If you were the moon,
I would be the silly clouds trying to touch you
every time the cool breeze passes by.
If you were the shore,
I would be the waves forever longing
to reach you and feel your presence.
I love you so much
that if you gave me a rose,
I would press it between the pages of my favorite book
and never let it fade away—
just as I could never let you fade from my heart.
That rose from your soft hands would stay with me forever.
I am so starving for your love,
yet I know I will die from hunger
while full in heart with your beautiful memories.
Perhaps you were never meant to be mine,
and perhaps your name was never written in my fate.
But I have written it across my heart
with the permanent ink of a pure devotion.
Even if my heart breaks beneath the weight of loving you,
you will remain untouched, beautiful, and whole.
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141,626 Literary Works • 675,274 Reviews
Hey! I am fond of the imagery used in this poem to describe the idea of love as something that is always trying to reach something bigger than itself. The title already has a casual, conversational tone to it, and the poem grows more fervent with every line
I like the use of common nature imagery like the moon and the clouds, and the way the clouds are described as "silly" adds an intimate touch to the comparison. Similarly, the second part with the shore and the waves was a good choice, as it follows the previous analogy while not being too similar
The imagery in the part about the rose is my favorite, as it adds a new, grounded level of materiality to the poem while still being part of the overarching theme of distance between the loved ones
As the poem goes on, it recalls the old motifs of the first two stanzas, but adds a new twist: the idea of possible distance between the lovers in the future
By introducing the metaphor of permanent ink, the author actually manages to tie the motif of the pressed rose with the newly introduced idea of lasting love
I would say that the only improvement that could be made to the poem would be cutting back on the repetition of the motif of something being permanent or the heart and focus more on the vivid imagery the poem already possesses, so as to let it shine brighter. Overall, this is a touching poem about distant and longing love, which manages to capture this feeling through the depiction of several common motifs. What makes the poem memorable is the way these everyday images are intertwined with the abstract and constant feeling of devotion which can hold even when the connection between two people is severed.
Lovely work! <3
~hira♡
Hi there! Welcome to the site. I am excited to review your poem
I feel this is most obvious in these lines:
I can tell there is a lot of romantic feeling in this poem. Based on certain lines, though, it's also evident to me that the romantic feeling is maybe unrequited? I'm getting whiffs of yearning, wanting, but not able to have this person that is so desired. A common theme for sure, but also a common theme in the human experience.
The first half of the poem, where we really get a sense of the extent of the love this person has for the other, does a good job of using strong imagery to express this. I especially like how you started (the first three lines), and I love the image that comes to mind when I think of wispy clouds trying to touch the moon (the object of desire, in this case). Well done!
About halfway through, we have this switch, a twist, where all of a sudden we understand that the love is not returned. Sad
I do feel like from this moment (from the above lines onward), this is perhaps the weaker part of the poem because it lacks the imagery from before. I am wondering if perhaps you could incorporate more visual aspects to express this feeling of not being able to have the person you loved, as opposed to just stating it outright. I like the lines "but I have it written across my heart / with the permanent ink of a pure devotion", so I'm wondering maybe if you could focus more on this image of writing/ink (which also ties in well with your literal medium of poetry)? Just a suggestion, of course.
Overall, I call tell you have put thought and effort into this piece. It's well-formed and a solid poem. Maybe the last half feels a bit on-the-nose, kind of in-your-face, almost to the point of obsession (which I doubt you're aiming for)? But I think with a few revisions regarding how you visualize this unrequited love, the atmosphere and voice could become a little softer. Really well done, and I look forward to reading more from you.
Keep writing,
Lavvie