Young Writers Society

Hi, Umaima, I'm June,

You have a bit of creative ideas inside of this poem, which is excellent. I think there are a few things that could stand to be improved, however, so let's have a look:

• Repetition -- sometimes, repetition is a great literary device for poetry, but other times, when you have a limited amount of space to tell your audience about what you need to, it just holds you back. I say this because the space you use repeating yourself could instead be used to elaborate on one of the many great ideas you have here.

• Rhyme -- rhyme is one of my favorite and also my least favorite literary devices. It's my favorite because when it's done well, it contributes a rhythm and a degree of fun to the poem, but when it isn't paced well, it makes it feel like the poem is being forced. Here, I feel like this poem is being forced because you have to invent "extra" lines to complete a rhyme in a stanza, and more often than not, those lines do not contribute a greater idea to the poem.

• What are you trying to tell us? I understand that this is a poetic expose of life, which is great, but! What do you want us to take away from it? You inform of us of all of these life-ly attributes, but you don't elaborate much on what it means to be a part of them. I'd like to see some of that.

You're a writer with a lot of potential. Keep writing, and happy review day,

June

First of all applause to the wonderful poem you have just written..
I really liked the last two lines ..
You had one spelling mistake you wrote bussiness instead of business.
It might have been typing mistake but just correcting that.
I Didnt get the rhyme scheme you have used here..
If your rhyming a poem either it should be of the form
A
B
A
B

OR
A
A
B
B

I think you already know that but still letting you know that.
A poem does not always mean that you have to rhyme it but if your rhyming it then you need to do that for the entire thing not just some lines and then leaving the other lines.
For Example, You have matched worms and tombs, hell and well, ask and task, dark and bark, but in the first two stanza's you did not do .
Anyways Great Work..

Wow! this is really great! But one part: "and a bright moond in the end." is moond a typo? I kind of lost the beat to the words when I hit that and I paused to reread to see what disturbed my rhythm. Overall, This is very original! even though a lot of people write on this topic, but so far yours is my favorite! Keep writing!!

well umaima........it's a wonderful poem......nyc........keep it up!

This is a very impressive poem. It portrays the fact that you control how your life will be and no one else can control that. It also has an essence of a quote that I love so much: "There are no endings, only new beginnings." I don't know who made it so I can't give credit to that person. There are some minor spelling errors. Like you mispelled moon at the end of the third stanza. And let me put my opinion in there, but personally, I like to have my poems be short and sweet and I like to have the readers dig for the message I am trying to convey. The problem with that is that some people don't dig deep enough or they are digging in the completely wrong spot. So, what you have done here in your competition poem is really great. It makes me think about what I should be doing with my life besides making poems.

Your ending needs its own theme song .
pretty good
great statement leaving people speechless

I enjoyed this