhyme.

"A giant shadow closes in,
she sings her last sorrowful note.
A forest ceasesits cacophonous din
in respect for the fox-made coat."

I almost want to say this was flawless. I think you did a good job at showing the reader the fox's emotions rather than telling them.

Overall:
I think it was well written, had a nice flow to it, and it has a nice theme. Good job.

Hello,

I really loved this! Its really amazing and I would love to see more.

This is very descriptive of the fox.

And I love how you made the the ending, "a forest ceases its cacophonous din
in respect for the fox-made coat." I think that's really good.

I can't find anything that needs fixing etc..

Its a very well, written poem that screams ideas, and a possible hidden story.

I would love for this to be a possible story of her pups or something.

Thanks,
PG2

Alright, so just a few things. I'll do a line by line review for you. First off however I must say, it is extremely distracting to the reader for to be double spaced like that, it's just a little more difficult to read. It should be single spaced unless between stanzas. I also think that it could be broken into stanzas, and below is a suggestion.

A sleek sinuous body, Add a comma after sleek
a flash of something red,
a sly grin hinting ‘naughty,’ Remove quotation marks around naughty. Also capitilize.
a twitching turn of the head.

A smooth and fluffy swishing tail,
a pointed face with pointed ears, Make comma a period
a strangely piteous sounding wail, capitilize here
a scream in the night for all to hear.

A trap closes tight around a leg, I believe changing "a" to her would flow better.
she is caught in the dead of night,
a pair of eyes that seem to beg,
they stare and are no longer bright.I would add a comma after stare, and remove "and are" to help with the flow.

A giant shadow closes in,
she sings her last sorrowful note,
a forest ceases its cacophonous din Capitilize a
in respect for the fox-made coat.
Really love this stanza.

Alright so your flow is great for the most part, I love the way it just rolls out of the mouth. I'd like to see more of your work. Keep writing, and good luck!
~Kay

I love this poem. It has a nice beginning and the ending has a twist I haven't seen in poems on YWS before. I like it. The poem was very fluid and easy to read. But every sentence started with "A". Was that on purpose? Either way, if you change it or let it stay the same it is still good. Try maybe to break it up in another way, because it almost seems like a list. While you change the "a", you can also break it up differently.

All in all, it was a great poem!!:D

Fortis, really creative and somewhat twisty ending :$

"A giant shadow closes in,
She sings her last sorrowful note,
A forest ceases its cacophonous din,
In respect for the fox made coat."

Ok there are a few thing I would like to say.
First off, it really threw a plot twist and the ending of I loved .
But the capitalization in this poem you need to watch. It was a very creative poem thy flowed well and it was captivating. Although grim, I loved it






~MindBlown

Major respect to you for the creativity of this idea, and the ingenuity it takes to write a poem with rhyme as fluid as this one's. For me, rhyming poetry is extremely difficult for some reason, so I admire how well you did with this. I really liked the ending, too -- it's dark, unexpected, and it keeps the poem from being just a predictable admiration of nature/the animal. Love the last line(:

P.S. -- Sorry if this isn't hyper-critical/helpful, but I wanted to say I enjoyed it and good job.

A sleek sinuous body,
A flash of something red,

interesting ... caught my attention

A sly grin hinting ‘naughty,’

fun


A twitching turn of the head.

nice

A smooth and fluffy swishing tail,

cute!

A pointed face with pointed ears,

to the point, yeah

A strangely piteous sounding wail,

cool


A scream in the night for all to hear.

yikes


A trap closes tight around a leg,

aww D:

She is caught in the dead of night,

poor foxy

A pair of eyes that seem to beg,

of course!

They stare and are no longer bright.

r.i.p

A giant shadow closes in,

yikes...

She sings her last sorrowful note,

aww D:

A forest ceases its cacophonous din,

its what?

In respect for the fox-made coat.

a coat.. twisted ending. I like it, its creative, kinda sad. There are things you need to correct. Every line is capitalized. Only capitalize the beginning of a sentence. And there A-LOT of A's .. thats dizzying to me. that and the sentences seem a little long. But thats all easily fixable! You did a great job on this, I am curious to see what else you have written.