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142,234 Literary Works • 677,062 Reviews
Hi! Sorry about the delay – works had me held up a lot recently, but here I am to review
Fragmentation and Obvious Errors
The first thing which stands out to me is you need to proof read! You've got some really obvious errors like 'a thought stuck my mind' which I'm sure was meant to be struck and the fragmentation in this piece is breaking your flow. Let's look at the first stanza as an example:
The last line is the most obviously awkward but the stanza as a whole is jerky and snaps from one thought to the next, with no smooth transitions in between. You've also got a lot of 'filler' words which are there to pad out the lines and are dragging on what you have to say. In poetry and lyrics, we don't get a lot of words to use and the verses are so compact that it quickly becomes obvious when a word is doing nothing but filling a spce.
Now I'm not always the best at explaining what's wrong or how to fix something, so instead I'm going to try to show you. Here's a few changes I'd make to improve the flow of this:
Drifting off in the back of the class
as the teacher prattles on without a clue.
I'm getting bored, I'm getting so damn bored
and I gotta think of what to do.
If you compare the two, you can see that by using implosive language, such as 'drifting' or 'prattles' it gives the lyrics a stronger sense of rhythm and volume. And instead of filling gaps, it's adding in details to engage with the audience.
Content
I like the idea you've got here and I like how it starts out one way, then flips back on itself. But you need a stronger lead in. Why does this girl start thinking these thoughts? I want to understand what's going on in her head. Does her eyes land on the class clown who's guffawing like an idiot and spit-balling paper at the girl in front of him? What sets her off on this train of thought whereby she thinks boys need to act better?
In lyrics, people want the story. It's good to let them infer a few things, but give them a strong foundation of details to work from. Names are good. Settings, events. All of these things you find in novels have a place in lyrics as well.
I'd also like to see more imaginative ideas of what a person would do as a boy. There are so many ways you could go with this, and I'd love to see a few humorous or silly entries, like pissing standing up, or writing your name in the snow with your pee. Some actual crazy stuff to support the more serious statement that she would treat girls right.
Overall
This was pretty fun, but there's a lot more you could do with it! If you clean up the verses and spend more time on it, you could have some really cool lyrics here. I'd like to see a stronger ending, something more than 'well that's five minutes wasted' because this is something most people think about at one time or another and while it's good that she concludes she'd lose a lot, I think there's still always going to be a little of that wistfulness. That kind of 'I like what I have, it's true, but- what if?' attitude which people have to life.
Thanks for the read and I'll review the others soon!
Heather xx
hey rydia (again
)
really glad that you pointed out my mistakes and will be sure to correct them whenever possible...after I edit this piece I will surely make sure to inform you about it
"I thought what could I actually do"
Howdy Umaima, Dogs here with your review again as requested. Ok, whenever you have dialogue or thinking or thoughts going around in the narrator's or characters head. Put them in quotations and in italics. Or just italics, whatever you deem necessary.
"lightening and thunder in the sky"
This line sounds a tad bit awkward, try saying "with lightening and thunder in the sky..."
"I wound never break anyone's heart"
Hey now, getting into some absurd stereotypes here! No it's ok I'm just joking, the absurdity of your writing gives it a nice air of humor. Also, put a comma after "heart."
"I would do all the crazy stuff"
This is you describing what you'd do if you were a boy and that you'd do all the crazy things you couldn't do as a girl. But to the reader, what those are is unclear, try to describe some little things that you'd do. Add in a little more comic edge to this piece.
During the rap, it's important to use rhyme. "too" and "room" don't really rhyme smoothly. Try to make that bit a little stronger. Nice edge to add in though.
"would be as angry as an angry bird"
I understand why you put this in here, but it really doesn't make that much sense. Try to clarify these comic punch lines.
Cute piece, definitely one of the better of yours that I've read. It's smooth and has a funny edge to it, well done. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
thanx tucker
This has a similar theme/subjuct to beyonce's song! lol
yeah I got that....but I really didn't know
anyways I made it for run and I had run making it (that's what matters)
Heya there Unaima!! Welcome to YWS!! I think this piece is nice!! It seems so fun and carefree, like your thinking about being a boy, but you don't really care.
) I think a lot of people will find this to be a good song. I would love to see and hear where you can go with it from here. Keep going!!!
Because there's already a song name If I Were A Boy, this was hard to read. I know you didn't incorporate any of Beyonce's stuff in there, but it feels almost like I've heard nearly everything in that song......... sorry!
The first few lines seem almost too familiar, ESPECIALLY because you started of with "right now". I'm sure there are loads of other things you could put in to make it a bit more intriguing.
One thing that made it confusing(just from the written point of view) is the lack of labels. I understand that you have verses and little bits that you rap, but I wasn't sure what the chorus was. Then you said "(back to chorus)" and I thought "But what IS the chorus?"
Also the fact that you switch around so much from the normal singing bits to a chorus to rap to chorus to singy bits....... huh? I think it's cool that you have a rap because it's now. In loads of songs there are raps and they open your song up to a wider audience.But, I think one long rap would have fit in better. Or you could have made all the verses (and label them toooo) raps, and then had a singy chorus.
Buuuuut, beside my review (sorry if it sounded harsh, I really do like your song!!
p.s I love that you came to the conclusion that you love who you are as a girl. You are an unique person and you shouldn't trade that for ANYTHING!!
SkyeJanexxx
I didn't know beyonce had a song like that...never heard it too...this was just something I imagined and put it into a song.....thank you for your review, and I am really pleased to know that you like it
by the way my name in Umaima not unaima lol
Glad I could help and oops sorry! Umaima...ok I've got it!!