Young Writers Society

You know what? I know you know but just..I don't know ?!
Your story's protagonist is really good, I liked her and I guess the way you ended this part is also great as it leaves the reader hanging and I really got the feeling that I should read further (and I did).
And I liked that Angelina character (I guess it's because of her name).
Your story's plot is really good.
Keep writing, sis.
Your writing rocks \m/

Hello,

I believe this is a very good story but has a few mistakes. I love the cliffhanger you made at the end. Cliffhangers are always good in novels and makes the reader want more. Also in the first paragraph you say, "what was I supposed to do, just sit around???". Try not to use more than one exclamation mark or, question mark. It is not professional and will only make the readers view you as a young kid. Also son't do this "....Well I thought this". Just write "Well I thought" without the extra dot things. (sorry forgot name for it X) ). Overall this is so far so good! Keep up the good work.

Happy Writing,
Cgirl

hey umaima
I am firefighter and going to review your submission today!
well done girl, this story was really addictive and I enjoyed it a lott but I would say that please proofread it once as it has (Like others said) clear mistakes which can be seen through.

I love your works and maybe thats why I am viewing them all one by one and I would only at last say that keep writing and now I am going to view the next chapter

Firefighter

Hi! Me again See, you have to wait a few weeks for my reviews sometimes, but then I'm like BOOM and you get loads at once!! Hopefully they're worth the wait...

Title

This is boring! I'm sure it's one you picked very quickly and not 'serious' but if you want people to take you seriously, then you need to think carefully about what you call a piece. Choose a title which will grab the attention of others and make them want to read more and make them ask questions of what your story could be about - a strong title can be the difference between someone buying your book or putting it back on the shelf.

Creating a Compelling Character

I think my main problem with this was that I found the character difficult to get to grips with. It's impossible to define her age as anything other than 'young' (at a guess I'd say somewhere around 13?) because her grasp of her own situation suggests she is in her late teens, while her attitude and dialogue are far more consistent with a very young teenager.

It's difficult to write a voice which immediately tells the reader how old your character is, but with some hard work, you can get it to within a few years. Give your reader hints: if you talk about school then we'll know they're a kid. Then if you talk about hair and make-up, we'll know they're probably somewhere in the region of 13-18. Every clue you give us will help us narrow it down, but the biggest one is voice. Choose vocabulary suitable for the age and intelligence of your character. For example, here's a few different voices making the same statement:

"Hey Mum, can I get a snack from the fridge?" << This voice is somewhere in the area of 13-16.

"Mummy, can I have a sweetie?" << This voice is probably 5-8 years.

"Mum, mind if I grab the last can?" << This voice is probably 15-18.

This is just a quick example but construct your dialogue carefully as it will tell us a lot about your character!

Setting Up Tension

This chapter didn't really hook me very much because there isn't a set up. By this I mean, you aim for a dramatic ending, but it feels empty as it's impossible for the reader to guess who this new character might be. If you'd had an earlier chapter where we met her school friends and a particularly obnoxious boy tripper her up in the hallways, then we'd know this was him and we'd feel pleased with ourselves for working it out and quickly turn the page in anticipation of some big fireworks.

But throwing a character in like this with no set up, is like you going: 'He's interesting, I promise! Be interested now, or else!' Which doesn't work. You need to put the effort in and set up the scene and the meetings. An introduction like this can work later in a novel, once you've proved that your characters are interesting and we're more willing to trust you, but at this early stage I'm more bored than intrigued.

Overall

I felt this was very rushed and you need to work on this chapter more before you move on to the next one! The character of Angelina was starting to interest me, but nothing else really stood out.

Good luck with the editing and feel free to ask me any questions you may have!

Heather xx

Hey there umaima! Welcome to YWS! Stella here

The first thing I noticed was that your punctuation is all a bit whoa. I know, I know, punctuation is boring. But it's also really important. Think of prose like plumbing. You need the story to flow like water- that means you have to have all the pipes in the right place. The pipes are your words, and what holds them together are your sentences, your punctuation, all those things people find really boring. But they're important. Don't neglect them. Once you have your punctuation right, your piece is instantly easier to read and more attractive to the reader. Trust me.

Other than that, this was good, but I feel like I've read something like this a hundred times. I mean, how many books start with a girl moving somewhere new and meeting a new boy? I did like the fact that we got to see her parents- I found the fact that she's calling Paul and Angelina "Uncle" and "Aunt" a little bit weird. I'd really like to see you put a new twist on this opening though, do something original, something we haven't seen before

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hey! a small review here-

i loved the way of writing but a bit too fast. You might have noticed how writers usually describe each character, place and situation with a certain pace, only that pace was lacking in the writing.. Other than that, everything else was so amazing and kind of attractive piece for readers.
Many of them already pointed out the mistakes you did in spellings and grammar but i would still like to stress on the punctuation mistakes. As some sentences took me some time to understand and it really is the most unhidden mistake. So you should note these things and write with this understanding in coming future, then surely you will be the perfectionist!

And again, i loved it and going to read the II chapter too....
keep writing.....

hey...my small review is above! (not so small i guess)

A very good story, a few spelling errors but it was still a very good story. I cant wait for the next chapter. Your grammar and language was great and the way the story flowed. It all tied into each other. I enjoyed the story.
Good luck on your writing

Hi umaima,

As a forewarning, my review is going to be brutal, but only because I think it will help you improve as a writer. It will in all likelihood hurt, but to become a great writer one must learn to deal with harsh critiques.

When you write, you should caress your story as you do so. Each stroke of the pen should flow like a river into the next. Each scene should ripple out as your story rhythmically dances through the mind of your reader.

Reading your story is like wading through a prickly meadow littered with thorns. Every time I take a step with your narrator, I feel like the soles of my feet begin to bleed, because there are no pauses. Your river of prose is disrupted by rocks that fly in the face of your reader. You hurl these rocks toward me, and I cower in fear, for how can I read in such a mess?

A writer writes about characters, pausing and moving at a pace that the characters can move. Each little piece is a part of a puzzle that fits together into a song. You must sing that song into a melody. Your reader should dance to its rhythm.

If there is one bit of advice I could give, is is that storytelling is about more than the story. It is about the rhythm. Read every word aloud and listen to its cadence. Make sure that you are not simply writing down words, but taking your reader on a journey.

Continue writing and reading and you will grow as a writer. Good luck!

You and I have somethings in common, we both need to proofread before we submit! I like the idea of it and I can't wait for the second chapter. There are some spelling mistakes and a few run on sentences but other than that it's great! Keep writing!

Okay. You asked me to review this, so here I am.

The first thing I want to say is this: Have you been through and read over this? There are many spelling mistakes in here that are glaringly obvious. The first word, for instance, is just the letter M. I don't think you meant for that to be right.

Second, never use one piece of punctuation more than once in a row unless you're aiming for an ellipses (that's three dots in a row, and ONLY three. That is, unless you're quoting something in an academic setting. You are not doing that here). Otherwise, it's just overkill.

Third, someone told me this quite a while ago, and it's proved invaluable. Outside of speech, use questions sparingly. In fact, try not to use them at all. You're not supposed to be asking questions of the audience. You're supposed to be submerging the reader into this world, not asking them to piece the pieces together. "What was I supposed to do?" I don't know. You tell me. You're telling the story.

Fourth, mind how you use punctuation. It might pay for you to read up a bit on the function of a comma, since you don't really use them to great affect in this piece.

My final point is that the style of this story is very colloquial. That's not something that I personally enjoy. I think you should be careful how you use it. First person writing is not an excuse to be casual or slack.

I think this piece needs editing, but it has a lot of potential. Good luck with it!

Ohhhkay!

First off, this was awesome, your grammar is very, very, very nice, but your spelling is lacking.
Remember, you're writing a book, not texting, you can't use stuff link 'dint' instead of 'didn't'. It just doesn't really work.

I'd advise you to go through this and carefully pick out the spelling mistakes, do this, and this will be awesome!

Your idea is good, though I've read a lot of stories like this!
Your characters are believable though you should really make her aunt sound a bit older, she doesn't talk like a grown-up.
Your world is good (Personally I'd give it more detail, but that's just me being perfectionista ).

Hope this helps. (Would've given you more help but I'm under a time limit right now)

Welcome to YWS. (If you need anything just let me know!)

Good luck!