Hello Umaima,
“Hide me” I said as I rushed behind the curtains where Drake stood “Fast, somewhere, anywhere”
According to my knowledge, the Narrator is already behind the curtains. Then why is he signally Drake to hide him somewhere?
He stared at me showing me that he had absolutely no idea of what I was referringto and then asked “From whom?”
This is a bit oddly worded. I feel you can simplify it. For example: "From whom?" asked Drake. He had no idea what I was referring to.
[ just my suggestion.]
“That girl there, the one with the black dress with straight black and long hair”
Same dilemma here. The dialogue is okay up to "...black dress", but when you start adding in other descriptions, that's when it gets wordy. I suggest, you put in the extra descriptions of this "Hot" girl in the actual narration and not in someone's dialogues. That way, it'll be neat and would flow quite nicely.
“So hot that she can burn me out, is there any place in your house where she wouldn’t find me, or else I, my friend am tomorrows dinner at the Chinese restaurant we went yesterday”
I'm really confused. What is the narrator saying?
“She’s my girlfriend, so if you will excuse me” Isaidtold Mason as he stared at me with furious eyes. I knew ‘that girl’ was his girlfriend and I also knewthatI had no idea of who she was except that, fact but who cares. I was taking revenge and when a man is taking revenge he sees nothing but only how to take revenge…even I don’t get it, but it works in this situation so anyways…
Okay, from the sentence, we decipher that the girl is the Narrator's girlfriend. Then in the next line he says, "That girl" is Mason's girlfriend. The reader understands that the Narrator is having a go at Mason by declaring that Mason's girlfriend is his, actually.
I ail to find any humor or logic in it. Because the question as of now is, Why is the narrator acting like this.
Without uttering a word he gave me a look saying‘back of’'back off' and headed towardswhom he named asSophia.
the "whom he named as" is not necessary. In fact it creates confusion.
She was slim and had a perfect body cut…not that I noticed her a lot; it was just what I figured out looking at her a few times now actually make it two.
You seem to use a lot of unnecessary words. I suggest you go over the whole thing and omit the words that aren't necessary. That way, it'll have clarity and it will also be easy to read.
I'll not quote anymore. The thing is, you can write really good and the story seem interesting also, but you have to take into account a few things. first,declutter the story. Second, The story is good, but isn't believable. Meaning, it reads unrealistically. Try to make it more believable. You can start by nailing the dialogues. try to write realistic dialogues. Notice how really people talk. How you talk in real life. Then, you can imitate that here.
But these are just my suggestions. You have a good start, you just have to work a little on it.
Keep writing,
Puck
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