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humans are machines

by Charm



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1080 Reviews


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Sat Apr 15, 2017 4:38 pm
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

So I admit I haven't been the most avid when it comes to reviewing lately, but this is amending that. I see a lot of poems that tackle the idea that humans are machines a lot of the time and I usually don't find them to be that interesting, though I found this one to be. This one definitely differentiates from your usual style in that it doesn't focus on emotion or romance or any of those themes that usually occur or pop up in your poetry, and it gives off a robotic tone instead.

I'm not as much of a fan of the first stanza as I am of the second stanza, though it does do a decent job at introducing us to the rest of the poem. There's not a whole lot of details in the first stanza, and that might be why I dislike it compared to the second because you toss out words like 'discipline' and 'lessons', all those words that usually relate to conforming to a certain government or society, but never back it up with the strength of imagery and emotional impact (emotion can come in even when there's mechanical aspects involves, perhaps apathy might be something to play with? Sticking to the rules?) that you usually have. I can see it to an extent but the first stanza doesn't do anything much more than introducing us to the rest of the poem.

The second stanza is where some of the prime parts of the poem start to hit with the painted smiles and neon eyes that I kind of wish you expanded on more. Another part of the piece that I wanted to talk about is the structure and how I can see this being two stanzas with a more equal amount of lines and then still that one line at the end of the piece because it seems like it would fit, having a first and second half to it, but that's just my thoughts.

You tend to focus a lot on the human or robot body in this piece and I would love to see you go further than that talking about having a role in society and all those other aspects that might appear in a dystopian-esque setting. Not my favorite poem from you, but it doesn't have to be! It's experimental, and I like that you're playing around with that.

Best wishes,
Kayla.




Charm says...


Thanks!



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Sat Apr 15, 2017 4:14 pm
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Midnightmoon wrote a review...



Hi there! Overall a good poem, good story-line, just needs a little bit of structure work.

Lets start!

First off, the beginning,

"Everyone at some point in their lives gets knocked down, some more than once."

I would just change some of the words around to make it flow easier.

"At some point in their lives everyone gets knocked down, some more than once." I think it's easier to read that way.

"They pick themselves up, and learn from their lessons like misbehaving children after a good spanking."

I think you could get rid of the "and" I think it's a little awkward to read. So like this:

"They pick themselves up, learning from the (their) lessons like misbehaving children after a good spanking.

"...Punches and overtime, then to throw them." I would just put "and then to throw them."


"But some people can't get up. Once their bodies hit the ground they lie there."

To make this flow a little better I would make it one sentence. It's a little choppy the way it is now.

Overall, I like the theme of this poem. I love the truth in the words.

I hope this review was helpful, and I hope to see more like this!




Charm says...


Thanks!




Let the wild rumpus start!
— Maurice Sendak