You kissed the doorframe,
staring out into the swirling snow
with your slate eyes.
The tracks you made were light,
filled in with the blizzard
that marked the dying year.
You left the door open when you departed,
winter invading our home,
dusting the glass with branching frost.
I watched your weathered leather coat
as it receded into the blank distance,
kidnapped by that whiteout.
You couldn't wait for spring:
You couldn't even wait
for the storm to end.
I followed your tracks a ways.
The trailing ropes from your packs
sketched calligraphy in the snow.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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127,935 Literary Works • 671,488 Reviews
A poem about snow! I wish I could see snow again... East Coast issues. :s
Where are my manners!? Awright, Gummy's the name, reviewing's my game! Tonight, I'm here to review your work!
I'm going to be quick with this, since you're also participating in Review Day... The grammar is pristine... for the most part. I noticed one simple issue with the verbs "make" and "were" in Line 4, where the two verbs contradict each other through their tenses. The line can be in either the present or the past tense, but not in both. I'd consider revising that line, and I know you have much more than the potential to do so appropriately... But formality asks that I help you do so.
You can either change "make" to "made" or change "were" to "are". Whatever floats your boat.
That's it! Wow, that's a relatively big Review Sandwich! Now, as for the bottom bread, I just wanted to say that this poem really interested me, and the snow-related imagery was captivating, to say the least. I really enjoyed this poem, and I hope to read more from your immense portfolio very soon! I don't think I need to remind you, but, again, formality asks that I do so... Practice is key!
This was very haunting for some reason and it got me to shiver. I loved every moment of it. Thank you for this delightful poetry~
Onto nitpicking:
I have very few concerns for this piece. "...kidnapped by that whiteout." "That" feels very strange. I think that you should change it to "the".
"I followed your tracks a ways." "A ways" doesn't sound quite right either. "A distance" can fit in easily.
Thank you for the beautiful, haunting poem and keep it up!
Hmm, it seems incomplete...
Ok, so let's get into it:
That's the only thing I wanted to pick at because my auto spell picked up on it ^^
But I do like your use of words.
I liked the way you described the way the snow covered everything.
I like how you described this. Watching whoever it is leave, like they were snatched into thin air.
This was my favorite line. All and all, everything was nicely done. Keep up the good work!