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Love chapter 4

by umaima


Chapter 4

Suzan

“Ah, my head” I murmured “Where am I?”

“In my room, where else could you be? Nobody will even think about kidnapping a girl who is as unattractive as you” Okay totally rude… I heard a boy’s voice, my vision was still a little blurred. When I could see clearly again, I saw Frank sitting beside me…Wait I am in his room…oh gosh. I got up with a hurry but gave up the thought of getting up as I felt a sharp pain in my stomach “Ouch” I cried

“Unattractive and a crybaby” He said mockingly

“I am not” was all I could say, I felt like I was out of words that time and defending myself would only make the argument longer and longer because none of us would give up on it…

“Why am I in your room? Couldn’t you take me in mine or wait! For instance have you fallen for me?” I laughed and asked

“Fallen in love…please…keep dreaming crybaby”

“Crybaby? I am not a crybaby you little…little…” Okay I might not be the best at giving nicknames but I got this one “Zombie man” Opps this was horrible too

“Zombie-man?” and he started laughing heartily “By the way your room was not usually opened before so it has some door issues…I tried opening it but that only made things worse”

“Worse?” I eyed him

“Your foot…I kind of, hit it hard while trying to open and…” He didn’t need to say anymore. I looked down at my foot and realized it…It had a bruise…Oh great my first rule broken

*Suzan’s RULE NO.10: Never let anyone hurt you physically because mentally you always get hurt*

…I was just going to get over with 17 years of not breaking my 10 most valuable rules and he totally ruined it. Ah!

“Hey! Zombie I am going to kill you” I shouted and as I stood up I tripped again

“ouch” I gave a loud cry

“Here let me help” And he helped me sit on his bed again. “Today the carpenter will come and fix that door so till then you can be in my room, Just till then. Actually to be more specific, just till I return from school. You can’t walk and you are too heavy to carry so…” I grinned and interrupted him “I am only 49 kgs”

“Yeah and I don’t care. Anyways stay here and don’t touch anything” And saying this he got up and headed towards the door “The doctor already checked on you and your medicines plus water is on your right, mobile on the left and one more thing I messaged mom and she will be here soon. Try to walk out of my room before I return and ask mom or the maid for help. Mom’s room is locked right now but you can always sit on the couch. The entertainment room is downstairs and I ordered some pizza for you which is in the microwave. I set the maid’s no on your speed dial- 7 and my no. is on 8. If something happens call me and if you need something, call the maid. Even if that is walking or anything else because you might just end of getting more hurt if you walk without support. Now am I clear?”

Oh god such a perfectionist…irritating much “Yes mommy you are. Are you done?” I asked with despair in my tone wishing to hear a yes.

“No” he said. What more... “And I am sorry”

 Is that all…wait…“Did you just…apologize?”

“Bye” and he rushed out of the room with a thud. Wow! Now that, Was something. A guy, not to mention that guy being Frank, just apologized… to me. I am not going to let this go for a long time. And a long time is really really long.

I looked around his room. It was amazing. The colour combination was mostly black and dark blue and everything was perfectly arranged. So perfectly that, not even a pencil was to be seen anywhere but in it’s holder. Wow! This guy really is a perfectionist. There was a French window which led to the balcony and guess what, his balcony was right next to mine. They were so close that I could actually move to my balcony by only making a little effort. Creepy.  He really was right. I couldn’t walk without support so I called the maid and she helped me to the balcony. The weather was really amazing today. It was a calm wind that blew on a clear sky. Neither hot nor cold. Just warm and comforting…

I went back inside with the maid’s help and headed towards his study table. I was just curious what he kept inside those draws.

“I bet you wouldn’t want to go through that dear, he might eat you alive if he comes to know” The maid said chuckling to herself. She was a nice lady in her 40s and looked comparatively young though.

“Don’t worry, he will get an indigestion if he does that” and I joined her in her laugh. I opened the first draw and started calling out the names of the things “books, notes, important files, things to remember, My diary, pens, stuff to do, my timetable…wait a second…My diary…His diary…he writes diaries…that’s soo….so..exciting. I took it out and tried opening it but gosh even his diary was so stiff. It had a code on it, can you imagine that, a diary with a no. code. He really is something. The maid stood there staring at me.

Yeah, I know that looking through others stuff is probably a very bad thing to do but he was different. This was Frank. The guy whose room I always wanted to check since I was 9, though I didn’t know his name then and also where he lived plus I didn’t feel anything for him now. But it was something I always wanted to do, so I did it.

 But I felt bad though. I shouldn’t do this, I thought and kept the diary inside, as it was kept before. (Also his diary had a lock and I couldn’t open it so I had no choice…but don’t judge me on that ;)) Later, I thought. Someday I will surely read it but not now.

As I pushed the draw inside and went near the bed again I saw “Underworld” kept on one of the racks. That was like my favorite book and without hesitating I took that, laid on the bed wearing his blanket and ordered the maid to come after some time. Of course it felt really uneasy. His bed smelled of his cologne though it was quiet nice I would say, but still made me more uncomfortable.

As I was going to open the first page of the book a voice interrupted me “Oh gosh, Suzan are you alright?” It was Angelina “Frank told me you were sick and you got hurt.”

“Don’t worry aunt, it’s just a sprain and I guess I have a little fever and nothing else” i said smiling at her

“Really? Oh! Frank sounded so panicked when he called me. How are you now?”

“Much better” I replied

“So tell me did something happen between both of you?” She asked teasingly

“Sorry, I didn’t get you” I replied having no idea where this conversation was heading to

“You know like, you are the first girl he let in his bed room, are you both by chance date….”

“NO” I interrupted “Of course not, my room was jammed and yours was locked so he brought me here” I said strengthening my defenses up

“Really, but he could have gone to the other guest room” she whispered and it felt like she was talking to herself “Anyways” she said, finally looking at me “Forget about it and come with me to have breakfast”

“Aunt” i said stopping her “I really need to go to college today, it’s my best friend’s birthday and we are kind of holding the party in the cafeteria so can I get a driver or something. Mom didn’t allow me to have my personal when she left me here”

“Sure dear, well not a driver though as he is still with Paul but Mason will drop you”

“Mason?” I asked confused (pronounced as mai-son)

“He is Frank’s friend and our neighbor. I bet he still might be sleeping, I know since birth and you know he is really a sleepyhead” and she laughed while I just smiled at it.

 “But are you sure you will be alright?” she asked and I nodded.

After breakfast Aunt helped me get down the stairs and to the driveway where I saw a brown hair guy coming out of the McLaren MP4-12C spider. Not that impressive though. He had big blue eyes and wore black velvet jacket on top of a black shirt with tight black jeans and some chains in his neck. After looking at him the only thing I could think of was ‘Is he really going to college or some freaks party’ as I examined him from head to toe, he came towards aunt and asked “So I heard I had to drop a girl, Is she hot?”

Angelina laughed and looked at me, I smiled at her back and said “Hey Mason”

“So she is the girl” he sounded rather disappointed, oh come on I am not unattractive, people have my posters on their lockers “Aren’t you the girl who totally knocked out Frank’s reputation last year. Wow! No wonder why Frank didn’t say you anything, you are one hot girl”

“Now, mason I am still here so bother minding your language” Angelina interrupted while I tried to cover my blush. At least now I don’t feel the unattractive insecurity but I do feel embarrassed “Mason, better take care of her and Suzan, Ria is coming with you and she will stay the whole time with you for supporting and helping you” she continued

I smiled and sat at the front seat with mason while Ria (The maid) came in another car after greeting Angelina.

The whole way we spoke about random things like what he did and what frank usually did, etc.

“So this is your stop! which class are you in?” he asked after parking the car in the parking lot of my college.

“Main: Business” I said

“I am in medicine; if you ever need to speak to a friend you can always look for me”

"Medicine?"I asked surprised. He certainly didn't look like the studious types and medicine class needed an A in all subjects....

"Things you have to do for your girlfriend" he said and I chuckled. That explains it...

“Anyways Thanks, I sure will use that advantage someday” I said to him and left

It was quite embarrassing walking the way I was, being helped by my maid but it was worth it. I had specifically only 2 best friends who truly cared about me and missing their birthdays would only have been ungrateful of me. I went towards the business section; my college was the biggest among all the others in the country. It had different sections, clubs and everything which includes studies and entertainment. It was like a campus. We always needed a car or a bike inside it. ‘Business section A, business section B, oh here it is’ I said to myself as I read it “Business section C”

The class had already started, as I entered I tried to mend in but that was impossible “And what makes you come late on the first day Miss. Richards” said the teacher standing just in front of me. BUSTED

“I broke my foot in the middle of the way” I said creating an excuse which more or less sounded true. I had to lie, no choice. It was Mrs. Lameor or more like Mrs. Lameness…she never left a chance to insult me, my life’s devil who didn’t leave it this year too. She has been my CT since 4 years now and got promoted with me every year. This is what actually bad luck is.

“Go and sit miss. Richards, today is your lucky day”  I could do was bulge my eyes out by staring, there was no place empty except one and guess what I couldn't believe when I looked there....Frank sat beside it....he is in my class too and today I will have to sit with him...aaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhh…Could this day get any worse? I mean come on…I don’t want to be with Zombie the whole year…

----------------------------

proofread- check, punctuation-check, submit- check


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303 Reviews

Points: 11152
Reviews: 303

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Sun Mar 31, 2013 11:28 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



I never knew you were quite so good at writing! This was frankly, quite good! I enjoyed it, it read easily! I would say that it isn't original, but for some reason I keep feeling that there's going to be something original about it coming up!

Spelling:

proofread- check, punctuation-check, submit- check


You missed something. Spelling. You have very few mistakes really, and most of them are little things, mainly not capitalizing the right words. You have 'frank's and 'miss's when they should be 'Frank's and 'Miss's. Otherwise your spelling is great!

Grammar:
I think I would safely bet that English is not your first language, though I'm not sure. However, your grammar is good! In my quick read over I wasn't able to find many mistakes other than little things, things like using 'no.' instead of number and 'kgs' instead of kilograms. . . . Those are easy to fix though. Emoticons and abbreviations don't really fit into books.

Style:
Good, there's not much more to say about it! It's just plain good! Not awesome, not bad, but good! :)

Plot:
I'm not sure why but I still feel myself thinking that there's something original coming on here! I don't know what and I don't know why, but I still feel that there's going to be something good and new in here! Do not disappoint me!

Overall: Awesome!

Keep writing!

~Black~




umaima says...


black English is my first language...but I really ain't great at it :(...and I won't disappointing you :P



User avatar
81 Reviews

Points: 10056
Reviews: 81

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Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:55 pm
Deadman wrote a review...



Deadman here for your review. I would have gotten to this sooner but I have been rather busy. I still love where this story is going and anticipate every chapter, but you have to take your time while writing. You said you've already proofread, and I'll take your word for that. Now time to slam you with the bad stuff.

Now I've barley made it through the first paragraph and I'm already seeing an error. You've managed to put the wrong word into your sentence making it confusing for anyone who couldn't improvise and put in the right word. Here it is right here,

"Okay totally rude… I heard a boy’s voice, my vision was still a little blurt." You've used the word blurt, but this can't be right. How can your vision say something suddenly, that they had not meant to say? I think you meant to used the word blurred.

My next little nitpick would be this, "“Today the mechanic will come and fix that door so till then you can be in my room, Just till then." A mechanic works with machinery. I'm not sure that a mechanic is ideal for this, the only thing that seems ideal and comes to my mind is a carpenter.

This has me confused, "I grinned and interrupted him “My weight is only 49” I don't know what measuring system you use, but could you clarify it? If it's pounds, that is way to unhealthy. If it's kilograms that's okay I guess, but I'm in the America's so I wouldn't know if that's a good sounding weight.

This sentence kind of dies at the end, as in it sounds funky. "“The doctor already checked on you and your medicines plus water is on your right, mobile on the left and one more thing I messaged mom and she will be here in sometime." I think it would sound better if you would have written “The doctor already checked on you and your medicines plus water is on your right, mobile on the left and one more thing I messaged mom and she will be here soon." Simple edit a couple of changed words.

This could use some work it flows awkwardly. "There was a French window which leaded to the balcony and guess what, his balcony was right next to mine. " Try changing leaded to led.

"The weather was really amazing today, I figured." This feels out of place, and adding the "I figured" at the end made it really weird.

"His bed smelled of his perfume though it was quiet nice I would say, but still made me more uncomfortable." If he is a guy I don't think he would be using perfume, he would probably be using cologne.

"“Don’t worry aunt, it’s just a sprint and I guess I have a little fever and nothing else” i said smiling at her" Capitalization, also i think you meant sprain not sprint.

"I bet he still might be sleeping, I know him from birth you know he is really a sleepyhead” and she laughed while I just smiled at it." This is interesting, try this. " I bet he still might be sleeping, I've know him since birth, and you know he is really a sleepyhead” and she laughed while I just smiled at it." Not a great change but enough to get it flowing better.

Overall I liked it, but it has errors. More errors than normal. Do not get disheartened by this though. Use it as a chance to build and became a better writer. Through out the story there were capitalization issues, way to many for me to list. I think it could be proofread two or three more times. When you proofread do not skim it, or speed through it. Take your time and analyze every sentence and ask yourself if this makes sense. I really do hope to see more of this story, but do not rush it! Slow down and take your time with your writing.

Anyway this wraps up my review. I know I always state this, but the above is my opinions and thoughts, you do not have to take them seriously, or follow them. They are just there to help you grow as a writer. I hope to see more from you and I enjoy watching you improve with each chapter. Carry on and write strong!

Cheers!,

Deadman




umaima says...


Oh, i didn't know i had sooo many errors. i need to proofread things a hundred times before submission.. Anyways thanks deadman, you really helped. And if I don't take these suggestion seriously then it's going to be tough becoming a famous writer, so for now I will go with them ;)...thanks again for your time



Deadman says...


Anytime, I'm enjoying the story so my time is yours.



umaima says...


:D




constant state of confuzzle
— Quillfeather