Young Writers Society

Hey! I have been taking a long break from studies. Was bored and decided to review something. So lemme start reviewing your remarkable piece. I mostly start with the negative traits. You have a few minor mistakes So here goes:-
In the first stanza:-
"Looking at the day light,
once i had wondered
What would it have been like,
to live up my dream"

In the second and the fourth line you need to put a full stop. That makes more sense.

And exactly the same thing in the entire poem. Lemme do it for you:-

"
I thought of the pleasures,
I thought of the honor,
but never could I see
the difficulties.

My path was hard,
probably broken
But my will was strong,
which could never be shaken.

Every now and then I fell,
Every now and then I broke
But everytime I did I learned somethings
which I bet I could never have learned.

Everytime I looked at the Stars above,
Everytime I looked at the Sun
the only thing i wanted to do
was to take it in my palm.

Wanted to shine like them
no matter where,
Wanted to be proud like them,
every second I spent.

But I was wounded everytime I tried
Depressed I felt everytime I looked for a way.

Though my mind was set,
My goal was definite
but everytime I took a step forword
It felt like I was pushed several steps back.

Finally I found myself lost,
Tried to search myself but I was nowhere to be found

Then I understood,
what I wanted most was not my selfish desire
And then I understood
that what I had was much more than my desire
but never could I realize it before."

In this line "but everytime I took a step forword"
Your spelling should be forward and not forword.

I liked the lines "My path was hard,
probably broken"

A Good Poem. Keep It Up.

A poem this time! You really are a writer of all trades - I like that. It's good to try different media and a lot of skills from one can be carried through to the next!

Imagery

You've got a lot of intangible phrases here, by which I mean 'selfish desire' or 'I learned somethings'. It's very vague and it's difficult for your reader to make a clear picture of what's going on. We want to know what this persona's plan is and we want to know what things they learned, what that desire was.

It's like you're telling a story, but you're leaving all of the details out and we can't guess what's happening.

On the plus side, you've got a good grip on the emotions and the feelings your character is experiencing, but now we need the story and the images that go with those so we can picture this and understand.

Prose vs Poetry

If you took the line breaks out of this, it would read like prose, because you're not taking advantage of poetic techniques. You can get away with this in lyrics as they're often a combination of the two, a sort of poetic dialect if you like, but poetry is more than line breaks. There's alliteration, rhythm, rhyme, personification. You don't need to use all of these in a poem, but you should be shaping your language with the right tools and every word has to count - you get too few to waste them like a prose writer does!

Here's an example:

I thought of the pleasures, I thought of the honor, but never could I see the difficulties.

This is one of your lines without the line-breaks and as you can see, it's no different to a sentence from a novel. Here is a way a poet might re-shape your line:

I plucked the pleasures
and they pulsed,
the planets polar in my palm
and the honours honoured me;
danger at a distance.

Here the alliteration helps to build a solid rhythm and lends emphasis to key words, while every word is given a sense of power and brings something to the stanza.

Overall

This is a good start! You've still got a few things to learn about poetry, but you're getting there and YWS will help you if you let it!

Keep writing and I'm sure I will see you around

Heather xx

I agree with most of what 'dogs' said.
English is not my first language, so I also have trouble with getting my grammar and spelling right.

Maybe a tip:
I use a lot of ways to check out if my spelling is correct.
Sometimes I might just throw a sentence in google.
To check if somebody has used it before.

I keep thinking when I read the poem.
It would nice if it was told in present tense.
(That's how I would write it)

But overall not a bad poem!

Joran.

Hello there Umaima! Dogs here with your review as requested. To start things off WELCOME TO YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here. I'm Tucker, and if you need anything, a review, some help, advice, ANYTHING! Let me know and I'd be more than happy to help you out. Anywho, on to ze review. This is a nice piece you have here, the idea is interesting and draws the reader in. The content is pretty solid, but the only problem I have is there are lots and lots of grammar errors in this piece. Let's dive in now shall we?

"once i had wondered"

Always capitalize "i." Reason being is because you use it as a proper noun, and all proper nouns are capitalized. On the note of capitalizing, you waver from start the line with a capital every time... and sometimes you don't. Try to make that consistent, otherwise it looks a little sloppy and confuses the reader.

Furthermore, on that topic of confusing, the biggest note I have is that you don't ever use periods. Now, this is an extremely risky writing style... but can be effective when done correctly. But it only works if the times where there should be a period are clear, and in this case they are not, so it makes reading a little difficult for the reader. So add in punctuation I would advise.

"I thought of the pleasures
I thought of the honour"

You have a nice line going on here. Two notes though: Firstly, you must put a comma after "pleasures" and "honour." Secondly, "honour" should be spelled "honor." If you're having troubles with spelling (as I often do) copy and paste this piece into word before you post and do a spell check.

"Every now and then I broke"

I'm not a huge fan of "broke" in this line... it makes it sound a little awkward. Maybe try saying: "shattered" or "cracked" or something along those lines.

"But everytime I did I learned somethings"

Put a comma after "did" in this line.

"It felt like I was pushed back several steps backwords"

Awkward line, firstly because "backwords" should be spelled: "backwards." Secondly, this line has a few too many words in comparison to the rest of the poem... also you use "back" twice in the same sentence so it throws off the rhythm. Maybe try saying: "It felt like I was/ pushed several steps back" Break it into two different lines. Whatever works.

All and all a good poem that I enjoyed reading, well written but just lacking on some of those grammar points. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Umaima!

You're a poet~ that's great to know. xD

I'm going to drop you a review real quick here. Okay! I think this is neat. You have the magic in your pen... which means you have talent. I like that it's well organized in stanzas and that the content is not confusing. Your grammar is good, and you capitalized what needs to be capitalized (I think). What I do not understand is why there's so much inconsistency when it comes to the punctuation. Like~ Why does this poem have commas but doesn't have periods. That makes your piece look a little unprofessional, which is a shame, because you're actually good. And the more professional you are, the more serious they will take you and your writing. It would be nice if you'd consider it! =D However, it's just a suggestion.

That's pretty much all I've got to say. I hope I made myself clear, but if you have any questions or simply want to chat, feel free to PM me.

~GeeLyria

Heey ,

This was actually pretty good for it being you first poem. When you said it was you first poem i was like this might actually be a bad poem but when i read it , it wasnt that bad. So good job and you should make a new one. I know more people are probably going to want to read it .

Hi there!

First of all, these are my two favorite stanzas:

"Everytime I looked at the Stars above,
Everytime I looked at the Sun
the only thing i wanted to do
was to take it in my palm <--the only thing is, "it" should probably be "them"
b/c you say "stars" AND "sun"
Wanted to shine like them
no matter where,
Wanted to be proud like them,
every second I spent"

I also like your line "I found myself lost."

The reason these are my favorite lines is that they have the most concrete imagery, the most figurative language. Telling us that you want to take the sun and stars in your palm gives us a specific image. "I found myself lost" is a great paradox, a nice turn of figurative phrase.

Poetry, even more than prose, needs concrete imagery and metaphor to get abstract ideas across. Now, you obviously *have* an abstract idea that you're starting with, which you sum up in your last stanza. And that's good, because I (for example) almost never start off with an abstract idea--I start off with a line, or an image, or something else that has no meaning when I write it and instead (hopefully) finds meaning as it becomes a poem.

But what I would like to see now is for you to take the abstract concept of your desires and turn it into images. The image of the stars and sun in your palm is an excellent start. My suggestion would be to take the stanzas with the most important ideas and try revising them so that instead of simply saying something like "what I wanted was not my most selfish desire," give us an image of what your most selfish desire is. It doesn't have to be a literal image (especially if the desire itself is abstract); you could choose an image that is like your desire in some way (i.e., an apple for some sort of temptation--don't USE that, it's a cliche by now, but it's an example anyway).

In my opinion, these are the stanzas that express the most important ideas (in addition to the sun/stars stanzas):

"Though my mind was set,
My goal was definite
but everytime I took a step forward <--feeling of trying but failing
It felt like I was pushed back several steps backwards"

"Then I understood,
what I wanted most was not my selfish desire
And then I understood <--moment of epiphany
that what I had was much more than my desire
but never could I realize it before"

So these are the ones I would try reworking--but of course, this is your poem, so you can ultimately decide "What are the ideas I most want to get across and how can I do so?"

If you want some examples of poems that use concrete imagery and figurative language to get ideas across, check these out:

The Goblin Market, by Christina Rossetti (most commonly interpreted as having sexual implications). http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/174262

That one's really long (sorry), so the next one is only four lines: An Almost-Love Story (two people really love each other and are together all the time but then break up and are basically enemies/don't go together anymore). http://elizainkwell.wordpress.com/an-almost-love-story/

There are many more great examples, but those are two that are pretty easy to get a feel for, except that "The Goblin Market" is so gosh-darn long.

Hope this helps. Let me know when and if you edit--I'd like to see what you come up with!

~Blue

Hello, Kyla here to review you. I really like this piece, it's very nice. I would like to go through every paragraph and tell you what I think. If I say something misleading, or I am incorrect please do tell me, I would love to hear what you think.

For the first paragraph, I love it. I think it is great, I think the only thing that you need is a paragraph.

In the second paragraph, I love how you explain yourself in a way. I think that you do need a comma after "pleasure" and after "honour". I think it would also look better for a period at the end.

In the third paragraph, I think I would have gone with "My path was hard, probably broken. My will was strong, which could never be shaken. I really like what it is saying though and whas has happened to the path; how it is hard.

In the fourth paragraph, I think I would've done "Every now and then I fell. Every now and then I broke. Everytime I did, I learned somethings, which I bet I could never have learned." I really like it though, it is still a very good paragraph.

In the fifth paragraph, seeing as how on the second line there isn't above, I wouldn't add above to the first line. I would've added a comma after "Do" and a period at the end. I think this is really pretty.

In the sixth paragraph, I think it would sound and look better if you put "I wanted to shine like them" with a comma at the end of line one and of course a period.

I don't think that I would've seperated these next lines from the other ones. They are nice lines, but they just look like an extra piece that isn't really needed so its seperated.

In this next paragraph, again I think it would look and sound better if you put an I before it. I think if it would look good sort of like this: I thought my mind was set, my goal was definite. Everytime I took a step forward, It felt like I was pushed back several steps backwards."

Again, I don't think I would have this seperated. I don't think I would put "But" in front of it either, seeing as how you are starting a new sentence.

I really like the last paragraph. I do think though, that you need a period at the end of sentence two and a comma at the end of sentence three. I also think it needs a comma at the end of sentence four as well.

I really hope that this helped. I know it isn't professional, but I just pick at everyone's work. I always like breaking it down and showing people what I see. I really like it, do keep writing!

This is nice. I would watch my grammar in some places especially capital letters, for example you have turned ordinary nouns into proper nouns (intentional?) and with some lowercase mistakes also.

A couple of things that I think confused me were:
"Finally I found myself lost,
Tried to search myself but I was nowhere to be found"
This is contradictory because 'found' and 'lost' are complete opposites of one another.This can work in some circumstances except you have not put a context in order to justify the contrast. Also you use the word 'finally' which hints that you have resolved something but then you immediately take it back in the next line. I do not think these two lines are necessary and could be omitted.

Your poem seems very symbolic as it does not seem to reference a literal thing, i think you need to be careful that you make sure each paragraph is in the right order and makes sense with the next paragraph and that you do not repeat yourself.

However on that note your symbolism and metaphors are very good and you make good use of repetition. What I get from your poem is a journey for desire then the realization that it was the journey that was important, not the end result. This is a good theme that gives the reader scope to think deeper with. You have pulled of some paragraphs quite well. I quite like the last paragraph for example
"Then I understood,
what I wanted most was not my selfish desire
And then I understood
that what I had was much more than my desire
but never could I realize it before"

However this is inconsistent with the four lines of all the other parts. This could be intentional to represent the gain of something more or it could not be. I think you could omit "And then I understood" because it is merely repeating and not entirely necessary.

"Then I understood,
what I wanted most was not my selfish desire
That what I had was much more than my desire
but never could I realize it before"

Overall I liked your poem, please keep up the good work.