If I create a world for you,
will you dare to walk into it?
If I become a tree that gives shade only to you,
will you dare to sit beneath me?
If I can give everything you ask for,
will you dare to come to me and ask for it?
If I become the light that only shows you the path,
will you dare to walk with it?
If I become a star that only glows brighter for you in the sky,
will you dare to look at me?
If I start walking to you,
will you dare to wait for me?
If I stop breathing at the end,
will you dare to touch me? at least at the very end?
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141,626 Literary Works • 675,274 Reviews
Hey moon1! (I am reviewing a lot today)
\This is my fav one I have read of your so far. I love the way you take things that could never happen, and make it sound so possible. If that makes sense?
This confused me. It doesn't make much sense. (If I dare to say so)
This is my favorite line. This for me highlights everyone's impatience. Someone could be giving you the world, and we wouldn't wait for it.
Overall, I rate this poem a 9/10
Why?
1. It reminded me of God. I don't know why, but it felt very much like it was about Jesus giving us things and us not "daring" to take them.
2. The only reason this is not 10/10 is because of the last verse. I don't think it was a great way to end this beautiful poem. (In my opinion)
I would love to know what this is about, and I am so very astonished by your talent and creativity!
Thank you!even after publish am thinking to change the last line..
Great minds think alike
I really loved the symbolism in this. The progression from becoming a world, a tree, light, a star, and eventually offering up his literal life is genuinely daunting.
What really got me was that even after the narrator is willing to give up practically everything, he still isn't sure he'll be loved. It feels like he has only ever learned to seek love and acceptance through giving, sacrificing, protecting, and becoming whatever the other person needs. He never asks, “Will you love me for who I am?”—only, “What else can I give you?” And that makes the last line hit MUCH harder.
I think you could experiment a little more with the wording and rhythm.I also think the transition into the final line could be slightly smoother, because that's the emotional climax and deserves to hit as hard as possible.
But overall, I really liked this. It's simple on the surface, but there's actually a pretty daunting idea underneath it, and I think that's what makes it work.
Thank you. Check my other peoms too if you like to