Suffocating

Greetings and Salutations! It is I, yubbies, here to review this poem for you!

Excellent job! This, I'll have to say is a remarkable piece! I love it! My favorite part is the second stanza, talking about being pulled apart.

There’s not enough air,
It’s wasted on screams.
I’m beginning to tear,
Pulled apart by the seams.

Good Job....Simple lines with a good rhyme.....The place that I found quite disturbing is the third line in the second stanza..."I'm beginning to tear/ Pulled apart by the seams" , for me, it doesn't go with the flow...I know that to make it rhyme with air ( Which I assume) you have used the word "tear"...But when I read the next line I feel a breakdown of the lines..There is a disintegration between the two lines...If I were you, than I would have preferred to keep it simple, as "I'm beginning to tear/ Apart by the seams"...For me this would have connected the two lines...It would also give continuity to the rhythm of the poem...But, in totality of what you wanted to speak about, the feeling of suffocation, I would say that you have justified the title completely...This justification is fostered by the use of words with are intrinsic to the feeling of suffocation, such as - Tightness, flinch and specially the line " with no space to breathe"...Good job...keep writing

I always love your poems!
The things that I liked about this poem:
-The rhyming is really simple and nice
-you have some great images
-It's not to short and it's not too long
-You've accurately described the feeling of suffocation
-I like the title, It really has a lot to do with the poem.
My favorite line was "I’m beginning to tear/ Pulled apart by the seams."
Some things I didn't like as much:
-you had nice, ABAB patterns in all your stanzas except for the third one. It kind of threw me off. It's not too bad, but I would change it if I were you.
-I feel like your rhymes were a little forced in some places, like "all fears to conceive." It didn't sound natural to me.
-The final line ends in S! "Thing" does not! ;-; more rhyming problems, I know.
-I noticed you had the word 'till in there twice. I think that wouldn't have been so noticeable if you hadn't put the apostrophe on the front. Very minor, but I'm trying to help you in all they ways that I can.

I really liked the subject, and you obviously have skill. I can tell that from your other poems too. Great job, keep up the good work! You're doing fabulous.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.
I will try and give you a review, but this is going to be really challenging on my part. It's just sooo amazing.

So, sense I really have no idea where to start, I will just tell you what I saw in this poem and what I think about what I saw.

Right from the beginning, you pull the reader into this poem. A simple statement that pretty much sums up everything you have to say in this piece, but makes the reader immediately want to know more. And it wasn't even the entire sentence. Just one part "Life's begun to collapse".
And then the next bit gives the reader a hint of how it feels. Personally, I would have ended the sentence there. Instead you put a comma.
And then on top of that feeling you've given us you tell us a small bit of how it happen. Being pushed. But you don't tell us much. So we still yearn for more.
Then that last line in the first stanza just completely captivated me. Images of things to be feared running around in my mind. Everything from fire to horrible beasts.

I think you did wonderfully in putting "There's not enough air," right after making me in vision fire, without actually saying anything about fire. This stanza really intensifies the feeling of despair.

And then you bring in a new angle on the suffering. The tightening. It makes even me feel claustrophobic.
It was beautifully painted.

Now the last stanza. Everything has calmed. We have a hope of a happy ending. You show us that there is damage all around, but you don't tell us any more. So once again we are painting our own picture.
And that last line "With tears the world rings". You end the torment. But the damage is done. You don't tell us how things turned out for the POV person. So now we are left to wonder how they will recover from this.
It was truly one of the most beautiful endings I have seen in quite some time.

I think the most amazing part about this poem, is it has wonderful imagery, but never once do you describe what something looks or smells or sounds like. You just give us little hints, so we have to paint this ourselves. Which means that this will mean something different to every reader. And I think that's a good thing.


I hope this helped. I know I really didn't tell you much of anything to improve upon. But hopefully you will now have a better grasp on how your words effect your readers, so that in you next poem you can continue to gauge how much of what to give your readers as accurately as you did in this piece.

And once again, I must say this was truly beautiful. Something miserable has been made beautiful.
It is that ability that I will always strive to gain.

~WW

I really liked this poem, the words were all perfectly in place, the rhymes didn't seem forced which you see in a lot of poetry. The third stansa I liked the most, the four rhyming lines really stood out, as if the character didn't have much time to say what they needed and they were rushing for words, it also made me speed up when I read it.

I like the way the last line :-

"With tears the world rings."

Stopped that rhythm, it made me pause at tears as if there was a comma there. I don't know if it was intentional but it worked really well as a last line, all the way through had this pattern and feel to it and then you just disrupt it slightly, making the last line that more noticeable.

I do think that the Title needs changing though. Not that this is a major thing but the poem was described excellently and it would have been nice to read it and discover what was happening. The title sort of ruins that mystery. Other than that great job.

Hope this helps,

LMJ

This.Was.Beautiful.

I can't get over how well you captured the scene.

I really felt as if I was reading someone's thoughts, as they are suffocating.

very well done. I thought this was very well written.

Magnificent. Simply magnificent. It's just astounding how well you've captured the pain and struggle of suffocation that lasts only a few moments, into a few paragraphs. You just dug right into the little details, to make sure that reading the poem would almost bring one to feel they were actually choking, craving breath.

Favourite sentence:

"I’m beginning to tear,
Pulled apart by the seams."

This is a very vivid poem. You have used nice descriptive words, it captivates the reader. I could see the images because you have described it very well. Good job, I hope you keep writing as well as you are!

It's a very good poem. It's intense and captivates the reader with the poets feelings and would for some people arise empathy.