Young Writers Society

Hey Umaima,

What a great and dramatic narrative piece C: I actually applaud you in the voice and the solemn tone that is maintained throughout.

The one thing that I would suggest that I think this piece desperately needs is a sharp enough knife and the conviction to cut out some of these stanzas, I think it runs rather long -- and it's not that I don't like long poetry, it's that it's a bit too bogged down by some of the stanzas. The first three beginning stanzas are all just description/setting up the scene, and in a poem like this, where you're not just trying to maintain a rhythm and create imagery, but you're also trying to tell a story with some kind of symbolic significance, what you want to do is be able to set the scene WHILE ALSO telling the story -- you want to be able to cram as much as you can in as little words as possible.

The reason poetry is so memorable and powerful is because each word should work together to create impact. Here, there are plenty of words to spare. We don't get into the meat of the story until the 6th stanza -- so I'd just ask yourself where is the core of the poem and maybe shorten it from there.

I hope this helps. I'll be more than happy to chat this with you if you have any questions, or need any clarification or further elaboration.

~ as always, Audy

This is actually kind of confusing. I feel like parts of it are clear, but other parts are pointlessly written just because they sound cool, for instance stanza 3 where it is talking about the tree. I don't really see the point in this. There is also some strange syntax in the poem that needs to be worked out. Read it out loud, and see how much of this is actually pertinent information for the poem itself. What do you want the poem to be expressing? Do you want to talk about the feeling of loss, the reactions from other people, or the accident itself? For me right now the poem is talking about all of this, and I think it should be split up into poems talking about each one individually. To deal with all three topics makes a really long thing to read that is somewhat confusing. Trying to work in the symbol of the tree, along with the physical story about the family, and working out whether the girl is alive or dead, is a lot to take in within such a short time period. It requires more of a full short story in order to get all of that information, so instead, breaking it up will lend better to focusing on one aspect of it and give you more control over the symbols and the use of language. So my suggestion is to break this poem up into several separate poems dealing individually with each aspect of this incident.

Animal is here to save the world review.

Wonderful poem.

The left over pieces
Of her now lonely soul,

How pity it is
That a person never knows,
How important something was
Before “it” is taken away.

I love your words you use! A wonderful work of art.