The glare of a doctor's light,
that was the first thing her eyes ever saw.
The first sense of the world around her,
like a wake-up call for life to begin.
The relentless flicker and hum of
florescent lights in her school
the irritating brightness
perpetually above her for years.
The slashing beam of a flash light,
while in her youth she explored the world.
Crawling into gullies,
the light, her only lifeline.
The red, neon glow of the liquor store,
The red sign like a scar in her memories.
A symbol of sour thoughts,
A warning to never return.
The Christmas lights strung everywhere,
weakly illuminating a face that would become
a face she thought of at all times
in the coming years.
The silver moonlight
by which she eloped.
Promising a brighter future
glowing on both their shining faces.
The flickering glow of the TV
a symbol for comfortable years.
Growing old together,
a quiet peace in between.
The heat and blaze of the fire
Burning down her life.
Leaving nothing but her
and the ashes.
The quiet solace of candles
placed upon three little graves.
Bringing to light her sobbing face,
bringing comfort despite the irony of fire.
Car lights, stove flame,
phones, computers,
light bulbs, campfire,
all meaningless and dull.
The steady gleam of a final sunset.
Gorgeous colors dazzle her wrinkled eyes.
She, finally at peace, draws
her final breath.
Looking into the unknown light hereafter.
tIMmy hear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Timmy here!
Teh frst ting i notced was tht yur poem was rlly long like rlly long, and hrd to read. I mean, u culd hav maed it a lil shortr, & yur thot mre consisee but tis is yur pom so in teh end its yur idae an yur peom so yah. juss werk on that & itll be a gr8 poem to rede. and it don't rime & I tink u could hav dun a betr job wit writin tis poem an all an it would hav sundid bettr if u ad rimed it
my fav part
The glare of a doctor's light,
that was the first thing her eyes ever saw.
The first sense of the world around her,
like a wake-up call for life to begin.
The relentless flicker and hum of
florescent lights in her school
the irritating brightness
perpetually above her for years.
The slashing beam of a flash light,
while in her youth she explored the world.
Crawling into gullies,
the light, her only lifeline.
The red, neon glow of the liquor store,
The red sign like a scar in her memories.
A symbol of sour thoughts,
A warning to never return.
The Christmas lights strung everywhere,
weakly illuminating a face that would become
a face she thought of at all times
in the coming years.
The silver moonlight
by which she eloped.
Promising a brighter future
glowing on both their shining faces.
The flickering glow of the TV
a symbol for comfortable years.
Growing old together,
a quiet peace in between.
The heat and blaze of the fire
Burning down her life.
Leaving nothing but her
and the ashes.
The quiet solace of candles
placed upon three little graves.
Bringing to light her sobbing face,
bringing comfort despite the irony of fire.
Car lights, stove flame,
phones, computers,
light bulbs, campfire,
all meaningless and dull.
The steady gleam of a final sunset.
Gorgeous colors dazzle her wrinkled eyes.
She, finally at peace, draws
her final breath.
Looking into the unknown light hereafter.
TEH HOLE TING IS MY FAV PART!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i GiVe u a 7/10, becuz it wasnt rimed
Wile yur roun culd u taek a look at mi werks an reveiw dem?
tanks! yur gr8
Spoiler
SO yeah, that was embarrassing, and rather difficult to maintain that terrible spelling, punctuation and grammar. But yes. Here I am now, and the above review doesn't make me cringe that much, because of it's evil intentions, so yeah! Tis gonna be fun!
Here we go!
So this will be a short review, because, quite honestly, I don't really know what to nitpick. You have the entire idea down pat, and the idea itself is pure genius. Lights - the one thing we never stop seeing until the day we die. We see lights wherever we go, and are simply lost without them... Without lights, we are in perpetual darkness. Our bodies and minds/souls just seek out the light no matter where it is. In friends, places, creatures - anything that can light up our day, our environment, the world. In reality, the entire world depends on light - the sun - to survive, and so this was a very neat poem idea to use. And the different lights that you used as we went through this person's life. Just wonderful. Even for a girl without a "Fort" in her name anymore, this was still really darn good. xD You are Is now, remember?
Okay, so your poem seems to have a lovely flow to it, and each line just seems to, erm, flow straight into the next without a slow in the pacing. These two lines, even though they are merely separated by a comma - and, therefore, just part of the same idea - don't really mesh together very well. I would suggest this to fix 'er up and keep that lovely flow you have:
Or something similar, so that your flow is maintained.
The second line is too wordy. None of them slipped off my tongue. It was just too many words to take in only one line. So maybe: while her youth explored the world or something similar? You would be able to do that so much better than I would.
technical: in-between
I think you could have done better at these two lines because the over-abundance of commas ruined the flow there. So perhaps you could do something with it and tweak the words so that it reads better. Maybe: Finally at peace, she draws her final breath. Maybe that would help?
One other small thing I noticed that I only saw once I became desperate for something to nitpick was that you flitted back and forth from present and past tense. Once you begin something in a certain tense, always, always stay in it. Otherwise, you look naïve and your work doesn't have the same amount of credibility as it had before. And, it isn't "professional" to have two different times running at the same time. hee-hee You probably already know this, because it has been over a year since you wrote this piece, but still. I shall still mention it, because it's part of this poem.
I think that is all I can say on this work, really. The ending was perfect - the incomplete, but so necessary lone sentence at the end giving the perfect dramatic final word... Hereafter was the perfect last thing in this poem. It made me think of heaven. Truly. Like looking out into that last sunset, and seeing the stars shining through. That was another beautiful moment. The last beauty of her world dazzling her wrinkled eyes. Lovely imagery in this piece as well, while you weren't making it the focus - but more like the story, which is nice to see.
I think I am done here... for now. hehe
~Darth Timmyjake
My apologies. Even with your amazing tutorship, my text language still fails miserably. But hehehe. I believe I may be even with you now.
The last line was PERFECT, it gives me a feeling that I want to be there, now, but I can't go there and this is SO brilliant from your poem, it was a pleasant read.
Also I like the line ''her final breath''. I think this poem goes about the dead and we always ask of there is live after the dead, but I think it is.
''A final sunset'' is so awesome, sorry but I couldn't find another word for it. I like this one a lot and I hope you put up some more poems, cause your poems are my favorite.
Dazzle
Hey Fortis,
This poem is absolutely amazing!
You used 'light' as a subject to show the various stages of life! Who would have even thought about that? You my friend are a genius!
i loved the last stanza
"The steady gleam of a final sunset.
Gorgeous colors dazzle her wrinkled eyes.
She, finally at peace, draws
her final breath."
This poem has a solid start and a wonderful end! Hats off!
Keep up the good work!
-- supernb
First of all... Hats off to your tremendous poem. It Really is AhMazin.
Its not always to use rhyming schemes. So i guess you had decided not use any rhymes in this poems.
Maybe you could change this lines a bit.
her final breath.
Gorgeous colors dazzle her wrinkled eyes
Looking into the unknown light hereafter.
Leaving nothing but her
and the ashes.
by which she eloped.
I Think you should draft this stanza
Car lights, stove flame,
phones, computers,
light bulbs, campfire,
all meaningless and dull.
While reading the poem.. I almost lost the taste of the poem.
Make it sound more poetic .
AnywAYS GREAT WORK :d
I like this a lot. I had never really thought about lights like this before now.This is really quite creative. I enjoyed how you used the light to tell the story of a girl from her birth to her peaceful death and all the occurrences in between. The imagery is very well mastered. Keep up the good work!
~Erie
Hey fortis long time no YWS
This was beautiful! I had never really thought about lights like this before =D very creative. I loved how you used the light to very vividly tell the story of a girl from her birth to her peacful death and all the happiness and tradgies in between. It really moved me. But, in the stanza with the three graves, I'm assuming that was her husband and two children who died in a fire? Tragic yet very good in this poem. Not much else I can really say to this effect...
Keep it up
~Speakerskat
Hello, fortis. GriffinClaw, here for duty!
First off, wow. This is a great poem! Such a creative idea to use lights to describe life events! I love how you compared some lights as being more meaningful than others. My favorite stanzas were the first and last. How creative!
"The glare of a doctor's light,
that was the first thing her eyes ever saw.
The first sense of the world around her,
like a wake-up call for life to begin."
I would never have thought to describe the first thing a baby saw as the doctor's light. I love how you described it as a wake-up call to life, hinting to the rest of the poem. However, I felt like the rhythm was a bit strange and didn't quite flow. I don't know how to correct that for you, but maybe you could practice reading it aloud and editing it to flow together better.
I loved the final stanzas;
"The steady gleam of a final sunset.
Gorgeous colors dazzle her wrinkled eyes.
She, finally at peace, draws
her final breath.
Looking into the unknown light hereafter."
Nice. I loved this, I felt that is flowed together very well and had great meaning behind it.
I think that the stanza,
"Car lights, stove flame,
phones, computers,
light bulbs, campfire,
all meaningless and dull."
Felt a bit thrown in there at random. I think the meaning behind it is good, but maybe you should find a way to fit it into the other stanzas without omitting it completely.
I have a question about,
"The quiet solace of candles
placed upon three little graves.
Bringing to light her sobbing face,
bringing comfort despite the irony of fire."
I loved the talk about the irony of fire, but I was confused. Who were the people in the graves? There were three. If there had only been two, I would have guessed her parents, but I had no idea who were in the graves, and why the fire was ironic. Is it because they died in a fire? Make that more clear.
This is a great poem, and you wrote it very well.
Continue writing and being amazing!
~GC
That stanza is referring to the stanza before with the fire. Her husband and her two children died in the fire, that's why she was left with nothing.
Thank you!
Okay, can I just say....
Fantastic.
WOW!?!?
thanks!