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Heartbeats: ​Chapter 3

by umaima


“Satin, Stay with me”

“The patient’s condition is getting worse, hurry and get ready for the shocks”

“She’s still in a risk to go in coma; I want at least two nurses to assist her for the whole day. Record…”

“Satin, you have to wake up”

“Please wake up”

“Dack” I shouted as loudly as I could as I ran inside Jack’s room. His house was a medium sized villa and his room was on the first floor. The outside had a huge garden in which there were blue tulips, red and white roses and bushes too. The bushes kind of gave a border to the garden, it was a beautiful site. His mother, as he had stated it, had a crazy obsession towards these ‘things’. I found it pretty amazing though, roses and tulips had always been my favorite.

On the other hand the inside was way too different. It was all painted white and had the classy look instead of the beautiful look. I remember Jack saying that it was because his brother had helped in the designing of the house. His brother, as he had said, was another complicated thing. Jack hadn’t seen his brother from a couple of years as Drew was studying abroad medicine, even I could only see him in pictures and sometimes in the news. He was pretty famous even during his internship years which had always been irritating for Jack. He used to refer his brother as a Lazy fatso. Well, he did turn out to be wrong eventually.

Jack and I had become good, or should I say way too good friends since the frogs incident. It wasn’t easy though, making him my friend I mean. He was a complicated, quiet and totally not a social person so I kept sticking to him, disturbing him, irritating and annoying him until one day, after a few weeks he finally agreed to become my friend but on one condition. That I stop been such a pain. Well, I agreed to it but after a few days we became closer and eventually I came back too my normal self. Which he said, he didn’t mind.

I always called Jack with different names but he never once corrected me, whatever name I used on him he just nodded and listened to what I had to say. Sometimes though the names were so hilarious that he would end up laughing, the reason why both of us ended up been the school’s ‘Most-frequently-seen-in-detention-students’.

Jack was weird, I must say. Not the weird kind of weird but the charming kind of weird, if there is any such kind. He had zero knowledge about anything relating friendship, dating, having fun and similar subjects. And I, well I was kind of his teacher for all these subjects.

When his mother came to know about me she became so happy that she literally caught me in a bear hug, because literally I was her ‘little’ Jack’s first friend since he joined this school, which was 7 years and I was really astonished after knowing that. His dad gave me a spare key to the house so that I can come and go whenever I want which was awkward but well, can’t blame his parents on that. I was his first friend after a long time… Plus his parents were usually out because both of them were doctors, see where all his brains came from?

He was looking just Epic that day when all this happened, blood red cheeks, eyes wide and continuously shooting glares at his parents. And as for me, I had never had so much fun in my whole life as I did on that day. Not one second had I spent without laughing!

After that day I started going to his house every morning and we went to school together. Yeah, the term best friends would be right here. His sleeping habits were disastrous, he never woke up early and there was a special maid to wake him up. Well, I kind of did not like that and much to my relief the maid resigned soon so I started waking him myself.

Actually, the maid resigned because I gave her a special offer and assigned her to a post in my father’s company. Don’t get me wrong, not that I was jealous or over protected or something. It was Jack who went on nagging about how much he hates it when the maid wakes him up because she was kind of harsh and I felt bad for the poor child.

Jack’s room was another story, so clean and tidy that I felt nauseous after entering it, you couldn’t even be able to find a spec of dust if you tried, yes that clean.

“Jack” I shouted again, shaking him vigorously but would he even budge? No, this guy was made of steel! I opened my ‘emergency-waking-jack-methods’ book and ran downstairs… if only there were some ice cubes…

Luckily there were, many to be more specific and I happily filled a medium sized bowl with them. Then I ran upstairs again, trust me when I say waking him up was really hectic. When I was a couple of inches away from the bed I emptied half the bowl on Jacks face which made him get up with a jerk and then the rest of the bowl was emptied in his shirt. Yup I put ice cubes inside his shirt.

“Satine” he screamed and I laughed as he pulled off his shirt. Show off. He had a great body and he knew it just too well so usually when I did something like this he didn’t hesitate a bit to take his shirt off. He even took off his shirt in school after gym just because he felt too ‘hot’. But I bet he just wanted to see those ‘wow’ expressions of girls…

“Hurry up, schools’ in thirty” I said as I threw his watch towards him. He caught his watch and rushed towards the bathroom but stopped by the door, as usual.

“Can you reply to those messages” he asked handing me his mobile. I eyed him curiously, usually he only asked me to do this when he wanted to threaten a few girls to leave him alone. “Please, I don’t know how the gangsters got my number”

I laughed and nodded. The ‘gangsters’ were actually those nine pack dudes I had brought to his house once to wake him up. Yeah it was pretty absurd but he had taken some sleeping pills the following night so I had them catch him and throw him in the tub. Accidently one of them fancied Jack… You don’t want to know.

He did become my good friend though and well, I ended up gaving him Jack’s number when me and Jack had one of our prank wars and it turned out to be really difficult for Jack to handle it. He didn’t even like when girls liked him and went all crazy towards him, forget about strong huge dudes who are even scary than boogeyman. Yeah, his mother told me Jack was scared of boogeyman when he was small.

This was how our day used to start. And if you ask me, I always had loved it.

“Satin” Jack whispered as he sat down with a box of chocolates. He placed the chocolates near her bed and looked at her. So weak, so different, he thought to himself.The only thing Satin had never refused to eat was chocolates, she used to finish 3 boxes at once.

Much to Jack’s relief Satin’s eyes opened slowly. Satin was still wearing an oxygen mask and was still taking a drip. She was a medical student too just like Jack and she knew her condition well. She could die any moment. Her heart melted when Jack smiled at her.

Idiot, she thought. He was trying to act like nothing was going wrong and he wasn’t wounded inside. He always smiled like that when he got hurt just to calm her down. No matter in how much pain he would be he always hid to make sure she wasn’t worried but she knew him just too well.

Her eyes broke their staring contest and made their way towards Jack’s hand. She lifted her hand in an attempt to catch his, which was just 2 inches far. She was scared, scared that he would leave again.

Jack noticed her hand lifting up and he caught it. He gently squeezed it “It’s alright, I am going nowhere” he said and then paused as a tear escaped Satine’s eyes “Hey, It’s going to be alright. Don’t cry” He wiped the tears away and placed a kiss on her forehead. It was like he was saying himself that it would be alright more than her.

Satine slowly closed her eyes, she felt tired and weak and she knew sleep would be the best thing for her. As she felt Jack come closer and sit beside her on the bed she felt relieved, safe and for the first time in a while she slept without nightmares. Jack was their beside her the whole night, he took a leave from the hospital because he wanted to spend all the time he had with Satine.

He wanted her to recover and he knew he could make her do so. It wasn’t that Satine had a disease, she was doing this to herself for some reasons which Jack did not know yet. She had no longer the will to live. She wanted to die. Though it wasn’t completely her as she was in a shock, some kind of shock but the only way for her recovery was for her to wish to live again and Jack was going to make sure that happens because he loved her. He had always loved her.

Drew was surprised to see his brother like this. This was the first time Jack took a leave from the hospital. Ever since he started his internship, Jack had always been a workaholic. He never once took a leave and never slept more than 5 hours, in the beginning he used to sleep even lesser and kept himself as busy as he could. And most of all, he never had shown any interest in a girl, on top of that a patient.

Drew knew how stubborn his brother was and if Jack was into this girl then Drew was going to help him out. And no matter how much he hated to do this, he went inside the hospitals records room and searched for Satine’s file.

‘Guardian: Mrs. Sherlin Mayor’

Drew copied down the address and mobile number of the guardian and sent to Jack with a little side message saying “You owe me big time brother”

In spite of their clashes, the brothers loved each other dearly. When Jack woke up the following afternoon and saw the message, he couldn’t be more happier. He quickly replied ‘Of course I do’ to Drew and booked a plane ticket to France, her guardian lived in France. He made sure that he could come back from there in a couple of hours because he didn’t want to leave Satine alone. And slowly he closed his eyes again and let sleep take over before going to Satine’s Aunt’s place.

--------

Link to Ch 4: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=104888


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303 Reviews

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Sun Aug 25, 2013 11:07 am
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StoneHeart wrote a review...



. . . noticed this certain piece in the Green Room and couldn't resist dropping by for a quick review. I'll keep it short so as not to get TOO critical. Please don't kill me if I am anyway, I don't mean anything by it.

I'm gonna use a simple three-part structure for this review: What I liked. What I didn't like. Solutions for the things I didn't like (giving a bit of structure to reviews really improves things -you should try it sometime). Here goes.

What I liked. Personally I loved your emotional tension and style (though it has a negative side to it -I might note). I get the feeling while reading this that you really have a plan to what's going on, and that (though disjointed as your plot is), you're headed to some goal. And that's a really good thing; it shows a lot of control.

What I didn't like. Your more basic skills are somewhat lacking, I must say. Your grammar, word use, and spelling even are all rather weak . . . plus; if you keep up your plot the way you are, I can assure you only one thing: A DEAD END. >.> Now, though these are serious problems they're nowhere near equible to your strong points! You really did great! Now to make the scale tilt even more . . . .

How to fix the things that I didn't like (my favorite part ;). Okay, so first: To fix your grammar/ word use/ spelling problem (they're all kinda tied together, if you think about it). Some of the problems, I would say, are caused by an incomplete familiarity with the English language (ahem). Some are caused by not reviewing before you post. And some are caused by simple ignorance (should I say 'not-knowing'?).

To fix the first problem (incomplete familiarity with the English language), you just need practice, pure and simple. This problem will only be solved through BULK practice.

To fix the second problem you just need to make sure you review it to yourself before you post. Reading the piece aloud can really help when picking out low-level problems. Grammar checker's and such tools are useful as well.

To fix the last problem . . . you need to realize when you don't know something, and then figure it out. If you're not sure, then find out. Don't risk being wrong.

Now finally, to fix that last problem: Your style of presenting your plot. Right now, from what I see, you're just introducing the story (just giving us some basis for what you make out of the rest of the story). You need to be careful not to fall into a habit of putting this much information into a chapter. I could have turned what you talked about in this one chapter into a dozen! Be sure you don't skip the details! They're what make story's story's.

But I'm just really commenting on that -it's not a real problem (yet).

So, there you go. I do hope that helped you -feel free to talk to me about anything you need help on; anytime! Okay? Good. Questions and suggestions are appreciated too!


~Black~




umaima says...


Feel free to talk to you?
i think you didn't see the name here lol

not knowing english lang. Completely? Yeah ahem alright .. i am speaking eng since I was 3
I will make sure to tease you on the review haha
though it did help and I appreciate it :D



umaima says...


Feel free to talk to you?
i think you didn't see the name here lol

not knowing english lang. Completely? Yeah ahem alright .. i am speaking eng since I was 3
I will make sure to tease you on the review haha
though it did help and I appreciate it :D



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:59 am
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hey Umaima,

Here as promised! This was a good chapter, and I believe it to be the best so far. It told a lot about their growing relationship and how they taught each other different things they knew. It seemed so sweet, and it kind of made Satine's dying situation sadder.

I have quite a lot of nitpicks here for you. Usually I don't like going through and correcting every little mistake. Instead, I'm correcting every mistake I see reoccurring, so you can fix them similar ones, okay?

First off though, I would like to start with your opening. I get the idea you were trying to bring across, but it didn't pull it for me. I think it was the long sentences. Usually when there's panic, or chaos, people tend to demand things instead of ask for them. And the action kind of needs shorter sentences. So, here's what you put:
"Satin, Stay with me"
"The patient's condition is getting worse, hurry and get ready for the shocks"
"She's still in a risk to go in coma; I want at least two nurses to assist her for the whole day. Record"
"Satin, you have to wake up"
"Please wake up"

Here's my rephrasing of it, with a lit more desperation in there.
"Satin! Stay with me!"
"Patients condition is worsening. Get the shocks!"
"Patient might slip into coma. Two nurses assist her throughout the whole day. Making recordings!"
"Satin, you have to wake up!"
"Please! Wake up!"

See what shorter sentences, orders and some handy exclamation marks can do ;) Now, I'll follow with nitpicks. In speech marks is what you wrote and my suggestion is next to it.

"On the other hand the inside was way too different." Is the 'way' really necessary here? Just say the inside was completely different. I prefer writing with the small slang words like 'way' 'totally' and 'like' where they aren't needed. Maybe it contributes to the voice, but here I think your writing would be better off without it. This is something that happens multiple times in the chapter, so you'd need to read through for it.

"It was all painted white and had the classy look instead of the beautiful look." Another example of my previous statement. The 'all' isn't really necessary.

"His brother, as he had said, was another complicated thing." Wow, she refers to his brother as a thing. That seems a bit harsh, don't you think :) Maybe his brother was another complication, or caused other problems.

"as Drew was studying abroad medicine," I think you mean to swap medicine and abroad here ;)

One thing I noticed a lot when writing dialogue is that you don't have the necessary comma or full stop inside of the speech marks.
"There always needs to be a comma," said Deanie. "Just like this."

"and booked a plane ticket to France, her guardian lived in France" No comma here, but the word because. Although commas do serve as pauses and breaks, always remember that they cannot make up for connecting words.

So! Those are all the nitpicks I could find, and I believe I've already told you that the story is shaping up well, and I feel like this will have an extremely sad tragic ending. Somehow I can't wait for it to happen, and although I want Jacob to be happy, I think I might like the sad ending. Who knows? There may be twists in store ;)

Keep letting me know when you post more chapters. I'm loving it every time I read more.

Deanie x




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 8:20 am
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kazza says...



Wow, this story really has some heart ache in it! The way you went back to another memory to remind the reader of what has happened in the past.
"the reason why both of us ended up been the school’s ‘Most-frequently-seen-in-detention-students’." The mistake you made here is that it should be being not been.
Also, to keep the reader more hooked, at the end of each Chapter or one or two, lead off into the next with a cliff hanger, making the reader have a MUST to see what happens next. You have expressed feelings brilliantly.
Though you should have a new line when ever someone new starts a speech or says something, so the format is correct.
Well done, it can be difficult or confusing to jump from one person to another's sometimes and you well on your way to mastering it! Well done




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:58 am
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manisha wrote a review...



Hi umaima!
manisha here to review chapter three of Heartbeats!

I think its a cute touch that Satine always seems to get Jack's name wrong.

"Jack hadn’t seen his brother from a couple of years as Drew was studying abroad medicine,"

There is nothing grammatically wrong here but it sounds like Drew is studying a medicine that is called abroad(unless there is something called abroad medicine and I am not aware of it. If that is the case ignore this). I think you mean to say Drew is studying medicine abroad.

That I stop been such a pain.
been is being.

When his mother came to know about me she became so happy that she literally caught me in a bear hug, because literally I was her ‘little’ Jack’s first friend since he joined this school,

literally is repeated twice.

You have the habit of writing really long sentences. It has more than one picture in it and it doesn't seem to help with the writing.
This for example-
When his mother came to know about me she became so happy that she literally caught me in a bear hug, because literally I was her ‘little’ Jack’s first friend since he joined this school, which was 7 years and I was really astonished after knowing that.

You see what I mean? The same thing can be improved by chopping it up into smaller simpler sentences.
For instance-
When his mother came to know about me she became so happy that she literally caught me in a bear hug.I was her ‘little’ Jack’s first friend since he joined this school, which was 7 years ago.I was really astonished after knowing that.

He was looking just Epic that day when all this happened,
Epic doesn't have to be capitalized!

He has a maid to just wake him up?!
Don’t get me wrong, not that I was jealous or over protected or something.

over protected is over protective.

This chapter left me with a lot of questions. If Jack and Satine knew each other so well then why wasn't Jack aware of her condition before Drew handed her over to him. What exactly is between them both. And in chapter one you had started with Jack appearing in the news. You haven't touched on it again. Is Jack famous? If yes, why? What interested the media to take a loot into Jack and Satine?

Overall, this was a good chapter! You have improved very much from the first chapter! I thoroughly enjoy reading about young Jack. You have a wonderful way of writing them. You contrast the innocence of their past and the pain of their current situation very well!

You tell me when the next chapter is up, yeah?!
You know I love reading what you write!

-manisha





Believe only half of what you see, and nothing that you hear.
— Edgar Allan Poe