Young Writers Society

A breakup poem with an attempt to turn it around at the end. The turnaround didn't really work. It sounds self-absorbed and over-confident. You say you have a knack for writing poetry in a lukewarm poem like this.

The simple imagery might have proved to be an asset had you expanded on it more. Mentioning the sunrise and moonrise isn't enough to evoke images. Try more development in that department. What does it mean for the sun to die? I don't understand what you are talking about. Describe it more.

The single word lines are unnecceessary. I don't know why you did that. It doesn't do anything good for the poem.

This is Nikayla here dropping in for another review of your poetry!

So you know I liked skipping stones, and you know that I enjoy your poetry, but I happen to think this is on the weaker side. It feels a little rushed out of production with your last poem being posted only a couple of days ago (or at least I believe, my sense of time is sometimes horrible). I would have liked to see this more fleshed out though it does seem you have a 'knack' as you say in the poem, but for writing short poetry.

I'm not saying that I dislike the poem in whole, but what I am saying--you'll find out. I really enjoy the concept and theme that runs through the first stanza and I would have liked to see that metaphor of believing in things and I think you could have even expanded it further than just the sun and moon. And that's the aspect I think I disliked about the poem because it's a little cliche? We always get the sun and moon comparison when it comes to these types of things and it gets old.

I want something new and more original with the poem or metaphor in itself. I do like, however, the lines about how the people believing that the sun will rise in the morning and the moon will set. The idea is strong, but the execution is a little lacking in that sense. I find it odd how you describe them as cousins as well since they're usually depicted as lovers, but that's something that differentiated it from other poems of the same sort.

The end of the poem or the last stanza backs away from the metaphor which at the end of it, takes a more apocalyptic turn with the sun never going down and all. The phrasing or wording is something that I think could be reworded for more emotional impact. It kind of disrupts the flow of the poem and I'd like the poem slide back out of the sun and moon metaphor more slowly.

It's an interesting concept with believing and everything of that sort, but there's a lot of lost potential with that idea by the end of the poem. Give us this idea or message in a way that we haven't quite seen before--you don't have to act revolutionary to do this, but go into more depth with your metaphor and focus on the emotional weight behind your lines.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

Wow, I was not expecting that ending! What I thought would be a sappy breakup poem ended with a sassy bang! Kudos for slapping my assumptions back in my face. This offers a good analogy of belief. It shows both the uplifting sides of belief and the downsides. Yes the sun will rise and the moon will follow and yes someday the sun will die. Sadly relationships can suffer the exact same fate and all we can do is bounce back with a little bit of sass and spunk. You might just be another girl--with a knack for writing poetry, but you entertain just as well. I don't assume that you meant for this to have rhyming words, but I do feel that the flow of each stanza could be improved. I see that each stanza has one less line than the previous one. I like that setup, but as poetic as it was, the flow was a bit stiff. Try to see how you can make them flow a little better.

Other than that, great poem!