If loving you were a crime, then I think I would be a recidivist in the world.
If loving you were bad, then I think I would be the baddest person in the world.
If loving you were a weakness, then I think I would be the weakest person in the world.
If loving you were kindness, then I think I would be the kindest person in the world.
If loving you were poison, then I think I would never die, because even poison could become ambrosia in your hands.
I know you could never give me poison, but even if you did, I would happily drink it because at least it came from you.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,862 Literary Works • 675,999 Reviews
Hey moon! This poem stood out to me because of its repetition, so I thought I would leave you a review.
To begin, you go through a variety of different attributes you could attach to yourself and another person if you were to love them. For me, the core message is that you love this person more than anything the world could throw at you. As stated, you would commit every crime, be bad, be good, be kind, and drink poison if they gave it to you. It is a simple repetition, but you build on it with a couple of different examples of what you would be willing to do, as well as attributes this person may have.
One thing that stood out to me is how all of the lines follow the format of (if loving you was this) (then I think I would do/be this), until the final line where you do not use the words 'I think'.
Overall, I think your intent was to be straightforward, which you did really well. I would be curious to see an expansion of what these things mean to you. For example, if you were the weakest person in the world, how would this other person make up for your loss in strength? Would they be the space that fills the emptiness you have taken on? Why do you 'think' this? And why do you say think instead of 'know'?
I liked this line, but I can see it meaning many things. On one hand, you could be saying that this person is so great that they are incapable of even producing (saying, doing, being) anything poisonous. Or, in a physical way, they are so wonderful that their goodness would make badness good. Ambrosia represents immortality, so perhaps what this person gives you is something that maintains your life. They make you feel alive. They are like a God, producing goodness.
This phrase reiterates the idea that all goodness comes from this person. But what does the poison represent? Are you saying that you know they would never hurt you, but even if they did, you would accept it? Or perhaps this just represents your ultimate trust in them, knowing everything they do for you is in love, even if it is death.
One last thing, you jump from using a word like 'recidivist' to things like 'bad and good' pretty quickly. I felt a big clash. This almost allows me to see the spectrum of this person's emotions and how even the simplest or more complex words can still encapsulate their love. Just wanted to say that it was a noticeable change in vocabulary, and if you'd like, you could try finding some other 'bigger' or more specific words to narrow down the emotions. Only if you want to, though, and I loved how you did it!
Overall, I enjoyed this. I think you did a great job of being straightforward, but also touched on some deeper thoughts and ideas. I would love to see more of an expansion on these ideas! I can tell you have lots to say.
Your friend,
Ellie