Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

16+ Mature Content

i'll be chloe and you'll leave [but i'll leave too]

by Charm

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Mon Apr 17, 2017 2:47 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Nikayla dropping in for another review!

So I've already somewhat made comments on this poem before when we were in the pad and how it feels more real or more honest compared to the rest of your poetry, or at least you sort of said this more-so related to your real life, which I think is interesting. I'm not sure how I feel about the structure of the piece? The meter throughout the poem is mostly similar and it's all one stanza, which I don't mind, but it gets a little hard to read and I would like to see your ideas broken up into multiple stanzas so they're more neatly sorted.

It's not a large aspect of the poem that I have issues with, though I do think that it would be beneficial if you did decide to do this much. In the third line, I'm not sure what you mean by 'chameleon hearts' in the third line though it sounds nice. I'm thinking that you may mean that that both of your hearts were forever changing but I'm not sure how this relates exactly to Halloween candy, or why that's even such a big aspect of the poem.

I'm sure that you know why it is and that it's maybe an inside joke, but we as the audience don't really get that. I have to agree with Morrigan on this one in that your piece is too wordy, but I don't have much more to say than what she already said about it, just wanted to reinforce the thought.

I'm supposing 'fresh meadow bleach' is a smell or scent, because I've never heard of it before, but I was a little uncertain there (I don't think it would change anything regarding the poem anyway, though). I think that perhaps an addition of more punctuation/commas to help the flow out would be helping your situation regarding it being too wordy as well as just smoothing it out. The one line in this piece that I think really hit with power was the one about laughter booming out of their chests, though you don't expand on that too much.

I have to assume about some aspects of this poem like that Max and Chloe are both characters of Life is Strange. I get that the poem is real and relates to your real life, but I feel that it hops around a lot from image to image or idea to idea without anything to tie them all together.

Louisiana suddenly pops up at the end, and I don't mind the ending yet I do think that your poem should be neatened out if you choose to edit through it as well as giving the reader a little more context clues. The four lines that start with "and" near the end are ones that I despise just due to their openings and the sort of lack of flow they contain because it's so constant without any punctuation. Anyway, if you have any questions, feel free to ask!

Best wishes,

User avatar
827 Reviews

Points: 28351
Reviews: 827

Wed Apr 05, 2017 6:51 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...

Heyo, marmalade. I'm here to review your poem.

Overall, I appreciate some of the imagery that you use, but at the same time, I feel like it almost gets too specific. Especially the part about Marina and the Diamonds. Personally, I hate that band, and I feel like if others hate that band, too, it's going to alienate more readers from the poem. I don't know if being so specific with that is a wise choice for the poem.

Furthermore, "Life is Strange" is unfamiliar, and I'm not sure if it's a TV show or something?

You use some adverbs that affect the piece negatively. Adverbs are definitely the most evil part of speech because they allow the writer to use weaker verbs, while strong verbs are what make something really shine.
For example,

like bloodthirsty children trick or treating constantly.
Why is "constantly" necessary? I understand that that's the scene you're going for, but if you used a stronger verb than "wander" or "search" in the previous line, "constantly" would not be needed to create the feeling you're going for. That word weakens the line, and makes it more wordy than necessary. Remember that in poetry, less is usually more.
Another instance that you have an unnecessary adverb is
and we begin badly singing Marina and Diamonds'

Instead of using an adverb to describe the verb, use a stronger verb. "Singing" is a basic word. If you're singing badly, you might be "screeching" or something similar to that. Verbs contain more power and description than one might think at first.

I think that overall, your piece is wordy. Try to take out every unnecessary word, and instead of using extra words to describe, use stronger words altogether.

I do really like the end rhyme at the very end. It gives the piece a close in story as well as in meter. Overall it has a good flow and I think that this can really be something fantastic if you take it back into the editing shop.

I hope that this review proves useful to you! If you have any questions, let me know. Happy writing!

Charm says...

Thanks for the review!

Charm says...

(also Marina and the Diamonds isn't a band)

Morrigan says...

ok well i hate her

Charm says...

as an artist or person? also i edited my poem, what do you think of it now?

It's easier to come up with new stories than it is to finish the ones you already have. I think every author would feel that way.
— Stephanie Meyer