You want to cry yourself asleep
But you can’t cry
Your tears are spent,
Your eyes are dry.
You want to bang your head
Against the wall.
You want to jump.
You want to fall.
You want to be yourself
And be the way you are.
They say you must conform.
You must be up to their par.
I will listen to your cries
And save your head from the wall.
I promise to be there for you
When you begin to fall.
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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
I love this poem. The simplicity is a comfort. I feel like I wrote this myself. I have to say the rhyming is a little off though, but the quality of this is poem great.
I love the beginning of the poem, but towards the end of it the rhyming feels a little forced. The theme of the poem is a little unclear. Are you trying to break away from society? Or are you trying to help someone from hurting themselves? Also, there isn't much rhyming at the beginning and then it starts rhyming towards the end. It throws off the rhythm. I think it's a good poem, but there is some room for improvement.
I agree that the rhyme is pretty forced, but when I reviewed it, I decided that the rhyme added to my point, not take away from it. My point was that there's this person I know who's severely depressed, and I promised to be there for her when she needs me. If you'll take a second look, the rhyme is stable throughout, with as many rhymes in the beginning as in the ending.
Thanks for your review!
Okay, depending on your age how good this is,
Why does it depend on their age? It's a wonderful poem!
Well I did write this poem when I was younger, and I didn't change it...
Oh man. This is art in motion. This is a [bold] real [/bold] poem. This is what poetry is supposed to be like.
I looked again and again and yet again, but I could not find a single thing that I disliked about your poem. It is perfect.
The short, choppy statements broken up between the lines give the perfect feeling to this poem. The simple words paint an unblemished image, better than the best descriptive writer in the world can.
I understand how it feels to want to cry, but not have any tears left. This poem really has a good message, a strong moral, a straight backbone. Excellent job.
Keep Writing!
yubbies21
I couldn't have said it better!
Thank you for you compliments and your review!
Knight Malachi here to review for Knights of the Green Room.
So the rhythm of this was pretty good except in a few parts. Here they are.
1.
They say you must conform.
You must be up to their par.
That part just slows a tad. I was reading pretty fast because that's how I usually do, but I think it still adds just about 0.5 seconds too much longer per line. But not a big deal.
2.
I promise to be there for you
When you begin to fall.
Those lines seemed the same as the others. Not too slow, but it seems to just be a tad longer. But once again, not a big deal.
I liked the story. It seems like a poem in part about friendship, something I hold very dear and important.
Keep it up!
Thank you for your review! And I don't quite hear the change in pace for those lines, so we must just read it differently.
I'm guessing so.