One foot always touched the ground when he ran.
Like he was afraid of running too fast and floating away.
I could see why he might be afraid: he floated often.
At times, he would stand as still as a tree,
staring at some unknown civilization millions of miles away.
Or he would close his eyes and smile absently at the sun.
Some days he'd find a park bench, or an especially soft patch of grass,
and just lie down and gaze at the clouds.
Yes, he often floated.
But he still kept that one foot on the ground.
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Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
That's actually quite beautiful.
However, close to the beginning, it doesn't have as much flow and meter as a poem does. I might look at that a bit more.
You've got some great imagery here.
You don't need a period at the end of the first line; since the second line begins with 'like' it's probably a part of the first sentence.
'civilization' doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem that well; doesn't have the same feel as the rest. I'd consider replacing it with something else, maybe 'worlds' or I don't know.
Other than that, it's a really good poem. Hope this review helps.
-tgirly
Titles are one of my weak points, for sure. I don't think there's necessary anything wrong with this title, but if you wanted to change it you could give it a title that uses that theme but words it differently than the rest of the poem. I'm not sure. Just a thought.
I don't really see anything "wrong" with what you have. I do not say that often. One picky item is the first two lines. I don't think they should be separate sentences; I think the first line should end with a comma. But that's not really important.
So yes, I really like what you have, right up to "clouds." However, to me this feels like half of a poem, at the most. You have a great running (no pun intended) start to a potentially great piece, but I felt like you stopped before you got to the meat of the thing. I felt like you were just about to say something, but you never said it. If you don't want to make it longer, make the meaning stronger. As much as I enjoy the overall simplicity and tranquility, the last line felt like you were stuffing the meaning down our throats quickly, just to get it in, and it came across like a huge cliche--"one foot on the ground." I think you have more to this than the generic "he has dreams, but stays practical" but you didn't give yourself enough room to say what else there is.
I love this!
Reminds me of myself a lot.
I like how you link the last two lines back to the beginning. I also enjoyed how the surface of the poem seems so simple yet there are hidden details and meanings that open up the imagination.
Everything flowed smoothly together and though the words you used in the poem were happy and light (tree, smile, sun, park bench, soft grass, clouds) I couldn't help but feel a little melancholy, which is good because it gives the peom depth. The way the boy/man is always wanting to be somewhere else, but he has to keep grounded otherwise he'll lose himself. I like that.
As for the title, how about just shortening it to 'A Foot On The Ground', or to be more precise 'One Foot On The Ground'. When I read the poem I kept thinking 'Dreamer' so maybe you could go with that? I dunno, just some suggestions xD
Good work and make sure to keep writing!