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Love Chapter 7

by umaima


Chapter 7

When we reached home, I ran upstairs in a hurry. Jade’s party… I opened my ‘new’ wardrobe and surfed through the dresses. After the awful hours I spent in cleaning the audi, because of Frank, and then getting it all ruined again, I decided I have to take a break but then the I got reminded by my not-so-useful-brain that I had a party to attend, not any party that is, Jade’s 18th BIRTHDAY party.

“Not this one, it’s too blue, this one’s too girly, no ways ‘m I wearing this, too short” I mumbled to myself throwing my clothes on the bed. I usually am the mess making types. I suck at this. Every time there is a party, I spend hours in only deciding the dress. It doesn’t take much time to do the makeup, hair and decide the right shoes, at least not more than 2 hours. I am not really the party types. I always get forced in them though. It was always either mom’s ‘classy’ parties where she said she wanted me to look like ‘her’ daughter and I had to wear some ‘stupid’ kind of dresses which neither did I like nor did I ever want to wear because they were so uncomfortable or tight or short or sometimes too girly, I mean the kiddish girly or it was my friend’s birthday parties and get-togethers. I can handle get-togethers though. Not the most social person here, it’s always fixed friends, fixed enemies, fixed places to visit… and the list goes on.

After exactly 25 minutes 36 seconds of complete time waste, I decided to go with skinny, torn black jeans and a funky white top. I curled my hair and tied them up in a pony because it’s not really me to keep them open besides it’s not worth the uncomfortableness caused by it. I took a pair of black earings which went perfectly with the dress and the best pair of boots I had and wore them, fixing my dress after every second. And then for the final touch put on as many rings as I wanted to and a watch in my left hand. I did wear my black gym shirt because it gave a shade of black to my top. Yeh, I love black but I don’t really dress like this every day, trust me.

I stepped out of my room, carefully examining the passage and was relieved to see no sign of Frank. Slowly and quietly I made my way towards the door and once I was out, I called Jack.

Jack is one of my best friend’s. I know him since primary school and maybe that is the reason we both are the closest among our friends. Like in-separately close. In these few days I couldn’t meet him as he had gone out of station for some work but was back now, obviously for Jade’s birthday.

Jack’s a Blondie with perfect Hazel eyes and he’s pretty thin but macular. He is the eldest amongst us as he turned 18 last year. He answered his phone, fortunately and I asked him to pick me up from Frank’s house, weird how he said he knew the address when I was going to give it to him.

After about 5 minutes I heard a muscular and strong but familiar voice behind me. Not Frank, no way.

“Oh my God, Suzanna you are… still you” the voice said. As soon as I turned back, I found a grinning Jack with a tuxedo on, examining every inch of my body. Talk about embarrassing.

“Very funny” I teased back, walking towards him. I must say my best friend was one of the hottest guys on earth and I was one of the proudest person to have him as one.

“Man, you look… you” he said. Jack was going to ask Jade ‘out’ today. And though it sounds weird as they have been the bestfriends type till now, I always thought they were perfect for each other.

“I will just ignore your comment and bet that you wouldn’t want to be late on this big day” I said. I am just so excited for them. I feel like to fly there right now and ask Jade a few things.

“Oh yeah, I am just waiting for Frank” he said. Wait, did he just say what I thought he did. Frank?

“Frank?” My heart beat rose as I saw Frank come out of the house dressed up all hunky. He wore tight blue jeans with a blue shirt and black jacket on. Wow, what a sight. His hair that fell on his forehead totally worked with the small Grin on his face. Talk about perfection.

“Done checking me out?” he asked; now even he was grinning. What is up with all the boys?

“No… I mean yes…agh..I don’t mean it that way…I wasn’t checking you out” I stumbled, Stupid, retarded mind. Both the guys chuckled, so much for my reputation.

“Let’s just skip to the part where you guys explain me how you know each other” I said. Please, let’s do that or else I would turn into a tomato in some time. I don’t usually blush but here I am, blushing. Which, to tell you the truth, is pretty embarrassing.

“Oh, Jack works in my father’s office and we happened to meet each other there and became real good friends.” Frank said “I never knew he was your friend too”

“Yeah, same thing here… same thing” I murmured. After all that happened today I just wanted to relax a bit and all I get is Frank’s company everywhere. Why is this world so small?

“Let’s go now or we will be late” Jack said finally breaking the silence. Jade’s house was quite far from Frank’s. We both, as in me and Frank, agreed with him and we followed him in his car. Frank was apparently not taking his car because there had been some emergency and Aunt had to take his, I came to know while we were on our way. I put my head phones on and rested my head on the seat which was very comfy, closing my eyes. It was going to be a long drive as Jade’s house was like in the middle of a forest. The next moment I knew, I had fallen asleep.

“Suze, Suze get up” some voice shouted

“I don’t want to, I have to help Dora the explorer get to the mountain” I said in a sleepy tone.

“Look, swiper is trying to steal the map”

“Swiper no swiping” I shouted and woke up with a jerk in my nerves. Oh, someone shoot me now. Please shoot me, please. I found Frank laughing heartily.

“Dora? Really?” he continued laughing.

“If you don’t want to end up in a hospital then you better move.” I was still sitting inside the car while he was leaning inside. Ah, I shouldn’t have slept. He stopped leaning, and I quickly stood up almost hurting my head. I started heading inside, angry and embarrassed. Where on earth did Jack go? Frank at once caught hold of me and pulled me back.

“What now?” I asked angrily, he was all red because of the intense laughing.

“Jack left because he was in a hurry, he went to look for Jade” he said. He was now so close that I could feel his breathe touching my skin. He smirked once again “Though I hate you and all, but I have to admit you look amazing today”

My mouth hung open. Did Franklin Emeric Collins just say that I was beautiful, not that I care but he still did. I mean it was like the least expected thing today, especially from his mouth. I just kept staring at him. His violet eyes shined under the moonlight, he looked so tempting. I could…wait no…tempting? Really brain? Really?

I took a few steps back. He smirked and headed forwards and after a few seconds a followed him in. I was blushing, intensely. No, I am not the blushing types but here I am blushing at some stupid comment which was probably not true. And yes I still have my bruised leg so I was walking very slowly. Like really really slowly.

He turned back and said with a smirk "And about the Dora thing, I am not letting that go...just to let you know" And he spoiled the mood. Oh no.

The party went smoothly. I was busy with my friends and ignored Frank in every possible way while he did the same. It was quite fun, especially when Jade and Jack came to us and Jade told me all about the confession and how she said ‘yes’. I was truly excited for the two and joined there happiness.

After 40 minutes I saw a text on my mobile from the hospital "You should come here". I called my mom and fortunately the ‘busy’ lady picked up. i was so flustrated.

“Mom, I need my own driver” I said without any hye’s or hello’s. Mom and I had brief talks as I knew well that she wanted me to get to the point and not waste her time.

“And hello to you to” she replied in a rather hysterical tone.

“Mom, I need a driver! Because first I can’t possibly go to the hospital everyday with Angel’s driver and second I can’t take a taxi ‘every day’ and third reason, I don’t want anyone to know about it” I said

“But I don’t think you need one. Just ask Frank to drop you and you don’t need to visit the hospital every day, it’s not like it is compulsory”

“mom, the hospital just messaged me that he is...”

And before I knew it she cut the phone, mom doesn’t even care. What type of person doesn’t even care about her own children? I left the party and caught a cab and headed for the hospital. No time to think about this.

Once I reached the hospital, I rushed inside. I ran to the room and saw some doctors surrounding him. Okay, so this was serious. A nurse came out and I quickly grabbed her “What happened?” I asked anxiously, tears already formed in my eyes as I realized his condition wasn’t any good.

“He got another shock” she replied.


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93 Reviews

Points: 5000
Reviews: 93

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Thu Jun 06, 2013 3:26 am
HopelessAbandon wrote a review...



Hi! Here for a quick review! I think most of the problems have been fixed, so I'll just go through and make a couple overall comments.
I just want to say I haven't read any of the previous chapters, so if I say something that's explained previously, I'm really sorry. Normally I would go through and read everything, but I'm short on time tonight. If my review isn't helpful at all, and you'd prefer I go back and read chapters 1-6, then make another comment, I would be glad to do that when I've got a minute!

You've got some missing comma's and typo's that I can take the time to point out if you'd like.
"No, I am not the blushing types but here I am blushing at some stupid comment which was probably not true" You repeat this phrase, so you might want to fix that.
Your sentences are a bit choppy, and could use some work to help with the flow, and to help understanding. If you describe the scene a little, and showed the reader what the main character was experiencing instead of simply telling us about how she feels, this could improve a ton!
The last part confused me mightily. I don't mean with what's going on, because I know that i have to read the previous chapters to clear those details up. I mean that you suddenly go from the party, to talking to the main characters mom, to the hospital where someone is possibly dying. It was a little too quick, without enough transitions for me.
Overall, this seems pretty good so far, you've got an interesting voice for narrating!
Hopefully this helps a bit!

~*Hope




umaima says...


It helped a lot, I am going to improve the chapter soon and it is always good to know my mistakes. Thanks a lot



umaima says...


It helped a lot, I am going to improve the chapter soon and it is always good to know my mistakes. Thanks a lot



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81 Reviews

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Tue May 28, 2013 1:51 pm
Deadman wrote a review...



So I'm sure you've been expecting this review, so here it is. You already know my whole story about its your piece not mine and blah blah blah so I'll just get into it. I'm happy to see this story progressing, but there are still errors!

We'll start in paragraph one. Here is your version. "When we reached home, I ran upstairs in a hurry. Jade’s party… I opened my ‘new’ wardrobe and surfed through the dresses. After the awful hours I spent in cleaning the audi, because of Frank, and then getting it all ruined again, I decided I have to take a break but then the I got reminded by my not-so-useful-brain that I had a party to attend, not any party that is, Jade’s 18th BIRTHDAY party."

Now don't mind me saying this, but it's not flowing . For example, " Jade’s party… I opened my ‘new’ wardrobe and surfed through the dresses" Remove Jade's party, it stops the flow, and it doesn't fit with the sentence. It's better if you just leave the part about the party till the end like you have it.

"After the awful hours I spent in cleaning the audi, because of Frank, and then getting it all ruined again, I decided I have to take a break but then the I got reminded by my not-so-useful-brain that I had a party to attend, not any party that is, Jade’s 18th BIRTHDAY party."

This big block of text is all one sentence, that's a huge run-on. Let's chop it up, and fix some grammar issues on the way. Here is a revised version, "After the awful hours of cleaning the audi, all because of Frank, I needed a break. However, my not-so-useful-brain reminded me I had a party to go to. Not just any party though, it was Jade's 18th BIRTHDAY party!" I hope that's better, seeing as I'm not perfect either.

Now onwards to the next paragraph.

"I usually am the mess making types." Flows better if you say, "I am usually the mess making type of girl." Also makes a bit more sense.

Now the third paragraph had me ripping my hair out. (Not really, but you get the point. I want you to read this, and then I'll tell you why. Here is your paragraph, "After exactly 25 minutes 36 seconds of complete time waste, I decided to go with skinny, torn black jeans and a funky white top. I curled my hair and tied them up in a pony because it’s not really me to keep them open besides it’s not worth the uncomfortableness caused by it. I took a pair of black earings which went perfectly with the dress and the best pair of boots I had and wore them, fixing my dress after every second. And then for the final touch put on as many rings as I wanted to and a watch in my left hand. I did wear my black gym shirt because it gave a shade of black to my top. Yeh, I love black but I don’t really dress like this every day, trust me."

I needed to post the whole thing, because you need to realize the contradictions within it. For example, "I decided to go with skinny, torn black jeans and a funky white top." Nothing wrong there, but look at this later sentence. "I took a pair of black earings which went perfectly with the dress and the best pair of boots I had and wore them, fixing my dress after every second"

Before I point it out earrings is spelled wrong too. Anyway, you said she picked out jeans and a white top, now she's in a dress? I think you were looking for the word outfit, for example look at this. "I took a pair of black earings which went perfectly with the outfit and the best pair of boots I had and wore them, fixing my clothes after every second." There no issues other than some stuff I'll let you work out.

Some minor issues here, " I know him since primary school and maybe that is the reason we both are the closest among our friends. Like in-separately close." Here's a remedy, " I've know him since primary school. That's probably the reason we are the closest among our friends. Like in-separately close."

I'm just going to continue on, by posting your sentence, and then posting a fix. Sorry the review isn't as in depth as normal.

"Jack’s a Blondie with perfect Hazel eyes and he’s pretty thin but macular." Here is the fix. "Jack’s a blonde with perfect hazel eyes and he’s pretty thin but muscular." You don't need to capitalize characteristics.

" I must say my best friend was one of the hottest guys on earth and I was one of the proudest person to have him as one." Small grammar fix here, " I must say my best friend was one of the hottest guys on earth and I was very proud to have him as a friend."

"His hair that fell on his forehead totally worked with the small Grin on his face" Fix is a simple one, "His hair that fell on his forehead totally worked with the small grin on his face." No need to capitalize grin.

“Let’s just skip to the part where you guys explain me how you know each other” Another tiny error, let's fix the flow here. “Let’s just skip to the part where you guys explain to me how you know each other”

"He was now so close that I could feel his breathe touching my skin." Minor error here, an extra letter can kill. "He was now so close that I could feel his breathe touching my skin."

"He smirked and headed forwards and after a few seconds a followed him in." You probably just hit the wrong key here. "He smirked and headed forwards and after a few seconds I followed him in."

I'm dumfounded at what could be taking place at this Hospital. I actually feel like I'm missing a chunk of the story or something. Did I forget to read a chapter? I'm sure you'll fill me in next chapter. (Which I await even more now.) You had me laughing at several parts in this piece, and I'm excited at how much of a better writer you've become.

That's about all I have, but I'm sure someone else will come in and clean it up even more. Sorry for the bad quality of a review, but I'm tired and probably shouldn't be reviewing. I'd like to say the piece is definitely developing, and so are you as a writer. Of course, I still feel like you need to stop, and read the piece aloud to yourself to fix some of the errors. Once you do that the piece will get much better. I really do hope to see another chapter, until then Keep Calm and Write On.


Cheers,


Deadman




umaima says...


Thanks for the review and seriously I was expecting a comment about the chapter, got surprised by the review and can't thank you enough for your time. I bet it took a lot of time so thanks a lot :D



umaima says...


Plus this helped a lot



umaima says...


Also I am soooo glad you enjoyed it



Deadman says...


Did you PM me about this chapter because it said I got one from you, but I couldn't read it....



umaima says...


nupzz I didn't... I didn't PM anyone in this week...



Deadman says...


That's weird....



umaima says...


Yeah




As ideas are always better than their execution, so too must dough taste better than cookies.
— Horisun