Pain

Hmm, Hello, I'm here to review~

So this poem is something between a really angry rant and a love letter. Reading it out loud, it's really easy to put emotion into the inflection, but I feel like it could have been more emotional if you took some of it out, and simplified it a bit. For instance, you have at least two stanzas, maybe even three, talking about the last stanza when really, the last stanza says it perfectly. There's no need for the precursor of kill me or save me, when in reality, just the choice is yours to let me die or pull out the knife is enough to get the point across. You do similar things to start out the poem. So in other words, I think you've got a good poem in here, but you need to take out some of it.

Why I feel this will make the poem stronger is because the point only needs to be made once. Meshing together how much your speaker loves him and how much your speaker hates him instead of this divided, this is how much I love you, this is how much I hate you, is going to really bring the feelings forward due to contrast. Just be careful not to take out enough that we don't know it's the same person.

Aside from that, take out stanzas that the rhyme didn't work well. You have enough ground covered here, that you can start cutting away the rough edges. For instance, stanzas 9 and 11 have really obvious rhymes that sound very forced. Being able to take out those stanzas is going to let it read much smoother.
Overall, I think this poem needs a little more love. You're getting close, but there's too much here to get one clear concise idea without reading it a few times. You have a really good ability to read this with a lot of feeling in this poem, so take out what's messing with that, like forced rhymes, poor syntax, and errors.

Hey! I liked the concept, love is always fun to mess with in writing. Your structure is spot on, and I knew it would be because of what you mentioned in the review you gave me.

Just a few errors; "Dessert" is "Desert" and "you'r" is "you're" but they are little mistakes that are easily fixed.

Also, this might just be me, but I feel like you could cut it down just a tiny bit. But that aside, splendid job, and only trust the advice I've given you if you feel it's really beneficial.

Legy.

Hi umaima! Here to review your poem

A few to get things started!

Was you'r your arms in which

The choice is yours

This was breath-taking! I really enjoyed it. You've really shown the pain and conflict of a girl, implying the idea everyone of us have gone through this pain at some stage in our lives. We can all relate to it, and that's what I like about this. It's simple, yet very meaningful. Your poem had no errors in the way it's layed out, just some minor grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors.

I've put the changes I've made in the brackets [].

Today when I closed my eyes[,]
[t]he only thing that came [to] my mind[,]
[w]as [your] arms in which[,]
I forever wanted to hide[.]

The pain in me could never have gone worse[.]
It felt like [I] was dying
[b]ecause of my thirst[.]

[The] thirst to make you
Forever mine[.]
My will to be
[f]orever fine[.]

These are the few changes I've made. If you'd like me to point out the errors in the rest of the poem as well, do tell me.
You don't have to follow my suggestions. I've just given you the points where I think you went wrong.

Good luck, and keep writing!

hey umaima.
please put the punctuation in it and other than that this piece is fantastic...oh I am firefighter and I will be reviewing your work today!

So I read the poem and I would rate it a 9.5/10 as it didn't have punctuation but other than that it was amazing and very enjoyable. I could feel the pain the character describes here and understand it too....keep writing

Firefighter

Hey! So it's me- Asma and i would like to review your poem today as it was really good piece of work.

So to start off with, i liked the rhythm of it and could actually feel the pain you tried to convey.

The way you the Questions you asked and the Choices you gave to the one with whom you acquainted was really decent and good.

The thing to which you have to look up to is the capitalization in the last 4 stanzas and punctuation in all of them. (think you felt lazy but a good effort though)

Overall good, and all the best for future write-ups!!!

Hi umaima.

I read this poetry piece and I must say it is quite good. I can relate to myself feeling the same way in the past. That is probably one of the reasons why I like it.

I loved the part where you said: "The ground below me is shaking, the sky above me is breaking." Very inspiring.

Quick tip, punctuation and capitalization plays an important role in writing. Don't forget it.

Good luck, and keep it up!

- Bianca

Hi there, umaima.

I'm here to review, as I promised. I noticed the format is going weird on this post, so I will ignore that in order to give you a review instead of a comment.

Okay, so I like what you're expressing in this piece; ambivalence. I think a lot of people can relate to this subject once or twice in their lives (okay, more xD), but the point is that gives you advantage as a writer, so that's good. I feel like this poem has a lyrical rhythm, and I think that's what kept me reading. However, and I'm going to be very picky here, I noticed that some of your I's are not capitalized. When you use the letter I as a pronoun, it should always be capitalized because... someone decided that's the correct way to do it. xD But the important thing here is that using proper grammar (like~ being a grammar freak!) can give you advantage as a writer, because people won't see you as another writer, they will start seeing you as a writer.

And there's my grain of sand. Thanks for sharing, and I hope we can chat some time. ^__^

~GeeLyria

Hi there! I'm going to give you a quick review! First off, organization is very important! Make sure you space out your piece in paragraphs. Most people will be leery to read a giant block of text since it seems intimidating. When it's spaced out, it seems more friendly.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but in the first line alone you have multiple grammatical errors. For example: "Today when I closed my eyes The only..." <-- In this case, you would put a comma in between eyes and the, telling you that there is a pause here. Also you would make the T a lower case.

Since this is a poetry piece, you definitely need to put it into stanzas. I can feel the emotion that you flow into your words, but with everything blocked together it really pulls away from the emotion. Your sentence structures could use a little work, but overall I think this is a great piece.

I hope that some of my advice helped and that you keep submitting work! If you have any questions feel free to PM me or leave a message on my wall!

Keep On Writing!!!

--Jalmoc

I suggest you separate your verses and such. The large paragraph is slightly daunting! I enjoyed the piece, but some of the lines just seemed slightly awkward, such as;

I'm not your friend, nor your enemy

I'm not positive why, but that line seemed to break the flow a bit. Honestly, an averagely written poem. It's not terribly exciting or captivating; thus I suggest you work on more creative and enthralling language. Thanks for sharing, keep on writing! Good luck!