Hi! Sorry about the delay – works had me held up a lot recently, but here I am to review
Fragmentation and Obvious Errors
The first thing which stands out to me is you need to proof read! You've got some really obvious errors like 'a thought stuck my mind' which I'm sure was meant to be struck and the fragmentation in this piece is breaking your flow. Let's look at the first stanza as an example:
Right now, sitting in the class room
I thought what could I actually do
boring, gettting so damn bored now
I thought to think something new
The last line is the most obviously awkward but the stanza as a whole is jerky and snaps from one thought to the next, with no smooth transitions in between. You've also got a lot of 'filler' words which are there to pad out the lines and are dragging on what you have to say. In poetry and lyrics, we don't get a lot of words to use and the verses are so compact that it quickly becomes obvious when a word is doing nothing but filling a spce.
Now I'm not always the best at explaining what's wrong or how to fix something, so instead I'm going to try to show you. Here's a few changes I'd make to improve the flow of this:
Drifting off in the back of the class
as the teacher prattles on without a clue.
I'm getting bored, I'm getting so damn bored
and I gotta think of what to do.
If you compare the two, you can see that by using implosive language, such as 'drifting' or 'prattles' it gives the lyrics a stronger sense of rhythm and volume. And instead of filling gaps, it's adding in details to engage with the audience.
Content
I like the idea you've got here and I like how it starts out one way, then flips back on itself. But you need a stronger lead in. Why does this girl start thinking these thoughts? I want to understand what's going on in her head. Does her eyes land on the class clown who's guffawing like an idiot and spit-balling paper at the girl in front of him? What sets her off on this train of thought whereby she thinks boys need to act better?
In lyrics, people want the story. It's good to let them infer a few things, but give them a strong foundation of details to work from. Names are good. Settings, events. All of these things you find in novels have a place in lyrics as well.
I'd also like to see more imaginative ideas of what a person would do as a boy. There are so many ways you could go with this, and I'd love to see a few humorous or silly entries, like pissing standing up, or writing your name in the snow with your pee. Some actual crazy stuff to support the more serious statement that she would treat girls right.
Overall
This was pretty fun, but there's a lot more you could do with it! If you clean up the verses and spend more time on it, you could have some really cool lyrics here. I'd like to see a stronger ending, something more than 'well that's five minutes wasted' because this is something most people think about at one time or another and while it's good that she concludes she'd lose a lot, I think there's still always going to be a little of that wistfulness. That kind of 'I like what I have, it's true, but- what if?' attitude which people have to life.
Thanks for the read and I'll review the others soon!
Heather xx
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
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