The noise was everywhere,
practically palpable.
It made waves,
and polluted the air we breathed.
We could see noise on the horizon.
We could see it from space.
If we concentrated hard enough,
we could feel the noise through our feet.
So we bombed the place,
to rid ourselves of the sound.
But the bomb only made more waves,
and more pollution,
and more vibrations through our feet.
So we shot the ones who had made the bomb,
because their action was useless.
That still did nothing to solve the noise,
so we shot the ones who had shot them.
And on it went until there was one,
who was left among all the rubble.
He was choked by the dust
and the shadows left behind,
but not before he was deafened
by silence.
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140,598 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Hey!
Ahh war-realated poetry is always so intresting.
You totally managed to give me a feeling of insecurity and yet the longing for power!
Also I really like that you showed the chain-reaction aspect of war with these lines:
,,So we shot the ones who had made the bomb,
because their action was useless.
That still did nothing to solve the noise,
so we shot the ones who had shot them.''
That was my favorite part! Their actions seemed so useless after all...
Keep on writing, I spot great talent!
-Sophiewrites
If I sum up the whole thing : ...they bombed each other till there was no one left
I can't help but relate the poem to the scenario of a war : the cause, the consequence and the fallout. The way the characters are in a mad rush to kill each other, is like a satire on war. The ending is almost like a warning:
I really liked it.
Hello Fortis,
This here is Magenta to review your poem I found which had one review. I would suggest that you not be so repetitive when you start your sentences. You start three lines with "so" and five lines with "and". The lines I thought seemed strange because the first letter of each line varied from capitalized to lowercase. This is a little bit distracting, although I know that it differs between each poet. I hope that you continue writing, but these were just things that O saw. This is a very unrealistic poem because I don't see how people can create and explode bomb feel sound waves, and see into space. Is the the abstract bit of the poem? Is this a poem that is a metaphor? I hope that you continue writing and enjoy the new year!
- Magenta
Hi Magenta, and thanks for the review!
I will agree that the how the lines start gets a little repetitive. On almost all of my poems, I only capitalize when it is proper to capitalize in prose: at the beginning of a sentence. Many poets differ on how they capitalize, and you can never tell what's intentional.
People can definitely create and explode bombs, they could *possibly* feel sound waves if they concentrated really hard in this alternate world, and they could definitely see into space and see the earth from space, because like our civilization today, they've achieved flight into space. But yes, the whole idea of having people upset over noise so far as to bomb the place feels a bit abstract.
I'm pretty sure it was somewhat a metaphor, but I'm not quite sure what that metaphor was. XD
Thanks again for your review!
Wow. I'm kinda blown away right now. The emotion was incredibly real, the imagery superb. The only nit-pick I have is the comma at the end of the third line. It wouldn't hurt to get rid of it. But that is the most optional thing in the world right now. It's just how I would have written it. Scratch that, I couldn't possibly write anything this good! Well done, and keep up the good work in the new year. ~Q